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I Was Sexually Abused By My Uncle And Raped By My Cousin's Best Friend

(Before you start reading I would like to let u know that by time you finish reading this you nevr know if I still may be alive because it was so hard to write this since I felt like i was reliving every moment through every specific detail that happened to me that nobody should have to go through) My life is really ****** up and full of bullshit. Everyday I just want to crawl into a small space and die so i can i can  be relieved from all the pain and humiliation I've been through and I'm still feeling. Ever since I was 10 years old I have been sexually abused by the one i trusted and wasn't supposed to hurt me. It was my uncle. Whenever he had the chance to come ovr and babysit me which was everyday, he would rape me  or molest me., which ever one he  felt was neccessary to fullfill his needs. The first tyme this happened my mom called him and asked him to babysit. He walked in my room, smiled at me and looked at me up and down., I just smiled back at me but little did I kno the actual reason he was smiling. He sat by me on my bed and started to rub my arm. I looked at him and asked him what he was doing. He said he knew a way to make me a woman. I started to get worried so I tried to get up which made he mad. He grabbed me by my arm and laid me back on the bed. He started to kiss me on my mouth. I started to cry and beg him to stop, but all i got was a slap in the face. He told me it would make me feel good and he knew I wanted it. He pinned both of my hands in his one of his hands and started to take off my clothes. He told me if i screamed it would only make it worse. He took his clothes off and put a condom on and started to rape me. I cried and begged him to stop.  I tried to fight my way from underneath him but I couldn't he was too strong. I kept telling him he was hurting me but he wouldn't listen. All I could hear was his moaning and groaning in my ear and all i could feel was his sweat and kisses that trailed down my body. Until after about  a half an hour he was finally down. He got up, put his clothes back on, grabbed me by my face and told me if i told anyone he would kill me. He smiled and left my room. All i could do was lay on the bed sobbing hoping that evrything would b ok. But it wasn't. I felt pain and most of all sick and dirty from what he did. I never thought he would do something like that. I finally crawled into the bathroom and took the hottest shower I ever could and scrubbed myself raw and just laid in the shower crying. Ever since that day my life has nevr been the same. He finally stopped after five years  when I was raped by my cousin's best friend. My uncle for some reason could tell that I was raped by someone else because he didn't get the same feeling as he used to ever since the first time he raped me., especially from me being a virgin at the age of ten.. He would usually felt  satisfied and accomplished since he was the only person that I've ever had  ''sex'' with. But anyway like I was saying, i was raped by my cousin's best friend. My cousin had to go to the mal to pick up his little brother which was like a 2 hour drive. He thought since his friend was there that I would b ok so he finally left. After about 10 minutes from my cousin's leaving, his friend started to flirt with me. He started to touch my arm and rub it. I started to get scared since everything that I've been through with my uncle and all and that's how it would all start by the touching of my arm. I asked him if he could stop touching me and stay away from me please. He got so mad. He grabbed me by both of my arms and told me that if he wanted me he was going to take me. He kissed me roughly on my mouth and i started to cry. I begged him to please don't do this. He didn't care. He looked at my body up and down and threw me on the bed. He tore a piece of an old shirt from my cousin's shirt off and tied me to the bed. I was kicking and screaming and crying all at the same time. I kept saying no and to stop, but he didn't care. He got on top of me and slowly started to take off my clothes. He said he wanted me to remember this  for my whole entire life.  He took off his clothes and got something out of his pants pocket and took out a condom. I started to cry harder because I knew what was going to happen next. He put the condom on  and laid down on top of me. He kissed me and started going down my neck all the way down to my stomach. Then i felt a sharp pain that felt like it would last forever. He was raping me. I tried so hard to get him off of me and release the bonds that were tying my hands together, but it was no use.  He said he knew I liked it and he said it was sad that he wasn't my first.  He slapped me and told me to shut up. I have bruises that I feel would last a lifetime. Finally after a hour he was done. He got off of me, untied my hands , got dressed and told me if I told my cousin what happend he would come after me and it would be worse the next time, especially with more people. I got dressed and went into the bathroom and locked the door and cried laying on the floor. I didn't open the door until my cousin pulled up into the drive way. I was so quiet and looked like i was hurt so my cousin asked me if i was ok. I looked at his friend who had a glare on his face and looked at my cousin and put a fake smile on my face and said i was fine. He finally took me home. So as you can definitely see rape and sexual abuse has a major part in my life and i feel it will control me no matter where i go no matter what i do. I just want the numbness, pain and misery to go away and leave me the **** alone. I still cut myself and i have tried to commit suicide 3 times. One of those tymes was almost successful  (i took an entire bottle of sleeping pills) , but i ended up in the hospital. I still try to because i feel as though the sooner i die the better off i'll  be  and so will my family be not having to deal with me and my issues.......even though they don't know the truth behind me trying to commit suicide and cutting.  No one knows what I feel and have to deal with everyday for the rest of my life!
JustTryingToForget JustTryingToForget 18-21, F 12 Responses Jun 15, 2010

