I Grew Up Believing Shyness Was A Sin

but I couldn't help it I used ask god to forgive me, but I would get so nervous reading in class, or giving talks and going places at times, like to swimming and sports days, plays and church.

I used to hate certain teachers and classes due to how they taught the subject and this followed on to university. about five years ago I was attending law faculty that would call out your name and you'd have to answer the question if you didn't know it you got marked down, but if you knew another answer to another question that wasn't yours too bad. I thought this was bad education, it was too nazi and regimented, education should be more easy flowing.

I'd get so nervous and I was shy in drama classes but I made myself do it cuz I had wanted to be more open and popular, one guy who was a great acting student who'd worked on plays was just so nice to me, even though I am sure they did noticed i suffered from a panic disorder.

I wouldn't talk much to guys I liked cuz I just felt so inadequate and nervous and the fear of making a complete fool of myself was more strong than never getting to know them.  I dodged parties I was invitied to cuz I never felt equal to any of my frineds.  my family would go to political functions and I would always feel so nervous. 

I'd be so nervous to see my in-laws cuz they were always better and richer than us and knew big names, I felt so less then them like I was the looser and ugly black sheep of the family.  I put most of the personality disorder down to the trauma of the house fire when I was 4yearsold and putting up with an alcoholic abusive grandmother and great uncle, being sexually abused as a child by serveral relatives, ther was something wrong or different about me compared to other kids around me that  seemed to cope better. I missed a lot of school, cuz i wanted to run and hide  and no one noticed that something was wrong. on one seemed to care, when i tried to talk about it I was told it was in my mind.  I was sexually abused by my great uncle nearly every day, from the age of 4 or 5 til I was was about 15...I think 10 or so years  of sexual taunting, and overpowering can erode a young girls self esteme and confidence.I was labelled not only shy, strange but fridgid, dumb and all the time I was in deep pain no-one knew about.

each time I  was sexually assaulted by bill ron, alex, russell, or ken ..etc my confidnece would go down

when I did find a support group for survivors of child sexual abuse I started to heal more and become aware that what happened to me was not my crime, I was only a little girl, who was being told this was our special game, and i didn't understand the implications the way an adult can.  I spent years of self blame and hate that was just as eroding as the abuse.  the church added to this with labels about shyness a sin to god. 

when i did have the courage to tell this american guy I liked him and somethings about the abuse- he hurt me calling me a lesbian because I was a virgin still at 26years of age, that's over 10 years ago now.  and it's hard to trust.  I am shy around men, agressive men frighten me but so do good looking men, I have seem heaps of hot guys, wished and craved that they would look at me, and be the one to break the ice, cuz I was so shy.  and I'd fantasize about them being my mr perfect ... or I'd dream of sexual violence, cuz I had heaps of anger in me.

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1 Response Feb 7, 2010

It's sad and shocking at how many people could not pick up on the abuse you endured. <br />
I never heard it to be a sin to GOD to be shy. <br />
What kind of crazy theology is that?<br />
I hope that if you haven't worked through your shyness of dating that you do and in doing so find yourself a wonderful man.<br />
<br />
Getting over shyness is possible. <br />
<br />
Now is your time not to let the past hold you back to the future you deserve.