i had been in a deep depression for several years. in the end, i didn't get out of bed. i had no appetite, but i ate oranges and drank chocolate milk. it's all i wanted. one evening, just prior to the time to go to sleep, i drank a large glass of chocolate milk. then i went to bed for the night. that's all i remember for a long time. what i tell you next, i know from people who were there. my husband (Gary) awakened the next morning, and found me barely alive. i was blue, cold, unresponsive to any stimulation, including deep pain. my eyes didn't blink or respond to touch. i was in a deep coma. i had what is called "agonal breathing". it's kind of like short, shallow, ineffectual breaths. Gary said the noise i was making was "wet". he was right. in the night, i aspirated the chocolate milk from my stomach into my lungs. i was drowning. my heartbeat was very faint. the paramedics were called, where they tried to resuscitate me. they tried to put a tube down my throat so that oxygen could be pumped into my lungs. they couldn't get the tube in, but they tore my lip open deeply in their attempt. when they took me in the ambulance, they expected i would be a DOA...dead on arrival. i still had a thready heartbeat when i arrived at the hospital ER, and the doctors there were able to intubate (put the tube into my throat) me artificially breath for me, but it was useless, because my blood pressure had bottomed out. my heartbeats were so weak, i was unable to pump my blood through my body, so it was almost stagnant. my brain and other vital organs were dying quickly. Gary was told i would likely die that day. my heart kept beating, although inefficiently, through that day and into the night. a neurologist examined me, and along with several other doctors told Gary that i was brain dead, and my condition was not reversible. Gary was told he needed to stop life support. Gary asked the doctor if he could "keep me warm" long enough for my children and other loved ones could come say good-bye before life support was stopped. i had kids all over the world, friends and other family members all around the united states. the doctor said he would try, but mot to count on it. Gary was told to "make arrangements" for my body. a casket was purchased, as well as a burial plot. the local mortuary was notified, and my funeral was planned and paid for. the mortician came to see "the body" (me!) in the hospital to get an idea of what he would need to "prepare" me. he told the doctor not to put stitches in my torn lip, because he could make it look less noticeable after he "prepared" the body. my heart kept beating, and i continued to have very low blood pressure. there was no blood to my brain, and Gary was told my brain had died, which meant i was dead. what i am writing next might be upsetting to read, so if you're squeamish, you were warned. without oxygenated, moving blood, all my major organs had died. that included brain, liver, kidneys, intestines , muscles...everything. my body started to decompose. gasses were released from my cells, and i swelled up huge and unrecognizable. after the gas released from my body, i went back to, well..as normal as i could. and i began to smell. my skin was fairly OK because i was turned diligently by the nursing that. my legs were crossed though, and since i was dead, they didn't bother to uncross them. no one could know what the consequences of that would be. finally. 2 whole weeks had gone by, much longer than was expected. my heart continued to putter, not working. it was only electrical, not mechanical. my family and friends had all said goodbye by now. it was time to end this horrible wait, which had lasted much longer than was expected. hospice had already evaluated me, and were ready to stop life support. it was scheduled for the next morning. Gary stayed by my side that night, holding on to every minute that he could still touch me. then, as God is my witness, this whole story is true....i woke up. i remember from this point on. i looked around, and realized i was in ICU in the hospital, and i had no idea why. i assumed i must have been in an accident. i moved, and Gary looked at me with the most astonished look on his face. i was still intubated, so i couldn't talk. i mouthed at him, "what is my O2 sat?". i'm an RN, and was asking Gary to look at one of the machines in the room to see what my blood/oxygen saturation was. he looked worse than scared. he was terrified. he had just seen his VERY DEAD WIFE COME BACK TO LIFE. this was impossible. the nurses came flying in. son the doctors followed them. not just one, but a bunch of them, including the neurologist who had examined me and declared me dead. i didn't know what the big deal was. within minutes, the breathing tube was removed. i could breath fine, and didn't need any oxygen supplement. the X-rays had shown my longs to be little more than scar tissue. urine started to pour from my catheter. i was able to think clearly, and take part of my own care plan. i was put on the list for multiple organ transplants, after all, all my organs were dead. upon examination and vials of blood were taken for lab work, it was determined that everything was functioning normally. this was totally inexplicable. i've seen the lab studies of before and after. the first was sample showed results that were completely inconsistent with life. the second was normal. i know all this sounds unbelievable. if it wasn't me, i don't think i would believe it either. you would think that my loved ones would have been ecstatic. they weren't. they were frightened. they had said goodbye to a dead person, and here i was, alive and well. almost well. when my legs were crossed, a nerve was compressed and was destroyed. i could feel or move my right foot or ankle. soon, as the blood flow was returning, i became in horrible, horrible pain, which has never gone away, or even relieved much, in spite of pain medication. but, strangely, my face pain has disappeared completely, and i haven't had any depression. just frustration that i walk with great difficulty and pain, using a cane. but it's a site better than being dead. as the 2 years have gone by, my only memories have been of unspeakable horrific coma nightmares, where i was tortured and died over and over. i try not to think of them. i've had repeated blood studies done, all of which are normal. no one is afraid of me anymore, and they are all witnesses of what happened. my short term memory isn't very good, but it wasn't that good before. at least now i have something to blame it on! people have asked why i came back, and what did i see when i was dead. i came back because of one reason. prayer, prayer and more prayer from family, friends, strangers and children. people from all over the world. many didn't know me, but had heard of me through the grapevine. a few said it was their first prayer. they were prayers from different faiths and priesthood blessings with anointed oil. what had i seen? it wasn't what i SAW, but what i LEARNED. the things i learned were of a spiritual nature. i talk about it only to people i know won't make fun of me, or belittle me. what i learned is sacred, and i will not subject it to scorn or derision. so this is my story. i hope, but don't expect that everyone will believe me. i know i've opened myself up for criticism, but i hope not. i'm telling you my story for your own enlightenment, and i hope inspiration. i know God lives and is there for us, as is his Beloved Son. they are there for everyone.
