"Don't Waste Your Whole Life Trying To Get Back What Was Taken Away"I was 15, chubby and a virgin. I had some friends but for the most part I was a bit of a loner. Depressed and caught up in my divorced parent's constant drama.
A friend of mine's sister had a friend that took an interest in me. He was 23 and very friendly. We had a nice conversation while we were all hanging out and when it was time for me to go home he gave me his number so we could text (first red flag). I was flattered and of course being a naive little girl who felt like a nobody I took his number and later in the week I sent him a text. He was so nice! I finally had someone who wanted to listen to me.
One evening my mother and I got into a huge fight. I left home and I thought of anyone to call but I couldn't think of anyone who wouldn't take me home. So I called "him" in tears. He came and picked me up, said I could cool down at his place. He said that my friend's sister was there and we could just chill. We got there around 8pm to his little apartment and as he parked the car he said, he would get out first and to watch where he walked so I could follow after (again this should have been a sign). I was still overwhelmed from the argument and being young I wasn't thinking logically. I followed and I remember as he put the key in the lock, it clicked and we walked in to pure darkness. My friend's sister wasn't there and when I asked he said she would be there shortly. He never turned a light on. He walked to the kitchen and opened the fridge. He handed me a water. He asked if I wanted to watch a movie, I said sure. He motioned to take off my shoes as he put in the "Road to Perdition". I sat on the floor and undid my shoe laces. I sat down on the couch setting my bottle of water on the coffee table.
He sat next to me. The movie started and I don't really recall much of it. At one point, not too far in he put his arm around me. I felt very uncomfortable but I didn't say anything. He was being so nice and I figured he was being comforting. He pulled me closer and kissed my neck. I got very warm and nervous. I asked what he was doing. He answered that he thought I was beautiful. The thought that I was pretty, let alone beautiful never crossed my mind. So stiffly I gave in a little. He grabbed my wrists and I got very scared I asked him where my friend's sister was and when he was expecting her. I mentioned that I'd like to go home now, since it was getting late and I had school the next day. He ignored me as he pulled me back into the bedroom. I started pulling at my wrists as he jerked a sheet off his bed and careless let it fall to the floor. He pushed me down onto it as I pleaded with him. His face buried in my neck as his hips pressed down on me.
With his hand he undid my jeans and took them off me. I was crying and kicking and yelling "NO". I don't remember at what point his jeans came off but I recall the heat of his thighs as he laid on top of me. He pushed himself inside me and I felt an instant rush of pain wash through me. I felt frozen. I could hear myself whimpering, "no, please stop." The floor felt so hard, something between my thighs felt warm and so wet. When he finally turned the lights on later I saw the sheet was drenched in my blood. He squirmed on top of me, thrusting and grinding as I lay there sobbing. He shook and let out a huge moan. I just laid there as he stood up, walked to the bathroom and took a shower. My mind wasn't working but at the same time it was moving so fast. I just laid there as he turned the lights on and thew my clothes at me.
From there I don't remember much. The street lights flickering in the car as he drove me home. How cold I felt. Just like I was dead. I walked in the door to my house, pass my mom and sister. Up the stairs and into the bathroom where I sat against the door my knees to my chest the bright light drenching me. My head spinning as the knock on the door shook me into reality. My mom said, "it's time for bed kiddo." I waited to hear her walk down the stairs. I walked out into the hall and to my room. Crawled up the ladder to my bed and lay in the clean sheets with my clothes still on.
I grabbed my cellphone and pressed the number 5. My speed dial for a good male friend who I had know for years. I called and told him what happened. I cried and told him I felt like a *****. That I felt dirty and slutty and I tried to stop him but he wouldn't. My friend told me that I wasn't. Honestly I think he (who was also 15) was pretty freaked out. I don't remember how or if I fell asleep that night. The next day on the way to school after we dropped my sister off at her school I sat in the passenger's seat silent. My mom sort of figured out what had happened and drove me to Plan Parenthood to get "tested" for any diseases. Then she drove me to this place. I don't know what it was called or where it was but I can still see the yellow room I was in. The sun streaming in and this lady, a rape therapist, trying to get me to talk. I have no idea what I said. I don't think I cried. I was just quiet.
It's been a long time since then and many things have brought the memory back. I should have seen all of the signs, I should have never went. I shouldn't have done so many things. It's still there, it always will be. Life didn't play out the way it should for me for a while after that. Sex wasn't "special" anymore and I never mattered to begin with so I went through a lot of darkness before I turned 18 and met my current boyfriend. Since then I have been able to let go of a lot of things. I hate what happened to me, I would change it in a second. I didn't let it ruin the rest of my life. I became more of an observant and cautious person because of it. I don't know how to end this because it is still apart of me and my past. I haven't learned to fully shut the door. Please forgive me for this story not having an ending...............