My Deep Dark Secret

I've been meaning to write this story and to make it a part of my profile. But my sister is here and knows my username.

I have shared this story before, through an anonymous confession and a story I later deleted. I get scared at the possibility that someone who knows me in real life reads it. But I think it is time it should be made part of my stories list, even though it is anon. After all, this experience affected how I behaved and how I felt for at least the first ten years of my life subsequent to it. Whether I will ever own this story, I don't know. Maybe.

In 2010, I wrote a confession entitled 'My Deep Dark Secret'. Here it is:

I have been raped when I was maybe six years old by my ten year old cousin. I did not even realize it at that time. All I knew was that he just did something bad.

I was a kid and my Mom and I visited her brother's house, which coincidentally is right next door. My Mom was talking with my cousin's mother downstairs, so being the kid that I was, I went upstairs to find anything interesting.

I found my two male cousins with towels around their waist as they probably just took a bath. They were grinning. I don't remember what happened to my older cousin but the younger one beckoned me to lie down on the bed. I obediently followed.

He then removed his towel and pushed his thing between my legs and asking at the same time whether it is pleasurable. I don't remember how it felt, I probably felt nothing. I knew he did something wrong though and I instinctively ran downstairs. I don't remember whether my mother was still there in the living room but she never found out. No one knows until this confession.

For years, I felt dirty and I did not even know why. Well, I have a vague feeling that it had something to do with what he did. And now that I am much older, I finally understand what he did to me.

It hurts.

I cannot reveal this to my family.


Since this confession, I have read a lot of stories similar to mine and vented once in a while about it. It felt like a scar.

Last year, I told my sister what happened to me. Her first reaction was to tell my mother. However,  I told her not to divulge it to anyone. I felt like it happened too long ago and nothing can be had if our parents should know. It will only break their hearts and create complications.

I know my profile will show that I have joined this group. But at least they won't see my story.

Sometimes, I wonder. Will I really carry this secret to my grave?
An Ep User An EP User
2 Responses Dec 6, 2012

Whoever Hughjass9111 is, is giving you advice that clearly reflects a poor understanding of what you wrote. And it is incredibly generic advice showing zero mindful thinking about what they are saying. You clearly know whether or not it is a good decision to tell your parents. You have lived in the world and are able to arrive at the conclusions that suit your worldview, your life experience, your instincts. So, on behalf of rationality, I apologize that your first commenter felt they could somehow impart great wisdom upon you.

I don't mean to intrude, but telling your parents will be the best thing. They'll know what to do and they'll help you. I hope you take this into consideration.