I Don't Know What To Do
Am I suppose to feel this way...... I'm scared of the dark that at anytime I'm going to look over and see him standing there. Some nights I can smell him even though he is miles away. It has gotten to the point where I have nightmares about him whispering in my ear, telling me how I'm going to make a good wife and that he is helping me. I told my story... Posted it under "I Lost My Virginaty to Rape" I was forced to have sex with him for 9 years. Some dreams are so bad I wake up to a wet bed, I can't get it out of my head!! Since age 11 all I've known is the longer I cry the longer he goes, he use to whisper crying is a sign of weakness I'm gonna make you real strong. I cant express how much pain I felt. I don't like to have sex, I don't like to give men hugs, I can't stand when a man grabs my arm, it makes me think it's about to happen again. I don't like to dress attractive because I don't like when men look at me... It makes me feel like they are undressing me. I tried to have sex when I got older with someone I like but each time feels the same.... I only see his face, feel his hands, and I feel like vomiting everytime. I show no emotions even when it hurts, and you would think after not seeing him for 9 years I would be fine, but I'm not. I am haunted by him all the time, I am so scared all the time. Exspecially when I am alone. I feel like no one can help me, I have to face him again in less than two weeks and I know that he is going to try something again! Trying to fight him on the past ended up very abusive, I'm 29 now and have been thru so much, I don't have the strength to fight again.