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(after sharing this story and getting the comments I did, I have never felt like so blessed, I am not alone and there is support. I can't explain the feelings I have. But thank you all )

I am 20 years old, and in my life I have been sexually abused more than once. Some of which I blame myself for being young and naive and letting myself get into situations which most young people wouldn't have. But I still have a choice to say No. Im not going to go through all events because that will take time and cause pain and it's not like anyone will read this? But I thought I'd share this.

The first time it happened I was eight years old.
My parents divorced when I was six years old and the custody was given to my father, because my father worked long hours in the city my brother and I were taken care of by a baby sitter regularly. Her name was Debbie, she was married with 3 sons. The oldest was called Joesph he was 13 years of age, then there was david being 6 the same age as my brother at the time and then the youngest Sam who was only about 2-3.

She would baby sit us after school and on weekends. David, my brother, Joesph and Sam shared a room when we stayed over and I would sleep by myself in Joesphs room. His room had a lock on the door. I find it hard to give full detail or talk about this, but Joesph came into the room when it was late, he told me to be quiet, I was little.. I thought we were friends, he made me show him my body...he started to do stuff to me..and i was crying and i was telling him to stop but he said if i said anything that he'd hurt me and that i would get into trouble and that i was being silly it was normal. then he rap..d me. he covered my mouth so no one could hear me. he then went back into the other room, I was young and didnt understand what had happened. I didnt sleep that night, I can remember the sun rise very clearly. I was confused I felt ashamed and disgusted and I felt bad. I tried to forget about it, I started acting out more my parents thought it was the divorce. I then asked questions like what is sex, how do you have sex, how do you get pregnant. I thought maybe I could get pregnant. I was so little I didnt understand anything that happened.

I didnt tell anyone till I was 13, at that time of my life my father had re-married. His new wife hated me, literally. She hated my mother. But loved my brother. I was going to a lot of counselling and seeing a lot of different therapists because of the emotional and small amount of phsycial abuse my father did, more emotional involving my step mother. Everytime I would get close to opening up with a therapist or making progress my father and step mother would change to a new one because the therapists would say that there parenting also had a lot to do with it.
Anyway, I was finally starting to tell a therapist things, I started to mention what happened when I was young and they reconfirmed that it was wrong, they explained I was sexual assaulted and because I was self harming at the time they mentioned to my father and step mother that something had happened which they may need to take action or speak to me about because I was at risk.

Then my father and step mother forced it out of me, I finally had told someone then finally told my parents. I was crying my eyes out and I remember my step mother trying to calm me down. Dad left the room went upstairs and apparently made a phone call to that old baby sitter spoke to her and the son and they said it never happened. Then I was accused of having numerous mental illness's being crazy and psychotic with lying problems.
A year later I went away after some other bad stuff happened, to a mental institute where I got the therapy I needed to. But still to this day they dont believe me, it took me so many years to finally speak up and then when I did I had no one besides my real mother to stand by me and comfort me.

Logically though, if there was a rapist or serial killer and someone confronted them on a dead body or an accusation of rape... what is the likely hood of that person who is doing the wrong thing..in saying "Hey yeah by the way I sexually assaulted a young girl..??!"

I have given up on contact with my father and step mother because it will only make things worse and there'll be a never ending mind game which I cant win.

Thanks for reading this whoever does.
jezkahmariie jezkahmariie 18-21, F 9 Responses Sep 1, 2012

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You are a strong woman, I believe in you, I do so because you have the courage to tell your story and I have spoke to many women and men about the same thing and you are absolutely beautiful on the outside and inside.

I to was raped when i was young. i was four when it started and five when it stopped. My family covered it up and no one ever talks about it. my rapist is my step uncle and every time i see him i have to act like everything is okay and that nothing happened. i read your story and it made me cry because i went through the same thing. I can relate to your story and i've tried to tell people but they think i make things up or that i was to young to remember anything from when i was four or five years old. Please keep your head up and be strong i need someone out there who's been through the same thing to be strong so i can be strong as well.

Do not let this incident get ahead of your judgement. You are quite strong. I fell sorry for you that you had to go to a mental institute. That shouldn't have happened even though you are saying it helped. I know sometimes such incidents get the best of us, but don't let them win the war.

When I told my step mom we were having coffee. I was nervous and didn't know what to expect. I thought the clock would stop ticking, the phone would silence mid ring, the world would silence, collapse or explode and as it turns out she just continued drinking her coffee. I was 15 when it first happened and 17 when I told her and to this day when I look at her I feel as though I a seeing a statue that I am seeing for the first time and yet Somehow I know and loathe

PLEASE continue to seek help as you are comfortable. It is so hard, but you will free yourself from the shadow of it. I am a rape survivor with a similar story and am familiar with being called a liar. It gets better, and you did not do anything wrong. Keep talking about it. You are NOT stupid. You are amazing. Thanks for sharing.

your story is very similar to mine... if you ever need someone to talk to, ill be online.

Just like the others, it is difficult to give much counsel when it comes to situations like this... But, despite the lack of being able to change things with words, I do hope you find the peace you long for. And above all, never let yourself feel guilty for the wrongs of others. I am sorry this happened to you, and I wish you all the best. Be strong, but also don't be afraid to be weak, you don't always have to be tough! If you ever need someone to talk to, I am here. Seriously!

I might not know just what to say, but i am here for you nonetheless.

thanks x

I'm so so very sorry that you got raped. That's terrible. I hope this Joseph scum gets what is coming for him. It wasn't your fault. You didn't deserve that. Stay strong. Know, that you are a strong beautiful woman and you deserve to lead a happy and healthy life X

thank you for your comments, they are really nice.Thankyou, and so do you xx

Absolutely anytime. Thank you xx