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I Was Raped By My Husband

I am a greatful survivor of marital rape. I didn't call the cops because back in 1986 they never prosecuted marital rape. If you have questions for me please feel free to ask me!!
Paige42986 Paige42986 46-50, F 12 Responses Apr 13, 2011

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You did not get raped by your husband

in some cultures, a husband can't "rape" his wife. The wife is obligated to to agree. I have tried to "rape" my wife but was never successful because she want's sex all the time.

I was raped by my husband two years ago, He would not understand I had made promises to other people about our marital life and why it was felt, he needed to be controlled, Well I found he cared about only one promise I had made, he said it overrode every other promise, I asked when I made that promise and he said in a church in 1981. He was talking about our wedding. My promise to his father in 1985 about not allowing his son to be so happy at home he would want time off did no matter, The promise I made to go with his fathers best friend to a political fund raiser that evening made no difference. The only thing that my husband considered made a difference was, I had lived under his roof for 31 years, He had paid for my life for 31 years, and received nothing in return, as he said not even a cook or housekeeper.
Of course I tried to negotiate my way out of the very danger filled situation, I begged to let him chose a pace to meet after the event, I would have his fathers friend bring me there, and I would call his mother and father to get everything talked through, let everyone have their say, get things worked out for a future, and have everyone satisfied, my husband said except me. He then had his say he said that his was the only satisfaction to be met that night, I had a tiny bit to say and that was yes, and nobody else had a dam thing in it, he said he was done talking for more than a decade.
He started his advance with his cane in one hand and said that I was not going with his fathers friend or anyone else that evening, I owed a 31year note on our marriage and it was past due by many payments. I begged him please not like this after he ripped my dress off, He raped me begging cant we please talk it through. He did not listen.
That night was the start of my, his fathers and everyone else that ever interfered in his life, point of getting even, After my husband finished his fathers best friend was thrown off our porch with the intension of being put through his arriving fathers windshield, He required 23 stiches in his face, I went to clean up, cry and put a dressing gown on, I asked my mother in law how she could have raised a man that said he loved me at one time to do this, She said I know your marriage has been strained for a very long time. She asked why her son felt he had to do this. Over the two hours my husbands father was gone I told of the promises I made in 1985 the nessesity of them proved that day in 2013. I think she intended to knock my head off because when my hearing returned we had to go stop my husband from throwing his father off the porch. His mother nearly knocked his head off when he said they had to stop my husband before he became a bad problem. I think it was already far to late for that, my husband got into my journals and when I made an appointment to take to the womens advocate in the DAs office he had given her the scanned copies of my jornale. he did not deny he forced me. but she contacted me to come talk to her a few days later, she just about threw the pages of copies at me and said if she even tried to go to court the jury might carry my husband out on their shoulders, she said I would be lucky if I did not get time, for marital extortion. and fraud, his father and others including me got notified we could be charged with conspiracy to deny civil rights. and maintaining a indentured servant by threat and coersion.
When it was first started it was to get my husbands cooperating in keeping a low key approach to using seniority rights at work. It was meant to ease him back into society, But the idea was flawed, society liked were he was at and so did his father and his friends, That is until the slave rebelled, Started to hurt people, and now he does not care who wants cooperation, If I am invited someplace he just comes along and when we get there he just tells everyone if I am invited he is to. I know that many consider this to be the ultimate in arrogance, I just sit and wonder what things might have been like if he was just left to do as he wanted, if I had not made those promises. I have a feeing the body count might have been very high.

you should have put out .. it wouldn't have happened otherwise.

That was his right to do it

I always find these kind of comments by women puzzling. If things are that bad, then get out of the relationship. And frankly, I think that rape is a strong word for a sexual act between two married people. Regardless of the circumstances, marriage in itself implies some type of consent. Not total consent anytime you want it day or night consent, but yet some type of consent goes hand in hand with the notion of fidelity, which is the heart and soul of unity through marriage. It's simply not the same thing as being attacked by total strangers while walking to your car late at night. It seems like there are some deeper issues at work, like a lack of communication, a lack of trust, and denial. This is one issue where I feel like women are conveniently putting all the blame on the man. When it is more likely that the rape happened as a result of a deeply dysfunctional relationship, for which both parties are responsible for either fixing the issues or leaving the marriage. Aside from some external problem like drug addiction, this sort of thing just doesn't occur in a relationship between two people who love and care for each other very much. And if you really get down to the nuts and bolts of it, no one wants to say it, but everyone knows that all it really comes down to is you had sex with your husband 1 more time during the marriage than you wanted to. I totally understand the emotional aspect of it and sense of betrayal, but it's not really rape until the 2nd time, and any woman who stays for a 2nd helping is enabling abuse to continue in relationship that is beyond repair.

