I'm Still Befuddled By This Scenario I Was In...

I'm still not really prepared to call it rape, and I never told anyone this story for soooo long, but over time, over many lover's whom I would share this story, it seemed to help them realize why I am and who I am, for are we not but a good chunk of what our past has shaped us into? Also besides that, there's a large bit to this story, and realize my first true ************ occurred two weeks prior to this, though I had been sexual often and many times before.

Anywho, on with the story...

I was 12, just about to turn 13 that summer and about to enter high-school, I had this deep melodramatic crush for this girl, she belonged to a family that was friends with my family. She was older (by a year or two but same grade level), she was definitely experienced (sexually), and she looked damn hot in a bikini when we'd share her parents hot-tub at their house.

Both our families decided to rent a house-boat for one of the last weeks of the summer; late august, before school started for us.

My best ended up going out with her on my b-day night, and not two weeks later, the house-boat incident. I noticed early on in the four-day encounter at the house-boat that their daughter and my newly-acquired step-sisters were fighting for my attentions (as we were all the same age and going through adolescence). They would have me and the three of them paddle out in a canoe into the middle of the lake (while the houseboat was anchored to an edge), and then ask me about hair under my arms and such things about "being a man and growing up", then they would push me out of the canoe and paddle laughing back to the house-boat. I knew it took me at least two hours to swim myself back to the boat-house, and I'd be pissed as **** until one of them would come up to me and soothe and caress me until I calmed down.

On the final (or next to final, can't really recall that tid-bit) night, I ended up in the bunk-room on top of the boat-house, it was kinda like chimney-shaped, with a roof at about 4ft and dimensions about 6x6 with a ladder to go to it in the middle. I remember Michelle, the daughter of the other family, had started talking sex-stuff, and me being me, I shied my way out of it as much as I could. I don't remember if she lunged at me or if it started innocent; all I remember was by the end of it she had her knees pinned against my arms, and her crotch was pressed against mine. She started kneading my crotch with her own as I would struggle (until I was 17 or so I actually had deep morals about sex and purity and all that BS) against her, and she forced me to get hard. I vividly recall and know that I struggled and such, even so much as whimpering and looking at her while she'd coo and cluck with "now you really do want this, don'tcha?" and "don't resist yourself, who do you think you are?". 

And the epitome to this encounter, is when she had me hard as a rock and excited (despite myself) beyond belief, she reached down into my swim trunk, fondled me for a few seconds, and then realized that despite how I act, how I was, and how I looked, I was hairless down there...unlike her...and I guess unlike anyone she's been with.

She suddenly looked at me shocked at this sudden knowledge, whispered "Oh, god. You're just a kid!" and quickly got off of me.

If there was anything to give someone a pessimistic attitude sexually, it would be an encounter like that.

If anyone wants to "ha-haa!" about it, feel free; hell I have once or twice when I end up sharing this story; but it does make me wonder what influences this has had on me. Is this why I prefer dominant (eventually leading to sub) women? Was this encounter why I've had two michelles, one melinda,one missy, one misty, and one mary (subliminally connected to any M-names? one lover mentioned that once, and ever since I can't get the idea out of my head, as stupid as it sounds). Is this why I'm so weird to handle in relationships? Is that why I'm so weird and out-there sexually? Since then I've been afraid of being a pervert; and by that I mean a bad pervert! A bad pervert is someone that freaks out a girl when she sees you spying on her, a good pervert is someone that the girl will say "awww, here let me show you mine! You silly perv!"

EDIT: Shortened it a bit, I get wordy as ****.

dedre dedre
31-35, M
5 Responses Feb 17, 2009

i was sixteen when i started dating this girl, We had engaged in intercouse when I was sixteen, she was fourteen, when we had finnished I felt guilty because I was unsure of wether or not I was doing something wrong morally by having sex, although at the time the legal age to have sex was fourteen in canada, I still felt guilty, also having paranoid schizophrenia a genetic disease in which you hallucinate the sound of voices talking to you and are extremely paranoid all the time I would begin to hear voices calling me a pervert and defiller some time after the incident, a couple of years had gone by when I visited this same girl and we engaged in sexual activity again this time she began to pleasure me orally, I began to feel guilty and scared I was commiting an abomination and told her to stop, she ignored me and continued, I then forcefully tried to stop her and failed to exert superior physical control over her actions, I then realized I was being raped and that there was really nothing I could do about it short of hurting her physically, at the time I didnt understand why she would be unwilling to take no for an answer verbaly and was not responsive to my physical reaction of trying to forceably stop her from continuing to 'pleasure" me, but now realize it was my own lack of self control in being able to stop myself from having an erection, that may have convinced her that if I was hard physically I must still be aroused, and want it , when in fact I was paralized in a feeling of helplessness of what was actually happening, this feeling continued until I unwillingly had an ******, then she stopped, I still feel guilty every time I have an ****** till this day, I am now 25.

To me that sounds at least like sexual assault. I'm really sorry that happened to you, and I would bet it did have an impact on you. <br />
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Women do these things, contrary to popular belief.

That is a pretty far out story and she sounds pretty cruel. It amazes me to think that fetishes come about from our young experiences with sex. The human mind is fascinating. Thanks for sharing this.

oh the mistakes that message sends me singer!!<br />
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Nah, like anyone who takes a serious interest in my mental integrity, I just tell them "nah, If I can survive the gauntlet of my first love (which consisted of 7 years of her 'beating around the bush'), I can survive you, I can survive this, don't worry about me, I'll be bruised and battered, but I will...well hopefully and eventually....learn from this.

Awwww...I am so sorry that happened to you....No one....Male or female needs to be treated like that....And then after getting you all hard....Telling you that you were just a kid....and then walk away from you...That makes it even worse.....<br />
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Come and lay your head on Nana's shoulder....No pressure...Only if you want to that is....