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This Defines Me Now...

 hen eighth grade came along… I thought nothing could bring me down; I couldn’t have been more wrong. So Tuesday night(9-9-08) my IBS was acting up and all I could hear my mom say is your going to school tomorrow. I swore to god if I heard that one more time I was going to Kill her! So when she says that I say “No **** ma!” any way I went to sleep by 12am.My mom came in my room yelling at 4am your going to school! School doesn’t start till seven! I can honestly say I hate my mother and now more so! Anyway it was 5:30am when I realized tomorrow is 9/11 and I didn’t have a good feeling about today. But days of yelling vs. a lifetime of pain what would you have chose? Unfortunately I didn’t know this would be the start of my lifetime in hell. So today was Wednesday I have gym with my favorite teacher Mr. Maury, he had my sister years ago too. So I got ready I was wearing Blue sweat pants and a red top, did my hair grabbed my bag and started walking to my bus by 6am.  
It takes me 30mintues to get to my bus stop, but I didn’t get to my bus stop till 7:10am because the bus was a little late. Anyway let me walk you through what happened:     
    I was walking down to my bus stop when I saw my brother’s friend under the under pass.  I didn’t think anything of him being there. I saw him many times before. As I was walking by he asked “how’s your brother.” I said “fine.” So I continued walking and he asked “where do you think you’re going!” and he grabbed me by the soldier then he grabbed my wrist really hard and pulled me close. That’s when I knew something wasn’t right. I told him let me go! Before I could even say go he punched me!  I went flying black scraping my face on the pole. I blacked out, only to awake to find my shirt ripped open and him on me and on top of me. I started crying, begging and pledging for him to stop but he wouldn’t. he put a knife to my throat and said if I say another word I’m dead. All I could think about where the cars driving by hoping someone would help, but no one did. I don’t know how much time went by while he was in me it was degusting! I finally got the strength to punch him in the face. That’s when he ripped out of me I screamed it hurt so bad. I kicked him and he ran off.
    I picked my pants up and ran to my bus stop, covering my face, when the bus came and I ran on it; was quick to find a seat. I started crying on the bus, but I hate when people see me cry so I was as silent as possible. Then I started to remember something’s like him saying “If you tell anyone I’ll kill you and your sister will be next.” All I could think about at that time was keeping my sister safe, because she had a baby. Finally! The bus got to school I ran to the bathroom trying to stop the bleeding, Funny thing is till day I still bleed. I dropped to my knees, getting my phone out shaking while I text her “Please come get me” But she said “No” she thought I was “Faking stomach pain”
 

The school bell Rang I tried not to be noticed, but with my face; how could I not be noticed? I bumped into my teacher Mrs. Irrnochi. No one really liked her. She was known as the witch in the school. She started yelling at me to look at her when she was talking. So finally I did. Before I knew it, I was in the principal’s office and the cops were there too. I didn’t want anything to do with the cops; they were right down the street and didn’t help me! So why now?! They came in asking so many questions! I wanted to tell them “**** off” but I didn’t, I had no voice at that time. I wanted them gone, I wanted to tell them the truth but I couldn’t, What about my sister? I couldn’t risk her getting hurt. So I kept my mouth shut. The cop said “can you give us a description of the guy? So I said he was wearing a mask so couldn’t tell, even though he wasn’t. I very much knew who my attacker was but I didn’t want anyone to no. I wanted to forget his face as soon as possible.

After awhile, I broke down and told them. They took me to the site! When I arrived at the site, I saw it happening over and over again in my head... I thought I was going crazy. Then as I was telling them what happened, they were yelling at me “you’re lying aren’t you!” I was crushed; I wish I never told them anything! I felt like a freak everyone looking at me because of the scars on her face that he left. I went to the station and made a report. One cop was really nice and helped me make my statement but, beside him, was a picture of my attacker and as soon as I seen it. I didn’t cry I got every every every angry! I didn’t go to school for a week. I wouldn’t leave my bed either. Finally I got the courage to go to school and all I wanted to do was put everything behind me. But the students wouldn’t let me. I told one person that I thought was my best friend. You know the game telephone? Well that’s what happened.

Every day! I went to school I would hear people calling me a ****! A hoe! A *****! A prostitute etc... I couldn’t take it anymore or well that’s what I thought. The following week the boys got into it. Every time I went into the bathroom or gym the guys would follow me in there and take their junk out. Then I was sitting outside all alone then about 5 guys came up to me and said “why you aren’t on the Corner where you’re supposes to be?” I could have fought back but they weren’t worth it. I got up and walked into the bathroom that was my worst mistake. There were two guys walking in behind me into the bathroom, they were whispering to each other. I tried to ignore it and go into a Stall. I thought they were gone but, they weren’t, they was waiting for me to come out with their pants down, Flash backs wouldn’t stop!

     I wanted to and indeed attempted suicide. One time I was taking a bath and I tried drowning myself I got lightheaded but never enough to kill me. Another time I tried suffocating myself again, never got to the point it would kill me then one day, I went into the kitchen and grabbed a chair and brought it into my room. I used my dogs leash as a rope and got on top of the chair and I tied it to the ceiling fan and then around my neck. I counted to three slowly one…..two…. then I started having a flash back, I could hear myself screaming for help and then I saw his face and I just jumped. The rope broke; I was so upset I cried. I kept asking myself why. Why me

Tyeater Tyeater 18-21, F 3 Responses Dec 3, 2011

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I'm so sorry for what happened to you.It saddens me to know that kids would be that cruel to you. Don't attempt suicide, don't. It's not your fault, it's the pathetic person who did this to you.You need to find that courage you had when you went back to school.But for right now, you need to seek professional help so that you can cope with these flashbacks. Not trying to diagnose you or anything but you may have Post traumatic stress disorder and that's why you're having these flashbacks. I will pray for you.

Everything will get better. The reason your suicide attempts aren't working is because God has a plan for you.

That's exactly what I was thinking when I read this. God doesn't want you to die it isn't your time yet. He wants you to live your life to the fullest. Let the stupid people talk crap, but you know you aren't any of the things they called you. I am only a thirteen year old girl, but I just wanted to say, you are a beautiful, strong, young lady. Don't let some stupid boys ruin you life. You are better than that. I was bullied ever since I was in first grade and I eventually went off on a few people. I would randomly start crying and my friends would wonder what was going on and others would think that I was crazy. I finally let out all my anger in writing. That helped a lot and I started studying a few languages. Play several instruments and draw. This was a way to vent my anger and do something beautiful with it. Whatever mood I am in I express with my art. That might be good for you to do as it helped me. Find something you love and devote a lot to it. Show it off or keep it to yourself. It could help. Please don't resort to drugs and drinking, things like that, your life is beautiful, live it to the fullest. Sorry this was so long.

Well, first of all, stop suicide attempts. According to your story, you can easily hurt yourself and make yourself even worse, but hardly kill yourself. With all this situation around you -- try to relocate. <br />
Second. Call 1.800.656.HOPE and talk. Ask for advice and counseling. It is necessary. I know it is hard to believe, but post-traumatic therapy should help. Also check http://www.rapeis.org/support.html and http://www.justicewomen.com/help_special_rape.html -- the last one is the guide for victims.<br />
Third. Visit -- it is very important -- the group of Rape Victims Anonymous (find it here: <br />
http://www.rapevictimsanonymous.org/index.html) or some other proposed by your counselor. Do not neglect it.<br />
And again: please stop your suicide attempts. You're struggling for life, and failed attempt can result some physical or mental disability -- not the result that suits you. Successful attempt suites you neither.<br />
My best regards, and feel free to send your doubts and questions by mail.