Still Have A Hard Time Believing.

I've never been able to talk to anyone about this, partially because when I try to, I blank. I can't remember what happened those years. It started when we were both very young, we were only 14 or 15. He told me he wanted us to have sex since we had been together almost a year and I said no. I told him I wasn't ready, but he would just say "Yes you are." One day I woke up to a text from him saying "If you don't agree to have sex with me I will rape you." All I did was say he wouldn't and then we moved on from that. I didn't leave because I thought he was the only person I had. After that, he started to rape me a lot of the time. Everytime we would hangout, actually. I couldn't relax with him ever again after it started because I knew it was coming everytime I was with him. He would hold me down from behind and I would try to get up and I told him I couldn't do it and keep saying "I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, please" but he never stopped. There are specific times that I remember clearly, we were in a dark room in his house one time and it was late and he wanted to have sex and I didn't want to, we were standing but he grabbed me from behind and kept trying to bend me over and I was trying to be quiet so his parents wouldn't hear, but still get him off, I was terrified, luckily that time his dad called him and he had to go. Another time, on Halloween, he was arguing with his friends. He took me down to his basement and he kept trying to pull my pants down and I said no and I didn't want to right now because everyone was upstairs waiting for us and he screamed at me to shut up. I always got a tight feeling in my chest when it happened. I just felt frozen, I couldn't talk or say anything other than "I can't" over and over. I did get back together with him about a year after being broken up. I thought he got better, which I know now he never will. He got worse, he would grab me by my neck and random times and I couldn't breathe. The last time he was at my house he raped me and I froze as I always did, but this time in my head I told myself "This is happening and it's real. So don't forget this time." And I haven't. And I never will. He ended up breaking up with me 2 days before prom, still expecting to go together. I told him no and he flipped out at me in the hallway at school. The prinicipal heard and told him to stay away from me. Now he is in my english class and I have to see him everyday. He has a new serious girlfriend and everyone loves him. Karma? I guess not. Thank you for reading my story.
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 22, 2013