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I Don't Know What To Do

Am I suppose to feel this way...... I'm scared of the dark that at anytime I'm going to look over and see him standing there. Some nights I can smell him even though he is miles away. It has gotten to the point where I have nightmares about him whispering in my ear, telling me how I'm going to make a good wife and that he is helping me. I told my story... Posted it under "I Lost My Virginaty to Rape" I was forced to have sex with him for 9 years. Some dreams are so bad I wake up to a wet bed, I can't get it out of my head!! Since age 11 all I've known is the longer I cry the longer he goes, he use to whisper crying is a sign of weakness I'm gonna make you real strong. I cant express how much pain I felt. I don't like to have sex, I don't like to give men hugs, I can't stand when a man grabs my arm, it makes me think it's about to happen again. I don't like to dress attractive because I don't like when men look at me... It makes me feel like they are undressing me. I tried to have sex when I got older with someone I like but each time feels the same.... I only see his face, feel his hands, and I feel like vomiting everytime. I show no emotions even when it hurts, and you would think after not seeing him for 9 years I would be fine, but I'm not. I am haunted by him all the time, I am so scared all the time. Exspecially when I am alone. I feel like no one can help me, I have to face him again in less than two weeks and I know that he is going to try something again! Trying to fight him on the past ended up very abusive, I'm 29 now and have been thru so much, I don't have the strength to fight again.
Savien8 Savien8 26-30, F 5 Responses Dec 15, 2012

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I read this just today ........ Can u post how it went?......prayers

no it is not normal to feel how you do. having been raped myself at 17 I can believe I might know part of what you feel. I hid my being raped for a long time especially after trying to get someone of authority to listen to what I was saying. There were a lot of other things in my life that added to my acting stupid and getting myself into trouble which turned out to be a blessing . I got ordered to a counseling group even though it was not related to my rape it brought it back to my full memory. it also brought back some nightmares of that day. I was told that it would help if I wrote a letter to my rapist that even if he would not see it I would benefit from writing it. I thought it was crazy but did it anyway. I was told to write down every detail of what happened, how I felt at that time, how I felt after it happened. I was told to also say what ever I wanted to tell him about how I felt about him. I had kept all the hate and resentment for 38 years and not really know what to do about it either. writing the letter was a very big help. I ended up with 5 pages. Try it and I hope it helps.
my story is raped at 17 I am glad to have found this site but wish help was there when I first needed it. I pray that you can heal and have a better life in the very near future.

i read your story about what happened to you and i just read this and it really has touched my heart. i really am sorry that you have gone through such a horrific ordeal!
but you cannot let him beat you! you have to fight back! have you told anyone about what happened? i mean do your family know what kind of monster they're going to be sharing their xmas dinner with?
i agree with what manoflegends said, go through one of the help groups, it's what they're trained for, they can offer you the help you need and can help you get over your fears. afterall sometimes it really does help having someone to talk to.
i do agree with learning self defence as well, being able to fight off someone who means to hurt you is a good comodity to have.
but more importantly you need to talk to someone and get help to conquer your fear. it might also be time to talk to your family and explain everything that has happened.
listen of you ever need someone to talk to just drop me a message - i'm always willing to listen xx

I told my best friend and my mentor this July what happened, I felt as if j could hold it in any longer...my family is not really there for me, I just formed a relationship with my mom, she was never really around when I was younger.Thank you for your support and caring enough to give me your advice .

no problem hun :)
seriously you ever need someone to talk to then just message me on here or you can even add me on facebook as i tend to be on there more than i am on here. just look me up - Stefan Kakihara Earl :)

You shouldn't try to fight your fears alone. From what I see in this story, is that you have a post-traumatic stress disorder. There are people who have dedicated their lives to helping people like you. You should talk to them. And if it helps, there is nothing that can restore a terrified person's confidence more than learning how to defend yourself and how to fight back. Maybe you should look into combat oriented martial arts like the Krav Maga.

Thank you for your adivce!!! I will look into support groups and martial arts.

Don't have words to explain my sorrow for what happened to you. It will sound aggressive, but face him. Face him, stare him in the eyes with clinched fists and tell him that he's wrong. If he does anything out of the blue, give it all you've got. I know you are a lady so it's going to be tough, but sending a clear message is better than doing nothing. I know you are stronger and remember thoughts/ words without implementation have no worth at all.

Thank you for that advice.... I pray that I don't see him at all but I do want to see some of my family this year, I just don't want him to follow me home and know where I stay now... But if he does I WILL FIGHT my hardest. Thank you again!

You can thank me after you have faced him! Apart from supporting you with words, if there is anything else I can do, do let me know. Take care!!!