Post
Experience Project iOS Android Apps | Download EP for your Mobile Device

Raped By My Brother

I was just a kid... I didn't know. 
I am 16 now
I have been told not to blame myself, but I still can't believe I didn't fight back.
It's not like being in trouble with my parents for taking my brother's stuffed animal without his permission would be a big problem...
It was the shame. I knew afterwards.. I thought.
He was five years older than me...
I've repressed it for possibly 8 or 10 years now so it's really painful and blurry
I still remember though
I remember him telling me to take off my clothes and "lay down flat" 
I remember him telling me it was "spending time together" I've always hated that phrase
I remember one time, when I thought it would all end
He had forced me into his room
Onto his bed
He was laying on top of me, crushing me
He heard my other brother coming up the stairs and quickly zipped up
As brother 2 came in, I said brother 1 had been trying to lay on me (I didn't say enough)
That was when brother 1 realized he had to shut me up
So he told me that he had become a christian and that he was sorry
but he wasn't
He did it again later
I was so stupid!!!
When I was 12 he actually did become a Christian, and he realized we had to tell our parents
He did
I went to bed that night hoping I would never wake up, I didn't want to see the shame on their faces or the knowledge that they would never think of  me  the same way. 
I woke up and my dad was sitting on my bed, telling me he loved me and that he knew. I went downstairs and my mom hugged me.
At first I felt really emotional, and then I got even more scared. I knew they would ask me questions. I had repressed so much after four years. 
My mom said I had to go to counseling, which I thought was stupid. It only made me angry. I went a few times and it was a wasted of my time. I didn't know how to describe myself. I was fine with who I was... I thought. But I had been carrying this secret with me for almost my entire life... I hadn't told a soul. Now only my parents knew, I think, I hope they never told anyone but the counselor. My sister had just become pregnant with her fiance, so I was really mad at her. I wouldn't talk to her, I couldn't talk to my brothers, because no matter how much I trusted brother 2, I knew he wouldn't understand. 
One day my best friend told me we had to tell each other everything about anything, because we were best friends. We had grown up together. So she told me in a jumble that she had been involved in sexual activity and had been suicidal, but that my brother (the one who raped me) had helped her and encouraged her back to God. I started to freeze; she said she had helped him too, that they had in common, but I didn't know if she knew about me. I was so scared to tell her, because as much as I love her, I didn't want her thinking of me as weak. I told her though, that I had been raped and that I had been suicidal, and that I had hated God so much for taking brother 3 away from my family (he was going into the military, sry I didn't mention him earlier, but he doesn't play into much.. I've never known him very well) but I was hateful towards God, and I cried and screamed, and then that day bro3 came home saying he couldn't go to the Marines. I was so happy, but it felt kind of like a slap in the face from God. He was saying that I didn't really trust him in all things. and I didn't. I told her everything except who I had been raped by. I had been almost conditioned by my therapist and my mother never to tell that, but it meant that I kept my chains. 
I went to camp this past summer, and Christ broke those chains.
He called out to me in one of the songs, and I knelt, but I didn't know what would happen; It was how He would introduce me to someone who would speak for Him; He told me that He loved me, that He was still there waiting for me. He said that I was special beyond my understanding. I still don't grasp how that is, but I'm waiting.
I talked to her later, and told her everything, including who. I knew I could, because this was God's place, and I needed to be free of that last link or I never would be.
She asked me why I would tell her and not my close friend from church, and I had no idea. It was so unusual. But she told me. God had sent me to her and not my buddy, because she (the girl I barely knew) knew how it was.
We talked and eventually she gave me some verses that I carry with me all the time. 
I know I'm healing, but there's still one thing I have so many questions about...
I have trouble trusting a lot of guys, but I do have some guy friends and I have a really big crush on one of bro3's best friends
I really want to be normal one day and get married and have a little baby girl named Melody.
I just don't want to hurt a guy in letting him know someone else got to me first 
and I really don't want the pain of someone rejecting me because of my past. 
I don't know if I would ever have the courage to tell a guy about my past.
Also, I have nightmares to this day. 
They stopped for about one summer, but they've come back
as a kid they were just violent
until about two years ago when I started having nightmares about being raped
They're still coming back, along with lots of dreams about people I know dying, mostly by murder
I don't know if ne1 knows some anti-nightmare remedy but it's getting to the point that I don't like sleeping/
celairiel celairiel 16-17 16 Responses Oct 14, 2011

Your Response

Cancel

My Mother is upset. He denied it with a hand on the bible. I told her he is lying and a coward. Then I asked, if I put my hand on the bible will you believe me. She paused and said well maybe I have to sop seeing both of you. I cried. She tried to console me.

I realize at a point that you have to move on through the horrific emotional pain.

