My First Remembered Time...hi. altho the first time i had sex isn't very clear, i know it must have happened in my crib because i can vividly remember certain parts of it, just not very much. i mostly remember hearing the gate being lowered and the feel of hands over my body. at some point i was given other things to suck on besides my bottle but my brain just cant remember the details of it. i remember the smell and feeling of being suffocated and not being able to breathe. i imagine he would hold my nose shut to make me swallow, but i more remember the smell then the taste. i didnt remember the taste until jimmy.....
"hi. what you doin today?". "nuthin". "wanna *** check out my new fort?" "k". it only took about 5 minutes to hike over the top of the hill in the back woods behind our parents houses till we went 2 yards further then i'd ever been before. "this way". when we got there, it was perfect. just an old, semi painted green shack in a back yard. inside, he had some magazines. he had them under an old cot that was there with a kinda stinky matress. i barely remember the place but i can still smell the air. i was about 7 and he was 8 or so. "ever seen this before" he asked, showing me pages and pages of naked women. i remember them specificly, and also that i had no idea what i was looking at. "never seen a girlscunt before?" he asked me. "sure" i lied... not really impressed. another page turned and there was a man with his peter out and she was touching it. as soon as i saw it, i know just what it was. i knew the smell and feel of it, altho somehow the one i remembered was smaller. he turned the page and i turned it back. i dont know why, but my mouth was watering.
almost as if he knew, he pulled out his peter. " does yours get big like mine when you look at this?", i was trying now to hide my interest in the man in the book. "yea, it is now" i peeped. jimmy reached over and grabbed my crotch. i started to back off, but something kept me from moving. he just fondeled me and took my hand and put it on his. i remember feeling it and it was like 5 times bigger then mine. "show me yours." he said, looking me straight in the eye. "uh huh" was all that came out. before i knew it, we both had our pants down and were touching each other looking at the book. i thought i heard my mom call so i said i had to go, put my stuff away and left. so many feelings were apon me now. i still couldn't connect this with my memories, but somehow i knew there was more going on. a few hours later i was back at the fort alone, looking for the book. i remember finding it and going straight back to the picture of the man. i looked for more but it was an old hustler with pages missing and only had a few other guys, mostly girls which i kinda found disgusting. i was feeling my **** through my pants, looking at the man when i heard jimmy and turned around. "back so soon?" he asked me. i dont remember every detail, but before long, he had me sucking his ****. over the next weeks, he was placing posters of girls over me, trying to do me up the butt. i didnt like that he had to put a fold out over me but i dealt with it. "here, i wanna do like this, lay down" he said, showing me the guy on top of the girl face down. he had a hole where her ***** was that he stuk his **** thru to get into my ***. he used spit and i could feel his thing poking my rear. it was uncomfortable but it didnt hurt as he was just sliding up and down my crack, which was all i thought was going to happen. then he said " this might hurt for a second but it wall stop so be prepared". i didnt know what to expect and then all of a sudden my butthole was on fire. i started screaming and he was ready as his hands instantly covered my mouth hard as he pressed even harder down into me. "get it out, get off, get..." and he pushed harder on my head, pushing my face into this old, half moldy matress. the tears were streaming now and i quietly cried while he shoved it in deeper. after a while it didnt hurt so much and he did it another minute then got off of me. i remember his wicked smile. "someday you will thank me for that" he said. i didnt really trust him after that, but he was like my only friend at the time. he offered to suck my **** to make up for it, which is about the only time he really sucked me for any length of time. almost 5 minutes. i think he wanted to cement himself as my hero for taking my virginity and blowing me to get me hooked. whatever his plan, it worked. for the next 12 years, i was his "female dog". the only time after that that he did anything that i both hated and remembered from before was one time i was sucking him in the celler at my moms. a sand floor. i was on my knees, ******* off as i blew him, which had become our norm. this time he came before i was ready and he started to pull out. i am very seldom dominant but i didnt want him to leave just yet, so i put my left arm around him so he couldn't leave. this, aparantly irritated him but instead of leaving anyways, he took ahold of my head while i sucked him, something i kinda always liked but i dont know why. then, he started ******* again, but just a little bit. and it was runny. i swallowed. then another mouthful appeared slowly and i swallowed again, but now it was kind of salty. just then, i looked up and saw his evil grin again as he began to squirt pee in my mouth. i began to choke and tried to pull back but he grabbed my head even harder. "you wanted it, so here, finish you little faggit" and he started pssing down my throat. now im freakin pissed, im almost on my nut and he is ruining it for me. i start to scream and shove him but he is strong, smaks me in the side of the head and lets me go, ******* into my face as i am on the ground trying to get up. he's laughing at me now and i hear footspeps upstairs. he sees im really pissed off now and it amuses him as he pulls his pants up and heads for the door. i am soaked now, humiliated, and my mom is calling for me, heading down the stairs. he just takes off out the door into the woods and i am right behind him, only because i dont want my mom to see me like this. i run halfway to his house, half running after him to try and punch him which i know won't happen, but mostly to get away so i dont get found half wet in a way i could never explain. Jim took off and i was out in the woods, cold and wet for a few hours waiting to sneak back into the celler and clean up. i was a mess more inside then outside. why did he do that to me" why did i like it? why did it seem so familliar to me? will he ever let me suck him again? so many things in a 9 year old's head.
it was only a year or so earlier my ol man had been arrested for making child **** with my baby sister and so many others, but i never remembered any of it. i was never even told why he was arrested, let alone any details and i find it funny to this day that no one ever asked me if i had remembered anything. i never knew. but then, i never knew that i was only half of a person. the other half didn't "wake up" until i was 17 when my sister started telling me why my father was still in prison. it came flodding back so fast i barely even knew i was steering my moms 75 dodge dart into the trees at 70 mph on her side of the road. i only remember taking off the passenger side mirror saying if she ever said anything like that to me again there would be nothing left of either of us. i still can't remember her words, but i remember her saying all the things my ol man used to do with me alone during our special time that i had never even remembred, like it was a totally different life of a totally different person. the feeling of suffocation came back. the taste of urine as i drank from my bottle, the smell of alcohol on a breath, i dont know how i didnt go insane all at once right there. then the bath games, were they real too or did i just imagine them? at 42 years old, sometimes i wonder what life would have been like had i had a different father. surely i wouldn't have been friends with Jim had my old man not been in jail. Surely i would know what a "normal" dad and boy relationship would be like if it had only been.... different. today, i have no kids, no wife and no prospects of either. i have been a submissive half boy half man inbreed for so long i dont' know any differently. my day is guided by the **** that awakens my body every morning and my nights are filled with remorse over the boy that was and yet still isn't. so much for my first time, eh?