This is going to be long. I have had thoughts of not posting this because I didn't want anyone to judge me. For those that do not know, I have been through a lot and I really hope this story helps someone out there, hopefully they won't feel alone.

Jeremy and I started dating in February of 2011. He and I had met off of a dating site called " OKCupid ". After we had met each other, we found absolutely no use for this site, deleted our accounts and we basically knew we where " in love". In the middle of our relationship, Jeremy would act very strange, distant..he would go to work and come home late, saying that he was " working " and that his boss " Made him stay late ". Our sexual relationship was never good, he was basically a jerk in bed, finishing off before I would and calling it a night. I grew more distant from him too. I wouldn't make love to him after awhile and he didn't like that. He would come home, drunk on the weekends after hanging out with his friends and force me to have s3x with him. I didn't like it at all, I felt victimized and insecure about what he was doing. Confronting this to him, each day after he would, he shut me out and said he " didn't remember doing it" and that I must be a liar because if he did do it, he would remember.

I remember the first time Jeremy hit me. He was again, drunk. He started swearing at me, saying nonsense sentences like " This is your fault!" or " I did it because I wanted to stay with you!" but I didn't understand. When I finally yelled at him, begging to tell me, he hit me and well, I ran off, crying to our room and I locked the door. I couldn't believe he would do something like that, go that far...he ended up apologizing the next day for it, saying that he never meant to hit me and explained how his father was a angry drunk, stupidly, I let it go.

It wasn't until almost a year after we started dating, that Jeremy decided to come clean about how he was cheating on me. I was taken back, feeling hostile and I was extremely upset with him - obviously. I had gotten us tickets to a dance, as a celebration for him not drinking another drink around me. I felt stupid, I felt hurt and I wanted him out. I wanted him out of my life for good. After we split up, I had moved into a place with three of my friends that I knew from my university and they where all very supportive of this, especially my best friend Kristin who never seemed to let it get to her when I was at my lowest. I told her everything. I told her how I felt, what he did to me and so on. She would spend nights in my room, sleeping on my bed to make sure that I was 100% safe and okay.

In late August of 2012, my dog, that I had living with me, was suddenly killed by a driver. It was a total accident and they felt really bad but that's when I began to crack. I never really cried over much before, I never really felt the need to cry unless it was something bad. When I was eliminated from a competition, I didn't even really cry then. I never even really cried much over my break up with Jeremy but my dog, I cried constantly. It broke my heart and I felt guilty that I couldn't be there for him when he took his last breath. I couldn't even see him before they sent him off to be cremated. All I had left where his toys and his collar, which I had a very strange hold to. I wouldn't let them go, even though my friends urged me to. I just couldn't.

Early September 2012 was the day I found out who exactly was cheating with and was now secretly dating Jeremy. That's right, Kristin. I found out because Kristin sent the wrong text the the wrong person, while she was texting me at the same time. It said " Jeremy, sweetheart. I really want to just grab ahold of your giant **** and **** it all day long. I know that's what gets you off.." and then proceeded to send him a conversation of mine to that was meaning to be sent to him but was sent to me instead. It was like he got off it or something. Had a few good chuckles about how he thought it was funny. I was disgusted and I immediately phoned Kristin and asked her to explain. She hung up on me twice. I had had it. I ran out of my bedroom crying. My friend jumped up, I barely noticed her and I ran out the door, running towards Jeremy's place. What happened when I got in there? I burst through the door and caught them in the act. I was so livid and so distraught that I just couldn't even begin to comprehend what was happening.

Kristin had moved out and started living with Jeremy. Whatever, no one cared. They where both dead to me in my book. What I didn't know was that Jeremy, two months later, broke up with Kristin. I had gotten so many texts from her saying " You dirty *****" and " You're a f*cking home wrecker you, dirty little ****" and again, I was blown back. I didn't know what she even was talking about. I didn't understand what this was coming from. The next day, I went to university, came out after class and saw Jeremy standing there. I didn't want to talk to him, I didn't want him in my life so I tried to pass and ignore his pleas. He finally grabbed my arm and stopped me, saying that he was "Sorry". Yeah, like I was going to believe that. To my surprise, he had asked me out again. I told him no and that was the end of that. The next day, same thing. After school, he was there and asked me out again. I told him, to **** off and leave me alone. I walked away.