Hi Paige42986,
My ex-husband used to do the same thing to me but without the meds. I would have to have sex with him in order for him to pay our bills, buy food or to prevent him from going out.

I remember back when we were first together I loved making love to my husband and cherished him. I don't know how we got to the point of rape but that left me depressed and struggling day to day just to survive living under the same roof with him. God bless you for still being alive and trying to pick up the pieces. I know it isn't easy.

Every day I have to remind myself that i am blessed to be alive

People say I should have divorced my husband, It might have solve his problem if I had. I stayed to keep him from causing problems with his seniority vat work and things got totally out of hand after a brain surgery in 2001. I realized the instant he woke up things had changed, his eyes were sharp and clear. Even though some of his memory was gone, A few months latter after regaining his strength, after promising I would start being a wife as he expected if he would back off using his time to take a new job. Putting the son of his fathers best friend on what was considered the worst job in the plant.
His fathers best friend was slated to run for congress the next year and needed his sons and daughter to be free at any point for pictures, family appearances, and other things to help in his run, My husband told his father he thought his friend a poor servant of the people, and did not care if he even made it to the ballot, In other words my husband intended to take this job come hell or high water. He told me to please drop dead so he could find a new wife. I told his father my promise to make a real married life for my husband had faild to make any difference, So I was told my husband was to be given a lesson as to what his place was, He was going to take his name off the bid one way or another. I was told I could call the police if things became to rough for his son but he was a big boy and a little roughing up would give him a better attitude,
The next morning O dead bolted the door and four men came up on the porch. They told him he was removing his name peacefully or be dragged in to do it. My husbands answer was they could go to hell, when they attacked him he sent them there with many broken bones contusions and injuries so bad they will never recover. It forced his fathers best friend to drop his run, to take care of his son.
Since then there has not been one day when my husband would willingly cooperate. I waved my white flag two years ago. When my husband raped me and made me pregnant. I did not realize I was until it was to late to abort.
The last two years my husband has been tearing apart any thing his father, me, our friends consider tradition in holidays and vacations by including himself, the last vacation ended before it began when his father decided everyone had endured to much in bad manners and showed up at our hotel room door screaming my husband had taken the last right he was going to take and stop being so mannerless, My husband ansred the door to tell him to sober up and he came in swinging , My husbands retaliation was an uppercut to his father hard enough to break his neck. It cripp[ed his father worse than he was crippled five years ago by MRSA in his spine.
Every thing that had happened in the last 33 years is now destroyed, I have a 15 month old son to raise. His father is starting his rehab trying to get anyone to listen too the reasons we tried this control.
My husbands mother and even mine say we deserved my husbands retaliation, I write to try and think where things went so totally off the rail.
The last two years we have lived in a place I never imagined. There have been several incedents when somebody drove out here my husband has met them hidden by the area holding a 30-39 on them making them get out without weapons. I don't know what to do any more except have my husband do as he wishes.

I am so sorry to hear about what he is doing to you! All I can say is leave because he will hurt you badly! Go to a shelter now because they can protect you! And two get a protection order because that way if he contacts you or has anybody contact you he will be in jail! i know why stay but you shouldn't because you so deserve to have a wonderful life!

I wanted to leave after this springs terror with my husbands father, I came back the same day because we were not allowed to board, His father went into surgery to get his neck fused, and I was going to take my son and run, My husband got a court order and it said that since I was Bi Polar with out any means of support. I could leave but our son stayed with my husband. My friends all dropped me until there was something done about my husband taking his rights with every facet of his life, He refuses any negotiation. for anything he wants in his life he feels if he has a right to it he is going to take that right. and god help any one that tried to interfere. Manners he looks at as the instrument to keep him as a slave. I never thought of him as my slave but the charges that can be bought against us include marital extortion and fraud on a state level. and it goes into federal charges that include conspiracy to deny civil rights. Maintaining an indentured servant through the use of armed intimidation. Coersion, and even threat. The ADA told me that My husband had raped me once, She then asked me how many times had my husband been raped since 1985. She said as far as she could tell by my own journals I had raped my husband of his lively hood, his pride, his life. She said this week that what was done to my husband with everyone turning a blind eye to his plight, was not only censurable but criminal. His father said all my husband had to do if he did not like his treatment was to go back to the military and vanish, I would have been married again within a year, She looked at both of us and asked who we thought we were, Gods that had a right to make life decisions like that we did not have that right, She said she hopes my husband presses the charges. she can't think of a more deserving group to be incarcerated. I have to sit here in hopes my husband does not do this. the statutes will run out in never. since some of them involve the word kidnapping. and slavery.