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Tuesday,08Oct2013/~1PM<br />
Hey JustTryingToForget, I think you are a very strong person and very brave to have survived and very brave for sharing your story. It helped me feel that I am not alone. Thankyou soo much!I added you to my friends list. <br />
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Feel free to message me, although, I don't come to EP much anymore. I try checking in 1x per week. 1) I'd been in a bad accident last Nov 2012 and still am very weak and bedrest much. 2) When I am feeling well enough, I'm working on my fist book: a mystery-historical fiction (involving time-travel) for young adults.<br />
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You see, I'm a male and I TOO was raped and molested too -- numerous times (by a parent and 3 guys in highschool), soo...I understand what you went thru and are STILL going thru. What happened was HORRIBLE, Heinous, and brain changing traumatic. <br />
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Please understand...you will get thru this. things will get better. I was sexually abused 49 years ago, and today I am happily married and working as a "therapist". Trained as a Peer Support (Recovery) Specialist (PSS). I was also the Drug and Alcohol Abuse Counselor on the aircraft carrier the USS Nimitz when I was in the Navy. Also, am a board-member with a local mental illness group: NAMI.org.<br />
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But you need to go to a therapist and have "her"/"him" help you get thru this. Tell someone. They more you share/tell your story, the sooner you will start feeling better about yourself and feeling hope. And if you don't like the first therapist (or if you going to one now), "fire 'her'"/him'. I had to try several different therapists until I found one that actually listened to me and started helping me.<br />
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I too tried suicide...3 different times. And although I didn't "cut", I totally understand why you do...I did other harmful things to myself that I did just to get thru the day and "one hour at a time", to disassociate from the emotional pain.<br />
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Here's a support site that helped me get thru the pain and loneliness and feelings of hopelessness. It's called, RAINN "Rape, Abuse and ****** National Network: the nation's largest (and I think most helpful & informative) anti-sexual assault organization. Link: http://www.rainn.org/. You can even call a 24 hour hotline number they provide on their site, that is TOTALLY anonymous. It's 1-800-656-HOPE (4673).<br />
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According to the National Prevent Child Abuse Awareness organization: <br />
"1 out 3 girls, and 1 out of 5 boys, are sexually abused by someone they know -- before they reach age 18." <br />
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How this stat helped me, was I was sitting in a movie theater of about 100 patrons, and suddenly realized 1/3 of the females and 1/5 of the males in the audience most probably were sexually abused before they were 18 -- by someone in their family. I WAS NOT ALONE! Others went thru or were going thru what I went thru. I was raped and sexually abused by my mother, and raped by 3 male bullies in highschool.<br />
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***WARNING*** of following story: <br />
JusttryingToForget, you may not want to read the following story of my my rapes. <br />
*******It may be too triggering******<br />
REASON I wrote it, was to let you know you (and any others who were raped/sexual abused) are not alone.The sexual abuse first started by my mother (she was an alcoholic & a druggy) starting when I was age 12?- in 1964? and continued until I was 16/17? when she stopped drinking & drugging. I'm not sure my exact age and yr it all started and ended...I "blocked out" most of the memories (causing me to have dissociative amnesia and delayed onset C-PTSD, i.e. Complex post traumatic stress disorder). My Monster Mom (who had a raging temper - physically and emotionally- of that of Godzilla) told me that if I "wanted to keep Mommy happy..." and not have her physically abuse me), "...then I would let her doing anything she wanted to do to me and anything she wanted me to do to her."<br />
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NOTE: guys (especially teen guys) can still get a "hard-on" when their "thing" is stroked, even though their brain and mouth are screaming "No no no!" Same thing in females. It's called an "autonomic response mechanism", i.e. our bodies will often act and react as if it were a machine...pull the right (body) levers and push the right (body) buttons, and you get sexual (often even "pleasurable" feelings/arousals, which can be confusing and totally frightening to someone who is being raped).<br />
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I had a older sister (6 yrs my senior) and a father who both knew exactly what Monster mom was doing to me, BUT, they too were too terrified of the Monster. Plus, my father told us "kids" that we couldn't tell anybody what was going on, "Or, the police would come and arrest mommy and put her in jail...then he wouldn't have a wife and we wouldn't have any mommy."<br />
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Another reason I didn't tell anybody was that I truly believed what the Monster Mom was doing to me happened and occurred in all families...I had no idea and no other families to compare it with. I was never allowed to sleep over at any body's else's house. Also, back in the 1960's schools didn't yet teach sex ed and didn't teach about "good touch, bad touch" that our bodies our our own personal private property.<br />
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Now, the other persons who raped me: Since I was soo afraid of my mother and therefore all females, I didn't talk about sex, nor kissing, nor girlfriends when I got to highschool in 1968. Since i didn't others in my school thought I was a "homo" (they didn't have the word Gay yet). <br />
NOTE: I wasn't gay nor did I ever become gay...married now to wonderful women, but still have problems with sex).<br />
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Anyway, 3 bullies got me cornered and alone in the schools empty gym locker room and raped me (I was just getting out of the shower). They told me if I ever told anybody they'd kill me. I also "Blocked out" this memory until 30+ yrs later. But one thing I always remembered, was that I had bleed out of my rectum for the next 2 days. Also, I would have nightmares of one of the bullies saying to his 2 cronies "See, I told you he was 'Gay' a homo. See he's getting an erection...he's enjoying this." (Ref: him raping me).<br />
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JustTryingToForget, if you *did* read this, I hope it did not retraumatize you. I hope it helped. OR at least, It helped anybody else who has been raped, sexually abused, molested by a family member, by "someone they know."<br />
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Most appreciative for you sharing your story and for your bravery,<br />
Heathland (:-{)>

