I Lost My Virginity When I Was 5

I'm 21 years old. I have a brother who is 5 years older than me.
I used to look up to him because he knew and could do so many things that I couldn't.
Nowadays I can barely sit next him without feeling scared and disgusted.
Here's what happened...

I was 5 and my brother was 10. We were the only ones home. He came into my room and said he wanted to try something interesting, but I was not to tell anyone. I was naturally curious and said okay. He then stuck his penis in me. I had no idea what he was doing and just felt that it was gross and not fun at all. Mom came home just then so he stopped, but made me promise that I wouldn't tell a single soul about it. I kept my word for a few days, but a week later when my brother was being mean to me, I tried to tell my mom about it just to get back on him. But before I could, he pinned me down on the floor and strangled me, saying through gritted teeth that he would kill me if I ever again try to tell her. My mom pulled him off right away, thinking that it was just a fight. My throat hurt pretty bad and I got his message. But because I was so young and naive at the time, I didn't get the seriousness of the incident and didn't put much thought into it. I just made sure that I never told anyone about it.

Another thing happened 3 years later when I was 8, and he was 13. Mom was out again and I was alone at home with my brother. He had just come back home from school and was still in his school uniform. He was lying on the couch and said that he was too tired to change his clothes. Trying to do good, I brought him his clothes. He then asked me to help him get out of his pants. I told him that he was being silly, but eager to help, I pulled his pants off for him. Just when I did, his underwear came off as well and his penis stuck out. He had an erection, but I didn't know what that was. I remember saying, 'Cool!! How do you do that?'. I can't remember what he said, but I remember that disgusting smirk he had on his face. He didn't really do anything to me that time, only made me promise not to tell anyone.

These incidents didn't affect me that much until I was 14. That was when I started having nightmares of getting chased by my brother
and forced to have sex. I guess even though I was really young, it somehow became a trauma and had been deeply engraved in me unconciously. Ever since I started having those nightmares, I haven't been able to act normally in front of my brother. I just don't want to have anything to do with him. I ignore him when he talks to him, I pretend he doesn't exist, I don't look at him, I try to stay away from him, I don't want to touch him, etc. What makes matters worse is that he doesn't get why I'm acting this way, and complains to my parents and relatives that I'm being rude and disrespectful to him!!! He acts all innocent and makes me look like the bad guy (Has he forgotten what he'd done to me, or does he think I don't remember? Who would forget something that they swore to themselves never to tell anyone in fear of their lives!! ). He's got them all on his side, and all my relatives think that it's just this teenage phase that I'm going through!! (Hello, I'm already 21 for Christ's sake!! I'm not a teenager!! ) I've tried telling my mom, but she already has so many things to worry about that I don't want to burden her even more. For the last 7 years, I've been having the same dream of screaming to my brother to back off, and waking up to realize that I had actually been screaming. I think I'm going crazy, and the things that are keeping me sane right now are my pets, but I feel scared even for them whenever my brother touches them.

Because of what he did to me, I haven't been able to build a strong relationship with anyone. Whenever I feel that someone likes me as more than a friend I get scared and push them away. I want to change but feel too scared to break down the walls that I've built around myself. I just don't know what to do... I don't have anyone to talk to... my mom thinks I'm being selfish, my older sister thinks I'm a weird, socially awkward kid...I'm all alone, I feel so worthless, I wish I could disappear...   

Am I taking it too seriously? Would time eventually heal this pain?
wantingtogetout wantingtogetout
13 Responses May 12, 2012

Hmmm.... That sounds crazy.

Dude, you were both young, ridiculously young. Get some counseling and work through it. Neither of you knew better and that's the line.

Hi - thank you for having the courage of sharing this. You are very brave. I am really sorry for what happened to you. I would like to give you an advice: Please, go to therapy and treat this. Therapy will help you to live a better life and to heal these wounds. It will show you and give the answer of what to do. Your therapist wont tell you what to do, but you will find it in yourself. Meanwhile, please be strong, and keep living. You made a huge step - you are aware of how this situation affects your adulthood. Please, do not underestimate what happened. God Bless You.

I AM the brother so i got nothing to worry about. My sister on the other hand...

People are so sick. You are not crazy. I was raped by my older brother for 9 years. How I've managed to cope, I will never know. But I know it started getting better for me when I talked to someone about it. My husband was raped by his step father repeatedly. We both lean on each other for emotional support, and it helps.

I truly think that people who hurt others know exactly what they are doing. I don't agree with ando3 below one bit. Traumatic events get repressed, and it's not your fault that you have to deal with any of this! Your brother is no better than the people in jail who have gotten caught, and he was in the wrong and he KNEW it because he threatened you!

I hope you heal, and hope that your heart can one day trust another person and be close to them. You are not alone.

i think your brother knew what he was doing was wrong. But like you said about you not thinking anything of it till you were older. He probable not did not realizes at the time what exactly he was doing ment, or he most likey would not of done it. I would talk to him and maybe forgive him deepening on what he says when you talk to him!! I know it is easyer said then down, but letting those who care about you in to your heart is not so bad. Think do you want to end up only??? I would forgett what he did not you, but maybe move on? i am not being mean, just saying wjat i would do in your cases.

Something similar happened to me. I was four and my brother was around 12-13. Even after he moved out when I was fifteen, I continued to see him at least once a week. Carrying around that secret was literally killing me. The best thing I ever did was tell my parents what happened 10 months ago. I can't prosecute, but the rest of my family wants NOTHING to do with him anymore. YOU did nothing wrong. You've got to tell someone, and get your "brother" out of your life, or you'll never heal. But that's just my opinion.

Forgiven forget

it's good think i don't have a brother i hate guys

your story is almost exact to mine i was raped by my brother when i was 5 but he was 8 but when i was 10 he tried to do it again but that time i stopped him.. i had to see his face every day for years and then he moved out and my worries were gone but the memorise are still there..

As sad as I am that it happened to you it all, I'm so glad you stopped him the second time. That takes courage and strength and clearly you have a lot.

sorry i know you.as raped by friend of a bro.my bro dont know.rossco

My dear sister, i am very sad to hear ur story. May the creator of the worlds give u patience and peace in ur life.<br />
<br />
This is why we believe in the day of judgement, as in the Qurans translation it is mentioned "And whoever does an atom's weight of evil will see it." & "So whoever does an atom's weight of good will see it,". The creator of the universe will ask him, and punish him for his wrong doing.<br />
<br />
Therefore, we have this concept of female covering themself in Islam, this guards there modesty, and keep them away from evil eyes and sex hungry guys (cuz of the western messed up media and wrong role models).<br />
<br />
The only way to understand the purpose of life, it to read the final testament which is called the Quran, to believe in the One Almighty, and follow his book to live a clean & peaceful life. And it has been preserved by the creator himself, it talks about how to lead the complete life, and attain true peace.

I think you will always have those memories. I have a friend whose brother done the same things to her when she was very young and as she got older. she was told to keep quite and not tell anyone or she was gonna be killed. my friend and I was very close. when e was in 6th grade I sensed something wrong with her. I asked her and she just bursted in tears. she finally told me. she wanted her parents to know but she was scared. I told her parents. her brother being an adult went to jail for few years

I'm Glad you had the courage to Tell her parents. Either the parents Or the teachers at school Or the police etc etc......... Well done.................. :)

^ for sure!!