I Lost My Virginity When I Was 5I'm 21 years old. I have a brother who is 5 years older than me.
I used to look up to him because he knew and could do so many things that I couldn't.
Nowadays I can barely sit next him without feeling scared and disgusted.
Here's what happened...
I was 5 and my brother was 10. We were the only ones home. He came into my room and said he wanted to try something interesting, but I was not to tell anyone. I was naturally curious and said okay. He then stuck his penis in me. I had no idea what he was doing and just felt that it was gross and not fun at all. Mom came home just then so he stopped, but made me promise that I wouldn't tell a single soul about it. I kept my word for a few days, but a week later when my brother was being mean to me, I tried to tell my mom about it just to get back on him. But before I could, he pinned me down on the floor and strangled me, saying through gritted teeth that he would kill me if I ever again try to tell her. My mom pulled him off right away, thinking that it was just a fight. My throat hurt pretty bad and I got his message. But because I was so young and naive at the time, I didn't get the seriousness of the incident and didn't put much thought into it. I just made sure that I never told anyone about it.
Another thing happened 3 years later when I was 8, and he was 13. Mom was out again and I was alone at home with my brother. He had just come back home from school and was still in his school uniform. He was lying on the couch and said that he was too tired to change his clothes. Trying to do good, I brought him his clothes. He then asked me to help him get out of his pants. I told him that he was being silly, but eager to help, I pulled his pants off for him. Just when I did, his underwear came off as well and his penis stuck out. He had an erection, but I didn't know what that was. I remember saying, 'Cool!! How do you do that?'. I can't remember what he said, but I remember that disgusting smirk he had on his face. He didn't really do anything to me that time, only made me promise not to tell anyone.
These incidents didn't affect me that much until I was 14. That was when I started having nightmares of getting chased by my brother
and forced to have sex. I guess even though I was really young, it somehow became a trauma and had been deeply engraved in me unconciously. Ever since I started having those nightmares, I haven't been able to act normally in front of my brother. I just don't want to have anything to do with him. I ignore him when he talks to him, I pretend he doesn't exist, I don't look at him, I try to stay away from him, I don't want to touch him, etc. What makes matters worse is that he doesn't get why I'm acting this way, and complains to my parents and relatives that I'm being rude and disrespectful to him!!! He acts all innocent and makes me look like the bad guy (Has he forgotten what he'd done to me, or does he think I don't remember? Who would forget something that they swore to themselves never to tell anyone in fear of their lives!! ). He's got them all on his side, and all my relatives think that it's just this teenage phase that I'm going through!! (Hello, I'm already 21 for Christ's sake!! I'm not a teenager!! ) I've tried telling my mom, but she already has so many things to worry about that I don't want to burden her even more. For the last 7 years, I've been having the same dream of screaming to my brother to back off, and waking up to realize that I had actually been screaming. I think I'm going crazy, and the things that are keeping me sane right now are my pets, but I feel scared even for them whenever my brother touches them.
Because of what he did to me, I haven't been able to build a strong relationship with anyone. Whenever I feel that someone likes me as more than a friend I get scared and push them away. I want to change but feel too scared to break down the walls that I've built around myself. I just don't know what to do... I don't have anyone to talk to... my mom thinks I'm being selfish, my older sister thinks I'm a weird, socially awkward kid...I'm all alone, I feel so worthless, I wish I could disappear...
Am I taking it too seriously? Would time eventually heal this pain?