Talked About It, Now I Feel Worse

My home was a broken one since I was 6. My dad never cared about us, when he kicked us out (my mom, my sister and me) to be with his new mistress, he kept everything, including our toys. I was 6, and now that I'm 23 I realized that I never lived in a home of love, with parents that stood up for you, that defended you. My mom loves me, I know that, but she was always at work since my dad didn't even give us money to pay rent or food, and the problem is that all the times I was molested, no body stoop up for me and that hurts so bad. Now I can see that it changed me as a person, I honestly hate men, from my dad and his indiference, to the people that molested me as a child.
My mom was forced to go back to my grandma's house where she lived with his boyfriend when I was around 7. It happened while I was sleeping, i woke up and he was touching me. I was in shock and didn't scream or anything, he left when noticed I was awake. When I told mom, she didn't confront him directly, I dont even think she told my dad, she told my grandma and she said it was cuz he wasn't wearing his glasses and didn't see what he was doing.
We had to stay there because we didn't have anywhere else to go. My mom worked real hard and was able to build a tiny apartment next to grandma's, but I don't remember if it ever happened again.
Until I was around 10, when my cousin touched me. And then around 13, when my mom's ex-lover touched me.
I've been thinking about all this for days, since I told my partner this is one of the reasons I don't ever want to have kids: I don't want to face the possibility or responsability of anything like this happenning to my kids, I couldn't bear it.
Ever since age 11 I've been considered and treated as a ****. Always easy. Had my first time when I was 13 with a man of 21, with my mom's consent. This days I realized, or simply wanted to blame, my "experiences" took so much of the value I perceived of myself, the 2nd and 3rd times it happened it wasn't even a big deal anymore. I waited years before telling mom about his ex-boyfriend so she wouldnt' get upset, it wasn't a big deal anymore. Then it wasn't a big deal to let boys touch me in school and highschool, nor to have my first time (it was simply something I wanted to get over with), then to have sex with random people, until one day, after I woke up really hung over, I was told (but still can't remember) that I had sex with over 4 guys on the same night, one after the other.
When I told my partner about the times I was molested, I didn't get the reaction I had hoped for years, I saw anger, and lots of pity. I hate pity. I wish I could simply talk to someone that can feel my pain, someone that can tell me why nobody stood up for me, why I wasn't in a loving and caring home like every child is supposed to, why did it take me so long to break down like this? Even my teachers were always trying to get a piece when I was in highschool. Is there a way to get past the hate? and pain? I try to be tough, to tell myself it doesn't matter anymore. It worked for years, but all of a sudden I feel so vulnerable, lonely and sad again, I think I pity myself
Lonely103 Lonely103
22-25, F
1 Response Sep 21, 2012

Dear Lonely,

After reading your story. I must say I was moved. You write very well. Just to face those dark shadows in your past must have taken enormous courage.

I find it perfectly understandable and reasonable for you to have the emotions and questions and needs that you do. But I do not pity you. I am actually exited for you.

Woooaaaa. What! you must be asking yourself. Hang on, let me explain myself quickly.

Firstly let me say that, regardless of if you know it or not, you are in the process of dealing with these issues, and finding your true place in the world. This is obvious by your approach to this.

You have shown here that you are now ready and willing to tell yourself and others what happened to you. You are also inviting support, by responding to comments.

So why am I exited for you?

Because when you do overcome these scars, you will have everything going for you.

You will have survived a level of suffering that not many people will understand. This has made you ten times stronger than most people. You respect and are determined to be good at being a parent. You understand the importance of creating a life and will be the best candidate to have a loving close caring family of your own.

After the type of betrayal you have endured, you will not be so damagingly affected by the small things in life. If someone rejects your idea or work or whatever, it will be much easier for you to just shrug it off and move on.

But most of all, the reason I am exited for you, is that from your story, it is clear to me that when you do eventually find yourself, you will find an amazing person. You will find someone, that is far beyond any value that her physical body could account for. How could I know that? Because you were not damaged by people valuing your physical body to the extent that you define yourself by your body.

Believe it or not, but many poor girls in your position, as a way of coping, actually become sort of proud of their physical value, and see physical affection as a means of personal self value.

