Trying To Move On

I was raped/molested by my brother a number of times during the ages of 8-12. At first I didn't understand what he was doing and he made it out to be a game that we were playing. He watched **** with me and "played" truth or dare to get me to do the things he wanted. I never told anyone what happened and It took a few years to realize what he did to me. When I finally understood I was to scared to tell him no because he has a history of violence and I didn't want him to hurt me. The last time that he raped me I told him I didn't want to do it anymore but he forced me to keep going no matter how many times I asked him to stop. After that last time though it never happened again. Things have obviously never been the same between us but I also know now that my brother has mental issues that keep him from controlling himself properly and making decisions. It is in no way an excuse but I feel like I'm torn in half being afraid and angry at him or wanting to forgive him because he's my brother and I love him. Being alone with him still scares me to this day but I've never told anyone WHO raped me. I never told my parents and the first time I told anyone was when I was 16 and it had been eating me alive from the inside. I've still only told about 4 people what happened to me and even then it has never been the full story. I feel like they can't completely understand but I don't want to tell anyone in my life that it was my brother because I know that it will ruin his life. We have never spoken about what happened and I would rather have him think that I repressed the memory. I needed to finally have my story heard, I'm 20 years old now and happier than I've ever been and I think this is my final step to letting go. But no matter how horrible my experiences may have been before I know that I can move on and be happier with help from those I love and hopefully my story will help someone else to realize it too.
NeverTold10 NeverTold10
18-21
Sep 22, 2012