Honey, you are a very brave person. I admire your bravery in telling your story to the world. Please do not let your past hinder your way to the great person you are bound to become. What they did was wrong and they should be punished for that. I can't say I know what you're going through because I seriously don't. I just hope you see the bravery you posses and your potential to stand up after what you have been through.

Sweetheart you probably dont feel it but you are brave and strong and beautiful. They were wrong and I am so sorry this happened to you. You were a victim and now you are a survivor. Please dont let this define you. It is brave that you shared. Please dont let the people who hurt you continue to hurt you. Love yourself. You are beautiful. I can see that through your writing.

Sorry to hear what happened to you; I have set up a group to help every going through what you are going through, feel free to view and have a read, if you need to talk about anything, send me a message;
http://www.experienceproject.com/groups/Want-To-Help-Rape-Victims/621798?omni

I too am unhappy because of what men did to me even when i try to be happy i get a flash back and the happiness just gets stolen I too feel like i will never heal and it will continue to control my life :(

If I knew who these people were I would kill them in a heartbeat you don't deserve to be unhappy I hope you are okay now and still alive

Im So Sorry For What You Went Threw I Was You Knowe'd By My Cousin Who Is 17 Now He Has A Baby With a Girl Who Is 13 I Love There baby he is cute but i hate him everyday i see him and i say nothing when he . . . you know he said for me to go to bed that it was all a dream The Next Day I Woke Up With Just My Under clothes on <br />
Tell A Close A Friend To Help You Get Through It So Sorry ♥ Stay Stronge ♥

hope u didnt die,plss dont do suicide hter ar still peoples who care about you plss T.T<br />
im sure u life will be more good u still hav friends here we ar all with you :(

I am so sorry to hear what you had to go through. I feel your pain. The only thing I want to say Is don't kill yourself. I know it hurts, but when heavenly father is ready for you, he will take you with loving arms. There is a reason your attempts of suicide have been unsuccessful. There is most likely some young girl out there going through the same thing who just needs a friend and someone who's been through the same thing. You have been through a lot, and even thought it doesntfeel like it, it has made you stronger. Someone needs you. Your life has a purpose. It will get better. And your pain is but a short moment.(although it feels like forever)<br />
Much love,<br />
W.H.

I just red your story Dec 2011 and I hope you are still here.... Time will heal all wounds...you just have to do your best to stick around. God Bless...

gurl sorry for u went tru. my myspace and facebook is veronica_aidamil14@yahoo.com and my yahoo is veronica_aidamil@yahoo.com. im here for u

You just gotta wait.Yeah ***** bad now.Well no,im sorry....i honestly cannot imagine how bad **** is for u.But i kno wat sadness is.What pain is.Not nearly as much as u have but After u turn 18.Things will get a whole lot better.And u should tell someone.The cowards who raped u dont have the balls to acually kill u.Or hurt u.After u tell u will be protected.Even if they dont believe u.....they still wont leave u alone with ur uncle anymore.And if ur not alone with him he cant hurt u.he wont hurt u infront of everyone.I very much understand things may not be that easy.And im sorry if it just makes things worse.But u shouldnt have to live in fear like that.Wishing for death.You have to tell.Do u want them doing this to someone else?Even if u kill urself (Wich i am not insisting on cause its not worth it)but u have to let ppl kno for in the future.Altho im only 17 and have no idea what u have been through....I do kno wat its like to wanna die.I do kno wat its like to try to commit suicide to reach ur breaking point.If u ever wanna talk uhmm.... u can message me on my space its ummm...Myspace.com/J101Ryan or if that doesnt work u can message me on here or something.But i truely am sorry for wat u have been through and i hope u dont give up.