Raped By My BrotherI was just a kid... I didn't know.
I am 16 now
I have been told not to blame myself, but I still can't believe I didn't fight back.
It's not like being in trouble with my parents for taking my brother's stuffed animal without his permission would be a big problem...
It was the shame. I knew afterwards.. I thought.
He was five years older than me...
I've repressed it for possibly 8 or 10 years now so it's really painful and blurry
I still remember though
I remember him telling me to take off my clothes and "lay down flat"
I remember him telling me it was "spending time together" I've always hated that phrase
I remember one time, when I thought it would all end
He had forced me into his room
Onto his bed
He was laying on top of me, crushing me
He heard my other brother coming up the stairs and quickly zipped up
As brother 2 came in, I said brother 1 had been trying to lay on me (I didn't say enough)
That was when brother 1 realized he had to shut me up
So he told me that he had become a christian and that he was sorry
but he wasn't
He did it again later
I was so stupid!!!
When I was 12 he actually did become a Christian, and he realized we had to tell our parents
I went to bed that night hoping I would never wake up, I didn't want to see the shame on their faces or the knowledge that they would never think of me the same way.
I woke up and my dad was sitting on my bed, telling me he loved me and that he knew. I went downstairs and my mom hugged me.
At first I felt really emotional, and then I got even more scared. I knew they would ask me questions. I had repressed so much after four years.
My mom said I had to go to counseling, which I thought was stupid. It only made me angry. I went a few times and it was a wasted of my time. I didn't know how to describe myself. I was fine with who I was... I thought. But I had been carrying this secret with me for almost my entire life... I hadn't told a soul. Now only my parents knew, I think, I hope they never told anyone but the counselor. My sister had just become pregnant with her fiance, so I was really mad at her. I wouldn't talk to her, I couldn't talk to my brothers, because no matter how much I trusted brother 2, I knew he wouldn't understand.
One day my best friend told me we had to tell each other everything about anything, because we were best friends. We had grown up together. So she told me in a jumble that she had been involved in sexual activity and had been suicidal, but that my brother (the one who raped me) had helped her and encouraged her back to God. I started to freeze; she said she had helped him too, that they had in common, but I didn't know if she knew about me. I was so scared to tell her, because as much as I love her, I didn't want her thinking of me as weak. I told her though, that I had been raped and that I had been suicidal, and that I had hated God so much for taking brother 3 away from my family (he was going into the military, sry I didn't mention him earlier, but he doesn't play into much.. I've never known him very well) but I was hateful towards God, and I cried and screamed, and then that day bro3 came home saying he couldn't go to the Marines. I was so happy, but it felt kind of like a slap in the face from God. He was saying that I didn't really trust him in all things. and I didn't. I told her everything except who I had been raped by. I had been almost conditioned by my therapist and my mother never to tell that, but it meant that I kept my chains.
I went to camp this past summer, and Christ broke those chains.
He called out to me in one of the songs, and I knelt, but I didn't know what would happen; It was how He would introduce me to someone who would speak for Him; He told me that He loved me, that He was still there waiting for me. He said that I was special beyond my understanding. I still don't grasp how that is, but I'm waiting.
I talked to her later, and told her everything, including who. I knew I could, because this was God's place, and I needed to be free of that last link or I never would be.
She asked me why I would tell her and not my close friend from church, and I had no idea. It was so unusual. But she told me. God had sent me to her and not my buddy, because she (the girl I barely knew) knew how it was.
We talked and eventually she gave me some verses that I carry with me all the time.
I know I'm healing, but there's still one thing I have so many questions about...
I have trouble trusting a lot of guys, but I do have some guy friends and I have a really big crush on one of bro3's best friends
I really want to be normal one day and get married and have a little baby girl named Melody.
I just don't want to hurt a guy in letting him know someone else got to me first
and I really don't want the pain of someone rejecting me because of my past.
I don't know if I would ever have the courage to tell a guy about my past.
Also, I have nightmares to this day.
They stopped for about one summer, but they've come back
as a kid they were just violent
until about two years ago when I started having nightmares about being raped
They're still coming back, along with lots of dreams about people I know dying, mostly by murder
I don't know if ne1 knows some anti-nightmare remedy but it's getting to the point that I don't like sleeping/