I Blame Myself.

I still blame myself for this incident. I have spoken to people about it and the majority are adament it is rape if somewhen has intercourse with you whilst you are asleep, others say it isn't and some say, 'if someone raped you whilst you were asleep, how could you possibly not wake up' ? Well, the offender was my ex boyfriend which makes it even worse than if it was a stranger in a way because I blame myself more. Because I am their partner, stories could easily be misinterpretated. I feel very lonely and confused even though I dont remember it but I sure as hell felt violated when he told me he did it, more like bragged about it like he won a trophy. I never reported it for the simple fact that he was my boyfriend, no-one would believe me. I just kept it to myself for a long time. I told one close friend who died a few years ago and more recently my therapist. I would say it has affected me. I hate being woken up to someone doing sexual things to me even though other people get turned on by the idea. Someone did awhile back and it scared the hell out of me and made me feel incredibly vunerable. I don't think my case warrants any concern because I was asleep and don't recall it. My ex was a nasty piece of work, he was manipulative and put me through hell. He pushed me over once which I got a black eye and had to go into hospital, that was truly horrible because that very night, he had pinned me up against the wall by my throat and was verbally abusive. He as possessive and didn't like the fact that a while later, I made new friends and had to be there whilst I was with them, he accused me of cheating. He called me names like 'prostitute' and even blamed it on me when I got sexually assaulted by my doctor. He made me perform bizarre rituals as a way of showing my love to him. He nearly broke my spirit and there was so much else he did to me. And yet, I still blame myself for when he raped me. Other people's lack of understanding really hurts as much as the pain that was inflicted. Please, no hurtful comments.

bubblegum84 bubblegum84
26-30, F
9 Responses Feb 24, 2010

Sorry to hear that how old were you when this happened

Very hard for me but by doing this even if he gets away with it shows I don't accept what he did to me.. you have done nothing wrong he had no right to abuse your body and your trust ... big hugs ♥♥♥

I have just reported my child's father for this same thing .. I was told by him he would get out of it if I reported it as I was his gf and he even went on to say he had a condition called sexsomnia. He was basically trying to make excuses up for raping me . This man raped me all through are relationship he even did it with our child in the room in her cot. I have done a police interview today which was

I had an experience years ago now, an ex of mine used to have sex with me whilst I was asleep, a few times Id wake up, not really knowing what to do. He slept with so many other people, lied about it, I was 17-19, we were engaged. One night I remember, I was upset as I found out my uncle had a serious drug problem, he asked me to stay round his and I'll never forget saying to him 'i dont want sex with you if i stay over' I woke up to him having sex with me. He didnt know I was awake. The next day he said to me 'see, i told you that we wouldnt have sex'. Ive been tormented over this for years, some people think its a form of rape, others dont. I dont know how many times he did this to me, I honestly cant count. I slept on my sofa for over 2 years because I wanted something behind me that was secure. My councellor at the time said it wasnt rape, my friend and my cousin said it was. It was an issue I raised to my ex but he still did it. I wish their was some clarification of what it was, i told a guy I was dating about it, as I wasnt ready for the next step, I said I was sexually abused and raped, ever since I said that word rape, ive questioned myself, was I? I feel guilty because there are women out there who are pinned down, tied up etc and its terrible, that didnt happen to me. Yet I cant get my head round what happened to me, whether it was or wasnt rape. I cant talk to anyone about it, I feel so guilty all the time and confused

I had a similar experience. Forgive, forgive, forgive. This is how you will become stronger

If you were asleep you could not consent to it, therefore it is rape. It's disturbing that people have told you it wasn't. Don't blame yourself. This is a normal thing to do, but it wasn't your fault. Yr ex bf knew what he was doing. People will believe you. Do not be afraid. Report him if it makes you feel better. The police will believe you. They would have done if you had gone to them immediately too. Him being your bf does not give him special rights. He is a rapist. From what you've said it sounds like he loves being one. Like it's some kind of merit badge. I was raped by my bf also, but I was conscious at the time. You are a strong person and you can get past this. He is the bad guy, yeah? You are the victim. Be strong and feel better.<br />
Hugs x

You are not to blame, at all.

I can see why you blame your self i was once in that kinda situation and i blamed my self over and over agin. The truth is tho if you didnt give your permission for him to have sex with you it was rape, wether he was your boyfriend or not. im so glad you didnt let him brake you, its a very hard thing to have to go thoght. you just stay strong and remeber that you where not one bit in the wrong.

these sorta people grow strong off fear and vulnerability, and evne years after the damage is done the victims still feel the same, ofc i havnt been raped being a guy so i cant relate to that lol but i know how it feels to be manipulated and have no one to turn to or even believe you, it seems all the things he did in the long term affected you more than the one incident, point is, you simply need to overcome your feeling of vulnerability because on the bright side its just an illusion left in your head by him, id say turn your fear into anger, not the anger that will have you hate all men, strangers and what-not but a positive anger that provokes determination to overcome