He didn't show up the next day, or the day after was like he finally got the message, which made me happy. Then the worst. I had started to see him almost everywhere I went. He would be almost a room away from me or a little closer, nothing to completely give him away. I started to freak out when I realized that he just wasn't at some places, he was everywhere, where I was. He has an app that let him track his friends on GPS through their phone, so long as he still had their number. Creepy, right? I think so. The first time Jeremy approached me after that, was after a casual swim I had with my friend, we where waiting for my sister's bf to come and pick us up. I saw him out side in the parking lot and I asked her if we could stand inside. Of course, she said yes but Jeremy said no. He rushed in after me, grabbed me and pulled me out into the parking lot. He started to yell at me, asking me why I hadn't been picking up any of his calls. Asking me why I wasn't taking him back. He had such a rage that I was too intimidated to really answer. Thankfully, others around us had warded him off and he walked away without saying a word. I broke down and went home where I felt a lot safer...for now. :(

A few weeks after that little spazz, I had been sitting at home, doing my homework for school and I heard a crashing through the door. I ran out and saw him standing there with more rage than he had the last time. He looked at me, I stood there still, brain froze and not really knowing what to do. He grabbed my by the shirt, threw me into the living room and started slapping me, asking me the same questions he did the other night. My sister and her boyfriend, who I was now living with had ran down stairs and got him off of me. My sister pushed me into my bedroom, locked the door and made sure I was okay. I couldn't stop crying as she phoned the cops. This isn't something I ever wanted to happen. It certainly wasn't something I wanted others to go through either.

Phone call after phone call. Message after message. I eventually had to turn off my cellphone because it was just ringing off the hook. I didn't want to deal with it. I didn't want to deal with him and after awhile, I just started to numb myself out. I no longer cared for myself. If I let myself care for myself I would be sick with paranoia and anxiety. I didn't want to deal with that. A few nights later, same thing. This time, he didn't get very far. The cops where called, he was sent to jail and his mom bailed him out. Before I continue, Please, don't blame his mom. She is a very nice woman and had absolutely no idea what happened. He had lied to her that he stole some things and since he was an adult, according to the police, they don't have to say anything about what he did. It was up to him and he lied to his own mother.

Mid November 2012 is when Jeremy decided that he was going to try and take my life away from me. At the time, I didn't know. I didn't believe that he would go that far and sadly, he wasn't drunk. There was no excuse. It was just him and his own, psychotic, twisted little mind that took him as far as he did. I was in my bedroom, again, but this time, on the computer, chatting to one of my good friends across the US. I had heard the same thing, a large crash and a screaming from my sister. My stomach sank. I started shaking and I knew that there was something going on. I had rushed out and saw Jeremy beating on my sister. I yelled at him and he turned around to me. He looked back at her and looked at me, saying " You must be pretty pathetic to use your own sister as a decoy" ..which is not what I was doing. My sister looked at me, told me to get into my room but I couldn't let her stay out there and be abused by something that was my problem. Jeremy grabbed me, threw me into the living room again. I fell down and hit my head on the table. Laying on my back, him over me, I knew what was going to happen when he raised his fist at me.

Even though I prepared for it, it still shocked me. It still hurt and it hurt very bad. Each time, no matter how much I was prepared for it to happen, it felt just as worse as the first. He punched me in my face, in my chest, my arms, my legs, bit had a fear that he was going to rape me by the way he positioned himself over me. I couldn't do anything, I tried to push him back but he was just too strong. After a minute or two, my entire face started to numb out. By that time, I couldn't feel anything in my body and I didn't care. I literally just didn't care. I was preparing myself to die, I knew that that fate was coming. That was all that was going through my head - death. Luckily, I didn't I do remember going into my room right away, with my sister and not being able to feel my jaw..however, when I tried to move it, I felt an intense sharp pain with just the little movement. I looked at my hands. My shirt..covered in blood. I look at myself..couldn't recognize who it was in the mirror. My sister, frantically crying on the all started to blur together. I couldn't focus, I couldn't move..I just felt paralyzed. My sister, after her call, told me to stay put and she went out to face Jeremy. I then realized that her boyfriend was being hurt badly and I could hear them both screaming.

I did something very bad in that moment...two bad things, to be exact but again, I couldn't stand by and let them be beaten for something that was MINE to deal with. That was done out of my own stupidity, for meeting a boy online. For dating a guy who was abusive since the beginning and let it go because I was told that it wasn't really him by him and I believed it. This was MY dumb decision and I needed to be the one that had to stop it or deal with it on my own. I gathered myself, grabbed a pair of scissors from my desk and went out. He was beating on my sister's boyfriend when he saw me. He dropped him and started walking towards me. I heard my sister screaming at the top of her lungs but I couldn't really listen to her at the moment. This was something that I put them through and it needed to stop. Jeremy charged at me and as he got closer, I stabbed him. It didn't appear to hurt him much, as he took me by my neck and hit me once, then twice....then, I was then, knocked out.

