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How Much Was I Worth?

Some writing from my blog www.diaryofabrokenchild.blogspot.com trigger warning for child sexual abuse.



How much did they pay you daddy? How much was I worth?
Was I a good girl, doing the things you had showed me since birth?
You told me I was growing and said I was meant to learn the women's way
So I laid on my back with out asking questions, because to you I would always obey

You told me there were games to be played, but please daddy tell me, what was the objective?
What was I meant to Learn?
I learned how to hate my body but more then that to hate the person that I am.
YOU planted that seed of hatred the first time you touched me the way a father shouldn't
Then every time you returned for more you watered that hatred
And it grew and spread like weeds through my body, taking over and attacking my every part
It started with my heart, wrapping itself around then strangling the life out of it
Next it moved on to my brain. Burying memories in the dirt there for me to find later
So was that it? Was the object of those games to show me that you owned me?
To get inside me more then just physically but mentally,
To leave parts of you there so that never would I forget those lessons?

How much did they pay you daddy? How much was I worth?
Was I a good girl, doing the things you had showed me since birth?
You told me I was growing and said I was meant to learn the women's way
So I laid on my back with out asking questions, because to you I would always obey

I left that body and I sat far away as you put your heavy weight on that little girl.
I watched her scream and I shushed her so as not to make you angry
I watched your hands and pull up her dress
And as I watched the life go out of her eyes I decided it was to much to see
So I left the room, I ran out the window and into the sky
I bounced on the clouds as they changed shapes and became other things
Wishing I could become a different thing

How much did they pay you daddy? How much was I worth?
Was I a good girl, doing the things you had showed me since birth?
You told me I was growing and said I was meant to learn the women's way
So I laid on my back with out asking questions, because to you I would always obey

You stood over me with that man talking and laughing, money exchanging hands
I laid there but could not understand the words that were said
You spoke a different language, it was the language of men,
Of all men who hurt little children, and only these men can understand it
But you translated to me using your body.
And when I cried your fists interpreted the words I could not comprehend

How much did they pay you daddy? How much was I worth?
Was I a good girl, doing the things you had showed me since birth?
You told me I was growing and said I was meant to learn the women's way
So I laid on my back with out asking questions, because to you I would always obey

But then something happened and I could no longer bounce on those clouds
I fell from them and back into the girls body
You took out your rope and tied up my wrists to the bed posts
Closing my door, you left me alone with this man
He climbs on top of me just like you did daddy
I try to reach the clouds but they are to high
I am glass with many cracks
His actions causes it to shatter into a million pieces, falling on to my pink sheets

How much did they pay you daddy? How much was I worth?
Was I a good girl, doing the things you had showed me since birth?
You told me I was growing and said I was meant to learn the women's way
So I laid on my back with out asking questions, because to you I would always obey

silverstar415850 silverstar415850 18-21, F 2 Responses Jan 22, 2013

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Dam it!! You have no idea how hard I have tried fto forget! Now I remember every bit of thos to nights!!!

This is so powerful. I'm so sorry that you and so many women and girls have had to go through abuse. Men are supposed to protect women and care for them, not take what isn't theirs. You deserve better. Stories like these make me ashamed of my gender.

Thank you, your sweet. Your right we do deserve better and we deserve to not have to be afraid everywhere we go but especially in our own homes. Its a sick kind of world we live in and this abuse happens to often.

What the hell are you talking about? Im not being a fool for expecting my father not to rape me. How does a four year old protect themselves from rape by a father and his friends? Go write your stupid comments somewhere else.

Its still a stupid comment husbands are supposed to protect their wives and father are supposed to protect their children not hurt them. Yes everyone is responsible for their ownselves but men still arent supposednto hurt women the same way women sshouldn't hurt men, no one should be hurting anyone. And why are you trying to start some sort of debate on my story? If you don't agree then no one is forcing you to read it.

"if you were a husband" is the key phrase here...Because no one would ever marry your stupid ***. Go away and find someone else to annoy

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