I Was Too Young.

It started when I was about 6 to 8 my dad started touching me whenever my mom would leave on a dog show or head to work. I didn't know it was bad I didn't know what child molestation was all I knew was that it was weird, some point in the years of this happening my dad raped me I can't even recall when I lost my virginity, which is a godsend because no one really wants to remember such a horrible thing. All I know is that I can never give it to the person I will come to love. He had sex again with me when I was 11 thats when I started to understand what was happening. I told my cousins and aunt but I didn't want anyone eles to know it was my shame and I didn't want my family to be horrified. I couldn't let my sister know what was happening because it would have destroyed her, and if i was broken I didn't want her to be. I finally told my mom when I was 13 she took me to the gynocologist and just as I knew it was show, my hymen wasn't intact.The docter told my mom that kids who run around outside and play hard can rip their hymen. So their I was without proof and truly sad, my heart wanted to break when my mom ended up saying to me that I must have been dreaming, like obviously I knew what my father's **** looked like and of course I must know what sex is all about and must really want to dream about it at 13. I knew from that moment that she didn't believe me. I went on through my life depressed and angry. I never fit in with kids at school, I yelled a lot and all I ever wanted to do was hide in my room, on the internet and not interact with anyone. They divorced about 3 years after I told her. She ended up going to friend's houses for a week at a time, she would go to work everyday but than just go back to the friends house after. I was left at home in an apartment with my year and a half older sister. We would make what ever we could to eat. One week it was macaroni that started out with milk and butter, but by the end on the week it was just water, pasta and the mixing cheese. My mom would come home and hide in the bathroom, sitting in her bathtub ignoring us. She was in depression from the divorce, this was not how she wanted or expected her life to go. I never really cried out my feelings. My sister would have many moments where she would shutdown and just bawl her heart out, but I couldn't I had to take care of her and my mother. At 16 I felt more like a protector than I ever did a person. I would bug and bug my mother for money to go food shopping while she was home. I knew that if I didn't than I would have to steal food from the McDonalds I worked for when she would disappear. My life for the better part of a decade wasn't glamours, I always hated those girls in school with the new clothes, backpacks, the cool color pens. I went to school in clothes I had from when I was 12. I wore dull, thin, hole riddle clothes and I was content with it. I did whatever I could to keep my family together and happy. My sister and mother were my responsiblilty, not me theirs. I went through my whole highschool years a loner, loser, *****, and outcast. I wasn't dressed fancy enough to make them like me. I was to hard and brutally honest so I didn't fit into the whole "were gonna find the perfect man and have a great life with no worries and all the money we will ever need". I could see a head into the world we were going to be chucked into on graduation day, but they couldn't. Now I'm in college my sister is too she has a job, my mother is living life again and not hiding in a shell. I can be by my father and visit with him without wanting to gut him. I used to always beg an unknown entity to just left me start over again, I just wanted a different childhood, a better chance at life without the rape and molestation, without the divorce, without the depressive urges and attempts at suicide I deal with, but not I just say one thing when I think of those times. There is a rape victim in me, there is a stolen childhood, and emotionally unbalance teen, a fierce protector, a lonely woman, and a many more people inside of me. I have my past on my wrist and in my mind. I am who I am now, no one is going to change it for me. I would have loved for a due over but it is never going to happen and now I don't want it. I am who I am because of what things happened to me and I don't want to be changed. I'm never again going to pretended to be the person you want to see I am me and I will never change who I am for you. I am me and I love me the way I am.

ForgottenFuture ForgottenFuture
18-21, F
4 Responses Mar 14, 2010

Your strong and were very wise as a child beyond your age. Not alot of people handle the situation you went through very well. I'm so sorry that happened to you, but know your not alone a lot of children went through the same thing you went through.

I am so sorry that this happened to you. Remember you aren't alone. It helps to talk about your problem... and this in itself does a massive help in the process. No one can ever tell you or force you to forget about this and move on. It's hard to live in peace when something this tragic had happened to you. If you ever feel angry and have no one to talk to. A great way to take out you anger is drink some wine and throw a bunch of cheap plates (one's that'll break) at a tree. I know it sounds restarted and stupid... but it DOES help.

It's good to be able to tell someone. You're story may inspire MANY people. I'm not saying that your story is just for publicity because some might see it that way but I'm not. I hope you can go about your life peacefully. No nightmares, no flashbacks and hopefully nothing like this again. There's always someone behind you. Someone that'll catch you just before you fall. Find that person and never let them go. Good Luck! x

Sorry you had such a bad problem with the beginning of your life. now that is past you ,thank god.

Now that is past, many people including myself have had it rough, if I was near you I would hug you , over 50% of families devorce and mess up there children's lives, (because I have always done the wrong thing in my life ,hugging you , would probably not be what you would like, but that is how I feel at this moment)

now the sex part , well that could be a negative and or a positive depending how it happened,like if it was in a loving way or not loving way , you know sex really has no meaning, other peoples attitude also has no meaning, which you will find out when you get older, only young people have problems with it , but when you are at the end , non of it has any meaning , please live like this is the beginning and the end of your life because in reality it is the beginning and the end of everyone's life's

With all my love mike

im sorry for wat u went tru but i know how it feels to be hopeless. i been tru that before but thank god i never got raped. im here for u my myspace and facebook is veronica_aidamil14@yahoo.com and my yahoo is veronica_aidamil@yahoo.com