Never The Same Person

I have never shared my stories to anyone but my counselor and one other person. This is very hard for me to do, somethings may be jumbled up because I blocked most of it out. I was 13 years old and in 8th grade. One of my 'friends' got a bunch of people after me and so my parents started homeschooling me at the end of the first quarter. Alot of my friends and I lost touch. There was one girl, she was my brothers GF and was in high school. After they broke up, her birthday was coming up a couple months before mine. She invited me and one other person. It was gonna be at a Hotel with a pool and we were all gonna be swimming. She told me the other person she invited was a boy I didnt know. We told my parents no boys were gonna be there, I should have listened to them when they told me no. I was spoiled and I knew if I pouted I would get my way and eventually they would cave in and let me go. I was a good girl I swear. At that point I had never done drugs, I was a Virgin (Never evn thought about sex) and I barely even cussed, I believed in God . I had my anger problems but my whole family did. So that morning I got my bags ready and waited for her and her mom to pick me up. I had jeans and a T-shirt on over my Bikini. I loved swimming so I was overly excited. It was a little chilly but not to where I needed a jacket on. We got there ate pizza and swam for hours. I had one of those cheap trac phones I only could get minutes when I got money so I only had a few left. The guy originally invited never showed, so my friend (Amy) asked if she could invite this other guy out with my phone and I said sure. I told her where my phone was and she texted him. I was self conscious about my body at the time, so when I climbed out of the pool I had the towel wrapped around me the second I was on the latter. Amy was excited for me to meet this guy. So him and a few of his friends walked up to us and Amy introduced me and the only ones name I remembered was His. He was a good looking guy but I was not interested he was 19 me only 13. I had just met him. Me and Amy walked into our room to get changed well we walked in on her aunt having sex. We grabbed our stuff and ran to the bathroom and got dressed. I had on a pair of short shorts and kind of see through white top with my now dried bathing suit top on underneath it. I also had flip flops on. I brushed my hair out and it was long and soft. Once done we went and sat on the wall that was inside the hotel and talked the her friends. I was the youngest and the only one who didnt know any one so I kinda sat alone which was fine by me I just liked chilling out with people. I was playing with my phone that was almost out texts. Then he walked up sat by me. He was a charmer I remember laughing so hard at his jokes and feeling like he cared about me and my thoughts, I was a bit of a tomboy and so he showed me his awesome knife as we walked and talked. Then he asked me one question that threw me off guard. "You wanna ****?" I laughed thinking it was a joke. I was way younger and I just met this guy. Then I stopped and looked at him, "Wait, your serious?" My eyebrows raised as I asked him that. He had a devilish smile and nodded, then I told him no I told him I was a virgin that I planned on keeping my V-Card and that I just met him so no way in hell. He seemed very understanding about this and so we began talking and laughing until he needed to take his friends home. Sam then took my phone and began texting him using up the rest of my text messages to beg him to come back. Eventually he did, but not before I was in my PJ shorts and tank. I will admit they were kinda slutty and they had cutie on my ***. They showed off my cleavage. When he came into our room her aunt was passed out drunk, her boyfriend gone and some captain was left in a bottle. I began to feel very uneasy about the situation. I sat at the little desk with my MP3 player in and a coke. He turned the AC on full blast and left me with no choice but to climb under the cover Amy was in between us so no big deal. I started to cough and had to get a drink so I got up for no more than 5 seconds and when I laid back he was right next to me. I laid on my back he asked me if I was okay in my ear and I nodded. Then I felt his fingers on my upper thigh, he began rubbing my leg. I am not sure why but I lost my voice, it was like ice shot through my veins, wrapped itself around my bones, and tore into my muscles. So I laid there frozen. I pictured his knife he showed me earlier that night. He never actually threatened me with it, but he could have pulled it out in a split second. I knew I wouldn't be strong enough to fend him off. I did the only thing I could I dissociated with my body. It was like the scarred little girl laying in the bed wasnt me. I felt sorry for her and tried telling