(after sharing this story and getting the comments I did, I have never felt like so blessed, I am not alone and there is support. I can't explain the feelings I have. But thank you all )I am 20 years old, and in my life I have been sexually abused more than once. Some of which I blame myself for being young and naive and letting myself get into situations which most young people wouldn't have. But I still have a choice to say No. Im not going to go through all events because that will take time and cause pain and it's not like anyone will read this? But I thought I'd share this.
The first time it happened I was eight years old.
My parents divorced when I was six years old and the custody was given to my father, because my father worked long hours in the city my brother and I were taken care of by a baby sitter regularly. Her name was Debbie, she was married with 3 sons. The oldest was called Joesph he was 13 years of age, then there was david being 6 the same age as my brother at the time and then the youngest Sam who was only about 2-3.
She would baby sit us after school and on weekends. David, my brother, Joesph and Sam shared a room when we stayed over and I would sleep by myself in Joesphs room. His room had a lock on the door. I find it hard to give full detail or talk about this, but Joesph came into the room when it was late, he told me to be quiet, I was little.. I thought we were friends, he made me show him my body...he started to do stuff to me..and i was crying and i was telling him to stop but he said if i said anything that he'd hurt me and that i would get into trouble and that i was being silly it was normal. then he rap..d me. he covered my mouth so no one could hear me. he then went back into the other room, I was young and didnt understand what had happened. I didnt sleep that night, I can remember the sun rise very clearly. I was confused I felt ashamed and disgusted and I felt bad. I tried to forget about it, I started acting out more my parents thought it was the divorce. I then asked questions like what is sex, how do you have sex, how do you get pregnant. I thought maybe I could get pregnant. I was so little I didnt understand anything that happened.
I didnt tell anyone till I was 13, at that time of my life my father had re-married. His new wife hated me, literally. She hated my mother. But loved my brother. I was going to a lot of counselling and seeing a lot of different therapists because of the emotional and small amount of phsycial abuse my father did, more emotional involving my step mother. Everytime I would get close to opening up with a therapist or making progress my father and step mother would change to a new one because the therapists would say that there parenting also had a lot to do with it.
Anyway, I was finally starting to tell a therapist things, I started to mention what happened when I was young and they reconfirmed that it was wrong, they explained I was sexual assaulted and because I was self harming at the time they mentioned to my father and step mother that something had happened which they may need to take action or speak to me about because I was at risk.
Then my father and step mother forced it out of me, I finally had told someone then finally told my parents. I was crying my eyes out and I remember my step mother trying to calm me down. Dad left the room went upstairs and apparently made a phone call to that old baby sitter spoke to her and the son and they said it never happened. Then I was accused of having numerous mental illness's being crazy and psychotic with lying problems.
A year later I went away after some other bad stuff happened, to a mental institute where I got the therapy I needed to. But still to this day they dont believe me, it took me so many years to finally speak up and then when I did I had no one besides my real mother to stand by me and comfort me.
Logically though, if there was a rapist or serial killer and someone confronted them on a dead body or an accusation of rape... what is the likely hood of that person who is doing the wrong thing..in saying "Hey yeah by the way I sexually assaulted a young girl..??!"
I have given up on contact with my father and step mother because it will only make things worse and there'll be a never ending mind game which I cant win.
Thanks for reading this whoever does.
jezkahmariie 18-21, F 10 Responses 3 Sep 1, 2012