How Can You Block Out Something So Horrible Cause I Don't Know..

Alright well I'd first like to say that the man who molested me, my unbiological father, had passed away in 2010 so as much as I want justice it's never going to happen because I never told anyone and I want to speak out to all of you out there that unlike me you can bring justice and peace to yourself instead of living with it like me.  

So, the horror began after both my parents died in a work accident when I was 8 and my relatives weren't legally family and they didn't even want me anyways so I was thrown into a foster home until I got adopted, I didn't really get a choice, the confrontation was awkward because I'm a blonde and they were african americans.  Everything was okay until a few months later my mom had to go to a funeral across state and I was home alone with my adopted dad but I loved my adopted mother to death, my mom never and still doesn't know about the things he had done to me. It all began that night after mom left, he took me down to our basement bathroom with no windows and blindfolded me like we were playing a game then told me to open my mouth wide like ahhh, then he shoved it in my mouth. I had no idea what was going on, only that I didn't like it, afterwards everything was back to normal again just the way I want things to be.

The very next day he wanted us to take a bath which we've never done before, I began to miss my mom, I didn't know what was going to happen but I knew it was going to be a "non-normal" time. That day was the day he exposed me to the male part, he got in the bathtube facing me then sickingly ask me if I knew what it was then made me give him oral again. When I was around 13 or 14 I started cutting myself and was a goth at school, even worse I was bullied by other girls because a lot of boys liked me but I would just run near a teacher so they would stop.  At that time giving him oral was an everyday thing, but still sometimes I would cry, my grades were very poor like 40% out of 100% even though I'm pretty smart and near the end of middle school I was going to be held back unless I make up all 3 of the basic classes within 4 months. I was young, stupid, depressed, suicidal and for my mom whom I've grown to love as much as my biological mother who wanted me to succeed I used the only thing I was praised for, my body, I made a deal with my after school teacher if he'd "help" me pass my classes I would give him oral. He laughed a little then walked over to the doors and locked them, at the time I didn't care I just wanted to pass and make my mom proud, it was quick and towards the end of the school year I passed.

During my sophomore year of high school I realized getting into college meant getting away from my him, so my grade went shooting up to around 3.8 gpa, I became a new person dressed in actual colors and dresses instead of wearing black all the time, everybody had told me I've changed a lot and I always blush whenever a guy says it. Everything was great, friends, grades, high school and I started dating also but at home as I grew older he began threatening me not to tell anyone, I kept telling myself I am going to tell just not today, but I never did. In the summer before my junior year, my mom went on vacation with her friends and sisters on a cruise ship and I was left alone with him once more. Usually he'd come to my room and I'd just get it over with, but no, this time he made bend over and penetrated me, he was very grown so I bled a lot and the pain was indescribable, he told me that he'd get me before my boyfriend did, I didn't care I just wanted it to be over. The more he molested/raped me he became more abusive but never hitting hard because I bruise easily. He kept finding sick ways to satisfy himself, I was on the webcam on my computer talking with my unbiological 5 and 6 year old nieces and he came in and said hi then lifted my dress and began penetrating me right in front of them whispering to me to keep talkng to them.
On the way home from my graduation party at around 12 am he took me to the park and told me to get in the back of our truck, he thought he would rape me for one last time but no, I didn't refused or tell him "not now" I took him with a smile on my face and even faked ****** cause I know he's never touching me again after I leave in the morning.

After so many dark slow years of being molested/raped I finally escaped him and started college earlier than my class, now I realized why I never told, I never told because I didn't want my mom to get hurt, I didn't want her to know her high school sweet heart was a sick hearted monster. But PLEASE don't do the things I did, I was young and I regret it all, it is better to tell someone like a family member or your SCHOOL COUNSELOR!

MakingItReal94 MakingItReal94
18-21, F
6 Responses May 12, 2012

I know a girl in a group home...I think same thing happened 2 her... I'm sorry u had to go threw that but YAY YOUR IN COLLEGE! Not many ppl can say that + u had a huge obsticle 2 face so GOOD 4 U!!! (-:

Thank you for sharing. I didn't tell because I was afraid of hurting my mom too.

Thanks You Guys, it was just kinda hard to come back to what I have written above yikes but I'm feeling better about it. Thanks for reminding me I'm not alone, it sounds horrible but yes it does feel better to know.

my story pales in comparison to yours. you must be a very strong person to endure this. i wish i could get past the guilt and shame from my own experiences, and i wish i could tell someone. but i feel like it would just stir too many emotions and just make everyone around me collapse. i would rather suffer from my own pain than pass it around to others. but your story has inspired me to talk to someone, maybe a counselor at the college i'm attending. thanks for sharing your story. i really hope things get better for you.

what a horrendous story. i was 10 when a teacher touched me. i'm a boy and when we has class pe we had a supply teacher as well as our regular teacher. i was in the supply teachers team and he took a shine to me. after games as normal our regular teacher shouted everyone to the showers. the supply teacher carried on bouncing the ball as everyone walked towards the changing rooms. unknown to me the gap between us and the class got bigger. when everyone was out of sight he lifted me up over his shoulder and pulled my shorts off and grapped my buttocks in a rough manner. i froze . he then put my penis in his mouth. it may have been for a couple of seconds but it seemed like an hour. he then grapped my hand and forced it into his shorts on to his penis. i didnt know it at the time but he *** on my hand. he wiped it off with a towel and but my shorts back on but kept my pants and told me to get my shower.<br />
i was sweating so much it looked like i had a shower and just got dressed. and went.<br />
i know what your saying to tell someone. but no way was i telling anyone what had happened to me or being accused of lieing. and if this got out i would have to leave the area.<br />
the good thing was he was only a supply teacher and i never saw him again

I'm so sorry that had to happen to you. I was molested from the age of 7 to 13 by my stepfather. :/ it sucks.