He Started With Abuse...

I was in a really dark place when i met J. My grandmother, the only person at the time who seemed to believe in my aspirations, had just died of brain cancer after a three year struggle with breast cancer. I was a sophomore in high school, and the crowd that did drugs and drinking and partying was easy to get into. I was so mad at everything... and somehow i thought doing those things would just let my anger out. That's when i met J. He was a senior, and known for throwing wild parties and rebelling against teachers. I thought he was cool. I was so shocked when he had his eyes on me, when he said he thought i was hot. I was an idiot. We started going out.

At first, it was really nice. Even if most of our dates were to parties, i liked how dangerous he was and how cool he made me feel. But then things turned for the worst. The first time he verbally abused me i shrugged it off and just assumed he was being all macho for his friends; they were the type of guys that called their girlfriends "woman" and order them around. The second time it happened was the first time he physically abused me. He wanted me to go out with him to a party after school, but i said that i wasnt feeling well and that it seemed like a lame one anyway. As i walked away from him, he grabbed my wrist sharply and sort of twisted it. I remember wanting to yell that he was hurting me, but when i saw his face it stopped me. His eyes were really scary. He told me that i was his, and that i did what he wanted. I didnt argue. I should have told someone then.

After that, he got really possessive. If he saw me talking to another guy, he would interrogate me about it later and then hit me when i said something he didnt like. When i wanted to go out with my friends, he wouldnt stop texting me the whole time; asking where i was, what i was doing now, and then demanding that i call him to check in and 'make sure i wasnt with another guy'. Then, the next time i saw him he would tell me that he 'knew what i did' and called me horrible names. I was so frustrated with him and how claustrophobic he made me feel, but at the same time i was ashamed that i was letting a boy do this to me. I was also afraid to break it off in case no one else would want me.

It got to the point where i didnt really have any close friends, and absolutely no guy friends that werent also J's. I wasnt close enough to anyone in my family, so there was no one else left to question me about how J acted towards me, or ask me why i wore such covered clothing. I thought what my 'relationship' had become couldnt get any worse. And then J started with the sexual demands.

The first time, we were at a party and he yanked me into the bedroom. I didnt really know where we were going at the time. If i had, maybe i would have tried to fight him or make an excuse to be with our friends. I wish that i had done anything to stop it. He made me sit on the bed, and i guess it was then that i figured it out because i started crying. J locked the door and yelled at me to shut up, maybe someone would have heard him if the music wasnt so loud. He told me to take off my shirt, but i couldnt because my hands had started shaking, so he smacked me. I took off the rest of my clothes obediently because i didnt want to get hit again, and i remember how humiliated and helpless i felt showing everything like that. I remember how when i started crying again he hit me and said i should be thankful for what he was giving me, i remember every egotistical disgusting thing he said. Thats the worst part, because sometimes when im doing things like grocery shopping, or working on homework, i start hearing him say those things again and it makes me sick.

He raped me three more times before he called me 'worn out' and ended our 'relationship'. The thing im the happiest about is that i moved in my junior year, and at least then i didnt have to see him at school anymore. Ive never told anyone this; ive had no close friends, my family is distant, and theirs really no one i can talk to. I thought about reporting it for awhile, but then the abuse would have to be reported too and i was just too humiliated. I havent been able to pursue dates in any sort of sexual way, since when men are ontop of me i start to think about J and freak out. I dont get much sleep, because i have horrible night terrors, and alot of the time i push myself to stay up all night. I just graduated high school and i should feel free and optimistic, but all i feel like doing is holing myself away from the world. I know it isnt healthy, but i dont want to tell anyone; and i would have to if i wanted help. I dont know what to do anymore. Im just exhausted.
thetruthaboutorgans thetruthaboutorgans
18-21, F
3 Responses Jul 13, 2010

You're lucky he left you alone. Can you imainge that treatment for much longer? It's normal how you feel. I feel the same way *hugs*

thank you very much for the support. it feels good to have someone to sympathize with my experience.<br />
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and i suppose that your right, the least i can do is try to get a real good nights sleep. ill start looking around for someone to help with it. i dont want to keep wallowing in what he did to me... i want things to get normal again..

reading your story made me think about my own experience........you are brave first and fore most for still being here today after that sort of attack on your body mind and soul......every little thing after this happens adds to your already fractured state.......it has been over 2 years since i was attacked, but before that i spent 6years in a highly abbusive realationship with my attacker......i want you to know that you can get help for your sleeping problems and for the emotional scars that you are now left with, without having to report the abuse.......the only way that you can try to quiet the thoughts and should ofs and could ofs.....is to seek help from people that are trained in this......i hope that you get help for yourself......you will always have to live with what happened and what this pig did to you....but if you seek no help at all.....it will fester within you until you can no longer contain the damage that is in your mind.........i wish you all the luck in the world with getting help that you need........