I had woken up in the hospital with 15 or more nurses and doctors running around me. All I really heard was " Jessie" this and " Jessie" that..nothing really registered in my mind. I couldn't move, they asked me not to. I had been strapped in tight with a neck brace. I thought of my sister and her boyfriend, asking the people around me where they where. To me, I sounded just fine. Little did I know, to them, they couldn't understand me. I gathered that they where either severely injured or had died. I started screaming their names, nothing came, I just got sad looks from everyone around me. I began to cry, still screaming their names, in hopes one of them -...just one..I didn't care who - would show up. No one came. No one told me what had happened, they just sent me to the trauma room. By then, I had fully understood that both of them had died. I thought this very same thought over the last few days. I didn't sleep, I didn't eat and I didn't talk. I didn't want to. All I could think about is how two innocent people died because of me. How two innocent, loving people, who had their entire lives ahead of them, who worked extra hard just to put a meal on the table, who fought for anything they stood for, who where both so damn in love, died because they had to protect me, a person that brought a psychotic sick **** into their lives and yet, I was the one living.

I didn't want to live. I knew that I had completely gained survivors guilt but I didn't care. I knew I didn't deserve to live. I should've been the one to die, not them. Over the next few days, I was basically along. A therapist had eventually came in and tried to talk to me, but I wouldn't answer back. He told the nurses and my doctor working there that I was still in a traumatic state and it wasn't going to end well. About an hour after that, I was told a nurse that I had a visitor. I thought, " Oh great. Someone else to blame me for all this.." but to my surprise, it was my sister's boyfriend. He had a long hospital gown on and stitches over his eyebrow. I freaked a bit, asking who he was. He looked at me, saying " you know who I am..." I didn't know what to say. I didn't know if he was real or fake. He sat down on the chair next to my bed, explaining that him and my sister where in different rooms and that she was just sleeping. They apparently weren't allowed to go any where or to see me until all of their tests had come back. I was completely struck up with both sadness and happiness at the same time and just cried. Nurses came in and where making sure that I was okay and that nothing bad was happening. I looked at my sister's bf and said, " I thought you two where dead."

His face turned white. The nurses around me stalled. Soon, everyone had began to cry, realizing that they made a HUGE mistake in my diagnosis. Later, my parents came, my sister came..even my friends and relatives came. The support was unbelievable. The anonymous flowers and gifts that where sent to me, where a little more that I could ever ask for.

Jeremy confessed and plead guilty to attempted murder, stalking and verbal harassment. He was sentenced to prison for the next 22 years with no bail.

HappyZappyZaperson HappyZappyZaperson
26-30, T
6 Responses Jan 17, 2013

Gun learn how to use it self defense class learn how to not let the enemy ****** your weapon from you :(

No words are adequate for someone who has been through something like this. Just ....yeah, glad your with someone worthy of your love. *hugs & brofists*

You are an amazing, strong & beautiful soul!! No one deserves to be treated like the way you were. I admire you so much for being able to share this. & I'm glad I'm your friend. If you ever need some one to talk to I'm here for you. & please don't blame your self its not your fault its jeremys. Xoxo <3 :)

*hugs* you're just as amazing :)

Wow. That takes strength to get through something like that.

:) thanks

I am so sorry to hear of this happening to you.

Thanks for sharing. Hopefully this will help others who are in abusive relationships. These relationships are never the fault of the victim. Yes, maybe you should have called the police earlier, but one never knows when such interventions would have turned out differently.

I sure didn't. As Emoenjr, before you..he has brought a new light into my eyes. He basically let me know that I was the one who tried to take Jeremy out of my own life and Jeremy was the one who decided to step back in and I tried to keep him away from me. He wouldn't have that, he did what he did. The last night that he charged into my house, as I said, i did stab him and Emoenjr said to me that that is what stopped Jeremy that night from killing everyone. He made it clear that he was going to kill us all and I'm the one who stopped him. It's like falling in love with a facade that turned into a near indestructible beast and everyone knows that the only way to kill one of them is to cut the head off. I stopped him that night and I saved not only myself but my sister and her bf. if I didn't do that, we probably would've died. I have come to terms that it was not my fault at all and no one blames me for it. I'm glad. Im going to talk to everyone tomorrow about this and I hope that this makes everyone feel at peace.

Thank you so much for your comment. It means a lot that you took the time to read it all. Thank you.

ZZ (I don't want to use your real name in case you didn't want me to),
None of this is your fault!! You need to stop blaming yourself for this. You were a naive and good person that were deceived by pure EVIL. I am sure that nobody blames you for all of this, it was all that psycho, and you have already been victimized by him, don't let it continue with guilt. You are a lovable person who just trusted the wrong person, but that does not make you at fault. There are good people out in the world and hopefully some day you'll trust again and the right person will be standing there in front of you to prove that you are worth everything in the world. You have been through a lot and it took a lot of guts to relive it here in writing so that others can benefit, you truly are a remarkable person and I wish you and everyone you care about the best in life, because you have already paid the worst price for it.