My Nightmare

When I was younger I used to spend some weekends at my uncles house to give my parents a break.  My uncle had some health issues and was on an oxygen tank to help him breath.  So as I got older I started spending more time there because I could help him do all of the things he couldn't do.  I got to be in 5th grade and he started molesting me. I was old enough to understand that it wasn't right and it made me feel uncomfortable and scared.  I started hating going over to his house.  He played into that though by making me feel guilty for not helping him do the things he couldn't do.  Sometimes I would be over at his house for a week at a time and I would fall asleep crying.  He never raped me or attempted to...it was always just touching and looking at me.  It was a real problem for me.  I didn't know what to do or who to tell because he was family you know?  They wouldn't believe me or would they blame me?  I was scared all of the time.  It affected every part of me.  Then in 7th grade I just decided to never agree to go over to his house.  It was fine, my parents thought nothing of it.  My uncle would ask me and I would tell him I had things to do. 
    When I was a freshman in high school a friend of mine confided in me that she was bulimic.  She told me she was throwing up blood and that she couldn't stop.  I confided in her my story and told her that life isn't really as bad as she thought and that there were others going through just as much hurt as she was even though it might not have seemed as such.  She went directly to the school councelor and my secret was out.  My mom came to pick me up from school that day and I was crying, scared she wouldn't believe me.  The first thing she said to me was, "Why didn't you tell me first?  We could have taken care of it without anyone else involved."  She didn't cry with me, or apologize for her brothers actions, or comfort me with a kiss.  In fact, that was the first and last conversation we had about it.  She figured that if I didn't talk about it then it didn't happen.  She stopped eating, she would spend nights in her room crying and she was just depressed.  So when my dad asked me if I wanted to press charges against my uncle of course I said no.  It was killing my family and if all I had to do was cry myself to sleep every night then why not take the brunt of it?
    I am 21 years old now.  It still affects me every day of my life.  I learned through my aunt about three years after my story came out that I was not the only one that this had happened to.  Until I had heard this I had been fine with the idea of letting him go on a warning.  I figured he would be scared enough to never do it again.  My aunt said that when she was a little girl, as young as she can remember, he would molest her as well.  His sister!!!  Sick, I know.  As sick as he is though...this made me even sicker -  My aunt informed me that when I first started spending time at my uncle's house my aunt went to my mother and informed her of what had happened to her as a little girl.  She told my mother that she thought the same was happening to me and insisted that my mom make sure I didn't spend anymore time with him.  My mom obviously didn't agree with my aunt or I wouldn't have gone through a lot of the pain I endured.  Deep down...I hate my mom.  I can never forgive her for what she's done...or didn't do.  In my eyes she is worse than my uncle.  She saw my pain and left me to fend for myself.  And even when she knew it had happened she wasn't there to pick me up again. 
    I am one of those people who forgives easily.  I have not forgiven my mother yet, nor do I think I ever truly will.  I have put up a front and I am kind and gentle to her.  I make it seem as though I don't know anything about what my aunt has told me.  But if I ever cut loose on my viewpoints on her as a mother...I wouldn't be able to control myself.  I can't change anything she did though.  I can't change anything my uncle did.  All I can say though is that I've learned from it.  I will never allow my children to go through when I went through.  They will know love and they will know my shoulder is there to cry on.
     I have not worked up enough guts to sue my uncle yet.  I have checked into it though and I believe I have a few years to sue him since I was a minor.  If anyone knows the really law on that for Wisconsin let me know.  The reason I have not sued him yet is because my grandmother would never be able to handle it.  He is her favorite child and she would die if anything like this came out.  Until she dies, I will probably keep quiet.  I wish I didn't have to though.
yoto yoto
18-21, F
2 Responses May 23, 2007

I think you are a very rational and thoughtful person.

u r an amazin person n i really respect u for all the thoughts u have abt ur family all the time..i m sure life will be kinder 2 u n u will get over this..god bless..