What She Did Was So Wrong...

I missed her, we hadn't hung out in so long...

She brought over my favorite rum and we started taking shots, her and I, while my boyfriend drank beer...

I remember walking down to the bonfire, then leaving to pee, then coming back...

And nothing.

Next thing I know I'm alone in my boyfriend's trailer and crying. I was really upset about something but I didn't know what. I wrapped myself up in blankets and took his tablet with me as I stumbled up a hill...

He found me there later, next to the train tracks, listening to music. I had no idea where I was or what had happened. He picked me up and carried me to bed...

Spinning.. the world is spinning... I wake up sick and run outside to vomit. I threw up all night and all morning. I saw the bottle she brought over and it was nearly empty. I have never been able to drink that much without getting too sick first...

I realize a huge chunk of the night is missing from my memory. I try asking my friend but she says she doesn't remember...

I asked my boyfriend what happened...

He said at some point in the night we disappeared into the riverbed. He went looking for us and as he got close to some brush, he heard me moaning and calling out his name. He thought I was having "fun" with my friend and walked away...

I was calling his name...

I thought it was him...

Days later I finally realize she did remember and lied about it. I realized I was the one who wasn't supposed to remember....

she raped me...

my own friend... raped me.. when I was too drunk to stop her.. and I thought she was somebody else... and she kept going... she knew the whole time...

and he walked away...

I confronted her and she blew up on me and made me feel like I had done something wrong, then she went around telling people I had emotional problems to discredit me...

Almost everyone I reached out to said it was my fault for drinking and why was I complaining about a girl taking advantage of me? Isn't that what everyone wants? I'm overreacting to something that isn't a big deal...

but if she was a guy, she would've been arrested...

my boyfriend would've supported me...

my friends would've supported me...

my counselor would've supported me...

She took something from me that night. I'm scared to trust. I'm scared to drink. I'm scared to talk about what happened. I'm scared to go partying with friends.

I'm scared.. scarred.. and alone...