Abuse In Every Form...

Some people believe that i should be more grateful for the life i have. most people say that i have it good and that i just don't appreciate anything because i'm selfish. hardly anyone knows what i deal with on a day to day basis... i'm hoping someone on here does, or me typing up my life story is gonna be a complete waste...

So, from the beginning...

At first, my family was an actual family. my parents wanted me and i had a great brother. we did everything together. around age 5, my brother started babysitting me on his own. he's 5 years older than me. to begin with, we just played games and stuff. then he started getting really angry when i would beat him in the games. i tried not trying to win, but he always knew when i wasn't playing my best. he started pushing me around, which i didn't think anything of... since we're siblings. pretty soon thereafter, he started hitting me. mainly on my legs.. then he started punching my chest, which made it hard for me to breathe.. eventually, he started throwing me up against walls and beating me anywhere he thought he could get away with it. anywhere clothes would cover. i threatened to tell a few times, but everytime i mentioned it... the beatings got worse.

about 3 months later, my brother convinced me that he learned about a new game for us to play. he said that all we had to do was take all of our clothes off and see who could stand to be naked the longest. he won. the next time, he said the rules changed. i told him i didn't want to play, but he ripped my clothes off and forced himself on me. i tried so hard to fight him off... but all i could do was scream. it hurt so bad... afterwards, he said if i ever told anyone that he would make it a lot worse the next time... but it got worse every time no matter what i did or didn't do. this reoccurred at least once a week for 2-3 years.

Soon, my brother started being too busy with his friends from school to bother with me... but every once in a while, he'd still beat me. a year after my brother stopped raping me, my mother started being verbally abusive. my grades weren't anywhere near where she thought they should be, and i got crap for it. from mid-middle school, till i got my diploma... it was always "you're so stupid. i didn't raise my child to be this way. you know what, i don't care. get out of my face." usually, it would last a lot longer than that and end up being a lot more harsh.

from age 9, my mother demanded that i learn how to clean the house. so every weekend, i worked my butt off to clean the whole house... then every weekday, she demanded that i do laundry, cook dinner, clean up from dinner, and make the kitchen spotless before bedtime. i remember a few instances when i had the flu... my mother burst into my room and screamed at me because i was being selfish in not taking care of the rest of the family.

that was all around the time that my mother had my little brother. he was born pre-maturely, so he's been babied since then. he's now 11 years old and all he does in his day is watch tv and play video games. mother lets him do whatever he wants. i'm glad he's not under the pressure i've been under for the past 10 years, but at the same time i'm uber jealous of him. that's another story, however.

so around age 15, guys started noticing me. i had a boyfriend all the time. if someone broke up with me, i had another guy asking for my hand within a week. i couldn't understand why it was happening. i'm seriously not all that attractive. i'm not saying that like "ohhh, i'm not pretty." i mean by society's standards, i am not a pretty girl.

for some reason, i always ended up with the jerks of the school. i was either beat, cheated on, ignored, or touched in ways that 15 year old girls don't need or want to be touched. one of my boyfriends... i was completely head over heals for him... he's now in jail for sex with a minor and child ***********... i figured the jerks had to run out eventually, so i kept accepting the requests for dates. every date sucked, and every guy was worse than the one before.

my mother keeps getting worse. the only difference between then and now, is that i've been dating someone for 3 years now. he always treats me right, stands up for me, helps me do things my mother tells me to, etc. he's a fantastic guy, who has stood by my side through everything. i've tried pushing him away, to see what it would take for him to leave me. i was so used to guys just getting what they want out of me and dropping me in a second. i've gone through the whole PTSD thing, but i could never tell my parents what happened to me when i was little. my mother wouldn't care anyway. i've never had therapy... i've never had any kind of help other than talking to my boyfriend about all of this. i've been a depressive bipolar for as long as i can remember. my depressed episodes last a lot longer than my mania episodes, but my mania episodes are much more intense. when i'm depressed, NOTHING makes me better... i've had so many suicide attempts that i've lost count... i've tried drinking, smoking, etc... everything i do just makes life harder. when i'm angry i feel like i could break through walls... but no matter what state i'm in, i always feel like i want my life to be over. i've dealt with so much crap and i've put up with most of it.. but as cleche as this sounds... i really do not know how much longer i can keep going... the only reason i'm still alive right now is because of my boyfriend and my best friend.. i know they still need me. i'm just afraid of when they will finally be okay without me... i fear what i'll do in that moment...

i would go to a doctor and get anti-depressants and go to therapy and all that fun stuff... i would get help... but i don't have health insurance, and i have a part-time minimum wage job... i'm 20 years old... i'm not in college... my life is going nowhere....... i honestly feel like my life isn't worth living from any stand point, especially mine..

so that's the basics of my life. i hope you enjoyed reading my misery. until next time, exp.pro.-
Drawinginbeauty Drawinginbeauty
18-21, F
1 Response Jul 18, 2010

sorry that you are going through all this. But thank God you have your boyfriend. Some of us don't even have that. I know how you feel about that with your mother too. I was raised by my mother alone. She was working all the time and we were turned into her little slaves. i had surgery resently and my mother couldn't handle going to the store for the groceries without having a hissy fit. And she only had to help me for three days. <br />
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So I feel your pain. And I was raped twice. So i have an insight to that too. But I can never say I know what you feel. Yours sounds long and horrible. Mine where only one moment in time each. although they did feel like forever as they were happening. And i didnt live in the same house as my rapists. If you ever need to talk, email here. Take care sweeite and God Bless.<br />
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Writergirl32