Confronting Him

You know, a lot of people remember the important things in life. Birth of their kids, wedding day, graudation day, ect. I have a hard time remembering all those things. I always thought it was cause I smoke a lot of weed. But either way I have a hard time remebering things. But I remember the day they raped me like it was yesterday. I had horrible, vivid nightmares for a long time.

I was 17. Young and free. We had been fighting. ****, the relationship was almost over. I was asserting my independence. Yes, I had been drinking and my mouth was bad when I was intoxicated. That is when he, lets call him T, pulled into the parking lot where me and my girlfriends had been hanging out. T, with his two friends, S and M. Immedietly, the fight was on again. I was talking bad to him and I wasn't listening. I was cute and he could be replaced, I was too supermodel bad for this crap. He was pissed at my arrogance and he noticed I wasn't listening. That's when he threw his drink on me. I was pissed. I was walking away when M runs up to me. "He's sorry, he didn't mean it, he just loves you so much, blah, blah, blah... He has paper towel and is helping me wipe off but the night is runined and so is my cute sexy outfit (that I had just got). The liquor was making me sticky. Now, I just wanna go home. S convinces me that they will take me home. So like a dummy, I get in the car. But I am not setting up front with T. He's lucky I don't smack him. So T and M are in the front. Me and S are in the back. He is still helping me wipe off. I am pissed and tell him I have got it but he hasn't stop rubbing the paper towel across my chest. I tell him again I got it.

I will never EVER forget the change in his face. It was almost comical. If it had not been real I may have laughed but it was. S got really forceful and went from helpful to violating me. He began to rub on my breast. I pushed him away. He came back with so much force it startled me. He grabbed at my legs while pushing me sideways. He was trying to push me from a sitting position to a laying down position. Alarm bells were ringing loudly. Now I am fighting and that is when I saw it. The short cut sawed off shot gun. S aimed it squarely at my head. What I remember most is the safety swinging back and forth. Obviously not attached to the gun. I looked at him again. A totally diffrent person from the one I had hung out with, drank with, chilled with, talked to about me and T's problems. My friend, or so I thought, now looked like the devil. I knew his reputation. He was not a fake wanna-be-gangster. He was the real deal. I had seen him in action. I knew we were not playing a game.

Was this really gonna happen? No, of course not. T may be mad at me but he won't let this happen. By now I have been forced layed flat on my back in the back seat. My head behind the passanger seat. I can see him (T) clearly driving the car. He never even looked back at me. I feel S pushing my skirt up and my underware to the side. I could only watch as he released himself and pushed hard inside of me. I felt the first tear roll down my cheek. I turned my head and looked at the back of the passagner side seat for what seem liked forever. I tried to remove myself from my body but I felt ever thrust. I heard every moan excape his lips. I felt him as he grabbed my breast and suckled them violently and I finally felt him explode inside me. He got up and I also tried to move as he pushed me back down and said words I will never forget " M you want some of this". M was over the seat in a second. S still had the gun aimed at me. So once again I turned my head and watched the back of the seat as M entered me the same violent way. I just kept thinking they will be done with me in a moment and I am going stright to the police. M was done and T still driving the damn car as I cried. S got back on top of me and told me to stop crying. I did as I was told as I felt him enter me again. I no longer cared. He was gonna do it, I couldn't stop it and there was no one to help. I felt myself go numb. It didn't matter they were going to jail, I would see to that. When S was done this time he forced my mouth open as he jammed the shot gun down my throat. It's like S was reading my mind I heard him tell M and T "we gotta kill her" " she's gonna tell". I began to protest and beg. " I won't tell anybody, I swear" "Please just let me go, I promise, let me go you will never see me again". Finally T decided to speak up. They argued for a minute I noticed T had been driving me to my house, we were down the street. The argument continued and then we were all out of the car. T gets in front of me and tells me to walk. I am too scared, once I turn my back S WILL SHOOT ME! this I know. So T turns with me and walks a few steps behind me shielding me from S and his weapon. T walks me to the door. The door opens. I walk in he walks away. I never saw S or M again. I saw T the next day. I needed to know why he saved me from S but did not save me from the savage rape I had endured. I don't know why, I think I still was not convinced they were dangerous. I need to know if I would really go to the police. He was home with his mother. Surely I was safe. T threatened me, told me he would have my entire family killed and he attempted to physically assult me, banging my head into a wall. I believed him. I couldn't go to the police T was the least aggressive of the three. If they were not immedietly arreasted, I was good as dead. I would have to forget it ever happend.
That was my plan untill T went a tad psycho. Riding up and down my street, playing loud music to let me know he was there. He was stalking me. He threw a cinder block through my front window. I went into hiding. I still had not gone to the police in fear of retalation. I was scared of all of them. I stayed on the move, from one friend to another friend until T's actions finally died down. Some time had passed about a year, I heard they had been killed, gunned down. poetic justice. Life went on for me.
21 years later...
We all get friend request from pals we haven't seen in years. Such was the case about a week ago for me. I get a friend request on FaceBook from my girl Tara. Haven't seen her in years, of course I accepted. As in my nosey nature (we all do it LOL) I went throught her list of friends. There he was all grown up, S and T too... It was like when you ride a roller coaster and your stomach drops, there he was. WTF alive and well. Not only alive and well but he has "so-called" turned his life around. He is a motivational speaker and a book writer. Pictures of S and T together as adults. Both these MF are still alive. OMG. I was obsessed. I had to see everything. I researched all the social media I could find on him. I am getting sicker and sicker watching the person who ruined my life, help others improve theirs. AGAIN WTF!!!!! Don't get me wrong, I am accomplished in my own right and I overcame what they did to me but not without hardships. I am still unable to be part of a nurtureing relationship. I feel that day, I broke into two and I have never been able to fit the parts back together. I was only able to move on because I thought they were dead. Now here looking at him alive and well. All the pain, fear, memories of it all came flooding back. I am stronger now and I felt I needed to confront him, tyring to free myself from the pain. Maybe because I did it in a cowardly way, through social media or maybe becasue I KNOW this rape killed me inside, I confronted him but it didn not free me from the hurt. He appoligized but I do not feel any better. I'm not even sure I believe him. He says he dosen't remember but that is BS right? You can't forget abusing someones body and then shoving a gun in their mouth, right? I haven't thought about it in years. Now I can't stop thinking about it and the nightmares are back bright and vivid as ever. I now have an answer to my sexuality issues. I'm angry. Death was justice but what do I have now? I feel pathethic for not being able to let it go. I feel angry for not having my justice. I feel jeleous because he has a life he does not deserve. I feel wronged for all I have never been able to overcome while he seems to have "turned over a new leaf" - I never got that opportunity. If I don't do something with this it will destroy me.
jasmineshot jasmineshot
Dec 15, 2012