her to say no and scream, if that didnt work kick scratch do whatever it took to get out of that position. I was always so happy and loud before that second and then I couldnt even say one ******* word. Then he grabbed my hand and held it like we were together and I just laid there limp. His fingers found there way up to my stomach, and they were under my shorts rubbing my ***** not gently but hard. He bragged to Amy I could hear him telling her what he was doing then she stood and walked out of the room. I knew that was it I wasnt going to be a virgin anymore. She left me there with that bastard and her drunk passed out aunt. His cold hand found its way under my Panties. He started to in between my legs, I wasnt wet so it was very rough. Then I gasped as his cold fingers slid into my tight *****, I hadnt even *********** before that. It hurt and thats when my body completely shut down, I felt tears welling up in my eyes but suppressed them. Then he told me to help him with taking my pants off but I just laid there then he began pulling them off. He got one leg out and he dropped the other Im not sure what all happened then. I just remember his **** rubbing my thighs then I felt it rubbing my *****. I could how big it was. He tried t put it in while both my legs were felt but he couldnt so he begin positioning my body how he wanted and I remember flashes of severe pain but I just laid there I didnt move until Amy came back in. She told me to come on. And he stopped looked back at her and said She is a little busy right now so get out. When she said it again I had the strength to move and jumped out of bed and slowly put my pants back on slowly walked out of the room and to the area that had nothing in it and then finally collapsed and Kept telling Amy that I dint want to I didnt want to over and over never once shedding a tear, Then we walked to the restroom I went to a stall shut and locked the door and kept wiping at where he touched me as If I could just wipe everything away I was in there for about a half hour repeatedly wiping and scrubbing until I was raw. I let one tear escape but only one. I was strong I never cried because of my feelings and I wasnt sure what exactly I happened I need to erase it from my mind. That night I couldnt call any one to come get me I laid in the same exact spot and watched the clock tick every minute by every once and awhile I would stand and walk feeling so dirty. after about half way through I laid on the floor and just lid there and thought bout walking across town to get home. I was afraid that any minute he would come through the door and finish what he started. When everyone else got up we went swimming and I tried so hard to hold myself under the water till I drowned but it didnt work out. And then That ***** of a 'friend' Bragged to her aunt about what happened and then wjen she went back to school and told my brother who everyday I asked him to go for walks with me I wanted to forget it ever happened but was afraid he would see me and do it to me again. I never had my brother walk with me he knew something was up with me before Amy told him. I had my brother if he knew the guy and he said yeah why do you have the hots for him not knowing what had happened yet. Then one day he came home I was walking up the stairs and he stopped me and asked why I asked him about the guy and that ice cold fear came over me again and then he said what I feared what did he do to you I started to sit down and repeatedly saying I didnt want to again I begged him not to tell mom and dad but I already knew he was going to no matter what I said. I ran to my room and tried to hide under the covers like a little kid I barely talked since that night I never smiled I zoned out all the time and so there I was trying hide like a little kid My mom yelled for me to come downstairs finally I walked down there and she was sooo upset and asked me what happened I never told the full story till now I am now 19 almost 20 and since then I have slept with at least 15 or more guys two ********** I have gotten drunk, high, popped pills, smoke cigs, I have cut, burned myself, and done duster and went to counseling for five years and never fully told her the full story. I got raped by another guy on the stage at my high school I told him I wasnt ready and tried pushing him off me and told him no repeatedly and began to cry cause I felt of it and was big and he just rammed it in and after that I had sex with him repeatedly. After that one night My life changed completely I let guys use me and I now fantasize about or more men taking me by force as I fight back maybe its cause I couldnt with the first guy but It is my biggest fantasy!! God I need help, but oh well I dont mind being a Crazy Chic cause most guys dig that about me and thats just fine cause I like being one of the guys...