I want to add you can't change what you don't acknowledge.

I want to call her tomorrow. If I do it will be only if I can bare possible emotional rejection. Something one never gets used to.

I had nightmares for years once my memories got clear. I can relate to your comment about hating sleep. Listen, you are not the cause of your sexual abuse; you are the victim. We don't have to feel shame but I do understand your struggle. Keep moving forward and share your experience, strength, and hope with those who truly understand. This is a healthy place to dump.

Take care,

I was ages 7 thru 9 when being molested by oldest brother. He snuck into my room late at night. I shared a room with a sister but she has no knowledge. My brother even molested me in the garage. I was in my early 30s when I had the waves of memories. I was hospitalized. Recently, I reported. Nothing yet happened. They just want to talk with him. He ran to our elderly mom and told some horrific lie. She said it didn't happen cause he said it didn't happen. She will not speak to me. My heart breaks cause I am so close with her ... I thought. These molesters are all the same. They are selfish cowards that can't grow up. I hate him. The icing on the cake is his kids and grandkids think he is a good man. He calls himself a Christian. Just makes me want to puke. SHAME ON HIM!! I know the truth.

you are in ur 30s and reporting to cops something that u think happened to u from age 7 to 9? Really? Causing your elderly mom that stress now isn't cool either.. Id have kept to myself, like I have all my life. Seems to me, you cant grow up. You should seek a professional psychiatrist.

I understand how you feel. When I was 12 I lived with my 18 year old brother. He started coming into my room and forcing me to take his manhood every night. After three months I was his sex slave. I remember the pain being unbearable. Forced to wear a collar like a dog, bring him beer, and perform oral on him every morning and drink his urine. I'm getting through it though, and one day I'll be free.

Me to. I'm 13 now. I don't remember anything but him on top of me. He would tell me go get naked. I think I was 6. Maybe 4. I haven't seen him since then. I see pictures of him when I'm going through old photos. I freak out. It scarred me. I've told a few people. I can trust them. I feel like if people knew they would treat me different. I see older men and get terrified. I can't trust them until I know them. I have 3 other brothers but they would never do that to me. I recently started to think about it a lot. Right now I'm crying because of it. I wish I knew better. But I know I was little so I had to idea what was going on.

I found this hard to **** it to

im so sorry... thanks for sharing.. your story is very inspiring. also to help with the nightmares you could try lucid dreaming. Its being mentally awake while your sleeping. a lot of people do it to fight their fears. because when you realize that you are in a dream, you can take control of the dream. look it up on Google or find a book on it.. whenever my dreams turn into nightmares i notice and i say to myself HEY im dreaming!! and then i fly up into the sky and tell the sun to come out (because most of my nightmares are at night) and then i fly through the clouds over the oceans ^_^ makes me happy

I wanted to comment on how to get rid of the nightmares and flashbacks of bad memories and have two suggestion that may help. One is find a support group through an abuse prevention network near you so that you can talk about it safely, because, paradoxically, the more you examine it in an unemotional setting where everything is confidential, the less you think about it (although it never leaves you completely). The other suggestion is to really find things to do that open up your creative side that will occupy your mind completely. Little by little the unpleasant memories are replaced by memories of the fun things you do. For me it is physical sports and painting watercolors and reading mystery novels.

Just remember everyone Jesus said eye has not seen ear has not heard the good things for those who wait for the Lord. Although you may not be looking or reading about the Lord. Remember that God did create us. He gave us free will. The fact we look for peace or solutions to our pain tells God we need Him.. He is here with us. Just because we can not see Him He sees us. One day we will see Him and our pain will be gone and we will have Him. Today I will pray to Jesus for everyone here. I know the pain, shame, the hidden mind thoughts we have. But remember God knows and sees it. I love you all and pray we see each other in heaven.

Listen, I'm right there, feeling for you. My stories are a bit different, but somewhat similar.<br />
<br />
The one you make me think of is actually my niece-in-law, My sister's husband's little girl from a previous marrage. Her brother molested her, then set it up for his friend to rape her. I got so upset when I heard about it. I knew these people when they were kids and it tears my heart out to think that she had to go through something like that. So yeah, It always sticks with you, yeah it affects those close to you, but remember, you always will have a friend to talk to you here.