To you it was clearly abuse and clearly you feel anger and the need to blame others. This is good. The most difficult thing to overcome is the sense that somehow it was your fault. You don't have to do that. You know it wasn't your fault.

Clearly you know that you are much more of a person than the body that other people judge you by. I wish you the best of luck in finding her.

No body stood up for you, because you were not valued enough by them. And because the world is not set-up to protect the innocent. the deck was stacked against you.

Just remember that that has made you stronger in ways other people can never know.

You are angry for one (good ) reason alone. You value yourself more than others do. This is half the battle won. So long as you believe you were worth standing up for, you are subtly saying that you believe you were of value.

This in a strange way is you telling yourself to become all that you can be. You are, sure through anger and pain, pushing yourself to see just how much of a person you really are, and that shows that you believe that you may even be more special than you know yourself.

Most mother's don't realise the intrinsic value to the child, when the child learns to self-sooth. Instead they will run to them whenever they cry. This is not good for the child.
You have learned to self sooth in a major way. And have been the only person who has seen the true value you are. While everyone around you didn't value you more than a body, or a burden, you self-soothed yourself all these years.

That doesn't mean you are not alone. Alone in a crowd.

My best advice to you, and I am willing to hear any other details you have, is not going to sound logical but give it some thought and maybe try it on a small scale first.

1) Forgive.
The best thing you can do is gain power back. Trust me, there is no force more powerful than forgiveness. Go to those that wronged you, and without threat or accusation or agenda, tell them what their actions did to you, tell them that you understand why they did it, and that you forgive them for it, and that you are sorry that they were not strong enough to realise what they were doing, but that you are strong enough for the both of them.
Confront your demons head on, and they will become goats. You will see how much better off you are, how weak they are and how pathetic their actions were.
Confront everyone you can. Those that did something to you, and those that did nothing about it. Visit graves if you have to.

2) Trust.
When you had no choice as a child but to trust, that trust was broken. But that is the only thing in life that you need to get back. A lack of trust of other human beings is the most isolating and hurtful thing possible.

Now that you have a choice of whether to trust or not. Always trust. (don't be Nieve or a fool.) Trust that there are men who know how to love.

Trust that there is love.

Trust is not needed when all the evidence is pointing in the same direction, but only when it is not. Trust the person who says they were working late. Trust the person who says they will never do it again. Trust that a relationship where you check your partner's phone is a relationship that you don't need work on. Trust even when your gut tells you not to.

This is the life you will now have. Your life can now wall off all the betrayal to be in your past only. you have had your life's share of betrayal and you have got it all already out of your way. If a person gets betrayed 100 times in a life, you have already had all yours and need no longer worry about that again.

Sure you may get dissapointed here and there, but it will be nothing in comparison to what has already dissapointed you. And in a world full of non-believers, you will live in a world of trust, honesty and truth. while others live in a world of possible betrayal, doubt and dishonesty.

3)become accustomed to superiority. Remember that its absolutely OK for you to believe that you are worth love. that you are worth greatness, that you are worth people fighting over, that you are worth desire. But that if others desire you, that is your power, and their weakness. That it is ok for you to find love and to love yourself.

4) always remember.
Proudly remember the bad things that happened to you. stand tall and boast to yourself and others about your sufferings and wrong doings, because you survived them. Just as a war hero proudly shows his battle scars, you too should proudly be aware of your life scars.

If you have read this far. well done. sorry for the very long, letter for the very long response.

But you are worth writing this for.

love Stephen

Thank you. It was hard for me not to cry while reading this since I'm at work (probably a bad idea in the first place). In my family we have never really talked about any of this, and the times I tried to look for help/counceling were very unprofesional so this is the first time that someone gives me this kind of reassurance and it means SO much to me I don't really know what to say. Thank you for taking the time to write all those thoughts, I read them all and I will really try to follow your advise. Believing has been so hard, but I really want to believe. I know there's love, I'm lucky I experienced it once many years ago, and I want to believe it will come one more time. I will try and visit the graves, I don't think I'm ready yet to talk to the people still living.
You've giving me a lot to think about, a lot of reassurance, and I'm truly grateful.