My Story

My family always thought that boys were better and more important than girls.  Even though I was four years younger than my brother I still had to do so much more than he did.  He could do no wrong.  Even when he was failing out of school he could do no wrong.  When I was around 10 years old going on 11 he started to stare at me constantly.  I always knew what he wanted whenever he looked at me.  He always stood right outside my door while I changed and eventually ended up breaking my door so that it never was able to close all the way.  I used to hear the creaky floorboards from the hallway right outside my door as he shifted his weight.  When we were on vacation he used to stand on chairs outside of the windows to just stare in on me.  Some of my friends would see the way he looked at me and ask me about it.  Whenever my dad remarried my step-sister used to always find him standing over my bed in the middle of the night.  My mother would always leave me alone with him.  He always had to be my babysitter.  I usually had to do his laundry and do his dishes and take care of the house all the while he was violating me.  When I was thirteen he was babysitting me and attacked me.  He took off his shirt and I just blacked the rest out.  I remember everything up to that point.  I remember what was on the computer screen, I remember what I was wearing, I remember what I was wanting to eat for lunch that day, I remember the light pouring in through the dining room window.  I am so glad I blocked that part out, but I also blocked out so many things in my life now because of that.  IDuring high school, and even through college, I was severely and constantly depressed.  I thought I deserved every bit of what I got.  I told my mother what he was doing and that I had tried killing myself, but she just yelled at me.  I was being horrible for saying something like that, and I was just being mean.  My dad didn't believe me either, but he did not get mad at me for it he just thought I was lying.  I started hating my brother even being in the same room as me.  I hated knowing the fact that he was in the same house as me.  I felt like there was no way out.  When I was 17 I met an amazing guy who I am now marrying in the next couple months.  He saved me by letting me see that I was better than that.  My mother does not speak to me because everything that has happened to her and my brother is supposedly all my fault.  Sex is still an issue for me even almost a decade since everything happened.  I actually found an amazing, loving, completely wonderful man who loves me and has done everything in the world that he can for me, but sex is still an issue and is a touchy subject in our relationship.  It is actually the only thing we fight about.  I still feel wrong about sex even though I shouldn't.  I just can't seem to get past things.  Sometmes it is still completely overwhelming for me to deal with.  Sometimes I cannot get past it and it overteaks my feelings.  Things get a bit better, but it is still effecting me almost daily.  He will never know what he has taken from me, especially since he still denies everything.  I think he believes himself now.  I am very afraid of what will happen after my mother dies and he is left with nothing.  I am so afraid of what he will do to me again.  Don't loose hope though.  There is goodness in the world still.

shedidntdoanything shedidntdoanything
2 Responses Mar 19, 2010

Add a response...

Hon, I hope you will seek therapy. Your relationships will suffer, if you don't. Your parents will have to deal with their role in all of this in due time. They will always have it on their shoulders. You are now a grown woman and you need to allow yourself to heal. You cant' change your parents, you can't throw your brother in jail, but you can get the best revenge by moving forward in your life. Your brother is a predator and you can let him know that. GFB if he has any lil' girls. Trust me, you probably werent his only victim. Peace to you!