Well i went through something similar. The same exact story with brother 1 for years (6/7-9/10) and brother2 knew. He told my parents. Brother 2 followed brother's 1 steps and did the exact same thing to me. Anyways i got over it. Still live whit these people to this day. My mom &dad knew. Anyways my mom went to her country for 2 months. (I was about 11/12) I had to take care of my two year old sister. I stayed home all those days. Little by little my dad stated doing the same exact thing. I tried to fight it off but i couldn't. And i WOULDN'T leave because of my two year old sister. The only reason it wasn't as frequent was because brother 3 was in kindergarten and came home around 2-3 pm. My dad took days off from work just to harm me. Well i got over it (I thought) We moved again. Those two months forgotten.... I thought. Turns out my dad got into habit of molesting me and raping me. He had to keep on doing it. <br />
<br />
Well my dad cheated on my mom multiple times and they're separated now.Thank God.<br />
But that's not what hurts the MOST. No, my past could have been forgotten. The thing is, my mom knew..... All that time. But she didn't try anything in order to stop it. <br />
<br />
No, i never told anyone except my mom, dad, brother 1 and Brother 2(who know because they did it)<br />
<br />
Well im 14, going to 15 now. Brother 1 and brother 2 are still here. ..... Living with me.... One the same house, at times we sleep n the same bed too. I woke up the other day and brother 2 had his hand on my behind. I put it past me. Forgotten.<br />
<br />
My dad lives separably and his life sucks. I dont really wish any harm to brother 1, he was on drugs every singlee time. Brother 2 was young. My mom HAD to go on to her country. If she had never done that, my dad would still be here. And about my brothers, Idk, i mean they are her sons. She cant harm them. I know she still hates them for that but theyre still her kids, no mattter what... <br />
<br />
Point is, Karma got him, he's gonna die soon (hopefully) (My dad)<br />
<br />
No bad deed ever goes unpunished xP

Well i went through something similar. The same exact story with brother 1 for years (6/7-9/10) and brother2 knew. He told my parents. Brother 2 followed brother's 1 steps and did the exact same thing to me. Anyways i got over it. Still live whit these people to this day. My mom &dad knew. Anyways my mom went to her country for 2 months. (I was about 11/12) I had to take care of my two year old sister. I stayed home all those days. Little by little my dad stated doing the same exact thing. I tried to fight it off but i couldn't. And i WOULDN'T leave because of my two year old sister. The only reason it wasn't as frequent was because brother 3 was in kindergarten and came home around 2-3 pm. My dad took days off from work just to harm me. Well i got over it (I thought) We moved again. Those two months forgotten.... I thought. Turns out my dad got into habit of molesting me and raping me. He had to keep on doing it. <br />
<br />
Well my dad cheated on my mom multiple times and they're separated now.Thank God.<br />
But that's not what hurts the MOST. No, my past could have been forgotten. The thing is, my mom knew..... All that time. But she didn't try anything in order to stop it. <br />
<br />
No, i never told anyone except my mom, dad, brother 1 and Brother 2(who know because they did it)<br />
<br />
Well im 14, going to 15 now. Brother 1 and brother 2 are still here. ..... Living with me.... One the same house, at times we sleep n the same bed too. I woke up the other day and brother 2 had his hand on my behind. I put it past me. Forgotten.<br />
<br />
My dad lives separably and his life sucks. I dont really wish any harm to brother 1, he was on drugs every singlee time. Brother 2 was young. My mom HAD to go on to her country. If she had never done that, my dad would still be here. And about my brothers, Idk, i mean they are her sons. She cant harm them. I know she still hates them for that but theyre still her kids, no mattter what... <br />
<br />
Point is, Karma got him, he's gonna die soon (hopefully) (My dad)<br />
<br />
No bad deed ever goes unpunished xP

I went through some thing similar. I just turned 17. My cosin who my parents had adopted raped me I don't know how many times. I don't remember a lot but I have nightmares. My parents just found out after I told someone for the first time on a missions trip this summer. She told an adault and tha adult called my parents talked to them and made me tell them. My sidlings don't know yet. My parents were going to get me into counseling but the haven't and axiaty keeps me from talking to them about it. My biological brothers phisicly abuse me now. I don't know about God right now. I go to church and every one assumes I'm a Christian but I don't know I've never let him have my life. I want to talk to some one about it but again my anxiety keeps me from doing it.

Hi, i can really relate to your story, i was fostered because of my step grandfather abusing me, i was then adopted by the family only to be sexually abused by my step brother i told my adopted parents but would not believe, 15years later he decided to own up, but its 15 years too late because he would not own up at the time ive been treated different not accepted been told i like to destroy familys, i lost everything, but the worst thing is that now my adopted parents treat him as if nothing happened and they turn to me and say it takes 2 to do a thing and that i was old enough to say no!<br />
ive had to keep away from them all cause im affraid he might do it to my little girl, and my adopted mom says to me i wish you would forgive him, yeah ok maybe i can forgive but im not going to put my daughter in the way of him i don't trust him!!<br />
but he is laughing really he still has is family by his side

its easy to blame urself but you have to try and let it go and remember he was a child as well .But atleast he admitted it and said he was sorry right?

abno...