The Babysitter

I was thirteen; my mom was out of town and left me alone to take care of my aunt's little girl. Later, her friend would come to take care of me that night. I told my mom I didn't have good feelings about her friend (I consider myself psychic) and I knew she wasn't a good person. I had no reason for my feelings of hostility towards her friend, Julie, but I just knew. That night after the little girl left, Julie told me she would teach me what it was like to be with a woman. She told me to take off my clothes and I kept on asking if she was sure and she kept saying the same thing. That it was fine, it was okay. It wasn't. I am ashamed to say that I did as she told me, but I was scared out of my mind. She told me to lay down and I did and just froze as she performed oral sex on me. It was my fault; completely my fault. No matter what anybody tells me. Everyone says that victims always blame themselves, but I think I have a good reason to blame myself. I could have done something, but all I did was nothing. For some reason, I didn't let this affect my personal life. Studies show that most victims are mentally traumatized by rape. I am ashamed to call my case rape. Many women and men (including my mother) were violently raped, drugged, murdered. My mother tells me that her case was worse, because it was a man. She says it was more emotionally and especially physically disturbing, which offends me because she has no idea what I went through. Still, every time I think about the night it happened, I cry. I got up to the point where I thought about killing myself. I don't have much reason to live.. but I don't have much reason to die, either.
nashnebula nashnebula
5 Responses Mar 31, 2013

Sorry you had to go through that, you have all the reasons to live.

Guy, you are 20 some thing and probably experiencing depression. I'm too sort of depressed but i know when i'm not depressed. The whole nothing to live reason goes away. I hope you seek psychological treatment. You will feel loads better.

i wish i could rape you

You are right it was your fault, you're psychic dude! you said you knew something was off, but since it was not forceful, you don't have to call it rape if you don't want to, you can feel better about it now, I understand how disgusting it must have been, go have a nice warm bath, and erase it from your memory, replace that lady with someone attractive and change the story so it doesn't feel so bad.

Try hypnosis(very efficient in screwing with you memories)

It wasn't your fault. Each time you review this incident and each time you blame yourself, it seems to you as though you are being nothing but rational and realistic. This is what victims experience. They're not saying they blame themselves for any other reason than that it seems to them absolutely, unequivocally true. It was HER fault. If she hadn't preyed upon you, none of it would have happened. Ask a counselor who specializes in sex abuse. Just have an initial interview, give her/him the facts and ask if, since you believe it's your fault, does the counselor think there'sj a way out of this state of mind.Don't continue to harm yourself. Courage. Best wishes.