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Sorry to hear about your ordeal,

My husband sodomized me while I was out on Ambien. What a great guy, huh? I have the police report and am considering putting it around town as he's known all over. Wonder how all the people who love him would see that?

I feel so bad I was raped a little over a year ago by my boyfriend and his friend feel free to read my story I hope eventually you got over it and it you wouldn't mind If you did would you tell me how long it takes to get over the rape

Yeah in my stupid state it wasn't even considered rape until 2005ish. No really a husband couldn't be accused of raping his wife, sometimes even somewhat violently until that law change. I am sick of this place ...

yeah in 1986 there was no law here against marital rape. The old ***** of a dinosaur cop told me I should go home and do my wifely duty!

The last two years I talked to a DA, He sent woman's advocate out to speak with me and my husbands father. She sat down across from us and asked us what we wanted done with my husband. That's when she told us that she hoped we liked serving just as much time or in actuality much more than he would serve if he was given time at all.
She told me that the way my husband had been treated by both myself and his father was reprehensable she said that my husband when we married in 1981 had a reasonable expectation of sex, a family, the other things he should never have been blackmailed and forced into when he returned from the navy in 1985, she said that first he was abused in the military for the needs of the navy, then he came home to our abusing his rights, first through, me blackmailing him with the promise of sex if he would just not take the rights he was due, then when that stopped working. We started using a combination of threat and blackmail to get his cooperation, It was not about me not wanting sex with my husband, It was just trying to keep those in society from getting angry and trying to take on a man, that has had intensive combat arts training and his disrupting everyone. Sex denial worked the first 16 years after his return home.
In 2001 I feel he chose a target, one he knew would draw the most screams from his father, The son of his best friend, and the county commissioners son. He was in social circles, my husband called him the cocain brained princeling, who was worth less than the dirt under his own feet. He took a new job in a bid by seniority he knew the younger man wanted, my husband knew that his father and others wanted the younger man to get the job also, I even went to my husband and offered to normalize our marriage bed and help get his father and other people off his back about holidays and vacations.
We had thought with the brain surgery four months in the past had left my husband weakened, not fully with his memories, and he would readly accept these terms once again, He did not, that night I observed the deadly way my husband could bring his fists, feet, elbows and body into a fight. He turned our front porch into a blood bath taking on four men, The son of his fathers best friend was one of the two that was nearly killed in that fight, my husband took the job, and his father and others decided if he was going to defy the society we lived in that way he was going to be forced to do as he was told even if he had to be intimidated with firearms. His father still says he was given one simple instruction for his life, shut up, and just do as he was told that would make it easy on everyone including my husband, That night his father was crying was a job worth what happened, if he had just backed down nobody would have been hurt.
From that day to today its turned into a total war and decade and a half of defiance from my husband to me, his father, and the people I call our friends but my husband calls sponges. It came to my husband raping me In February 2013, his fathers friend being thrown off our front porch. Two men that dared to hold pistols on my husband to back him off letting me go someplace he was not invited to having their faces laid open to the jawbone. He caught them by surprise after we left him unharmed on our porch and did not give them a chance to pull pistols out. And then his father who has been nothing but trying to regain control of our life lost totally when my husband and his father came to blows over holidays and vacations over who had the right to decide who was going to attend them, his father the first time got his jaw broken, this last time his father lost all ability to walk ever again after his son broke his neck, and that is the saddest part of this, for want of keeping my husbands cooperation we don't have it period, he just breaks people up.
I told my husband it might not have happened like it did if he was just willing to listen to the needs of other people, it was better to serve sugar than the vinegar he choose, He said and how much longer would I have had to wait, until I was creamated. I thought it might have been better than the hell served us.

Wow Paige I am so sorry you had to deal with such a horrible experience.I hope you have healed or at least have delt with it best you can.I feel for you,glad you are on EP now and hope we chat too.