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"Don't Waste Your Whole Life Trying To Get Back What Was Taken Away"

I was 15, chubby and a virgin. I had some friends but for the most part I was a bit of a loner. Depressed and caught up in my divorced parent's constant drama.

A friend of mine's sister had a friend that took an interest in me. He was 23 and very friendly. We had a nice conversation while we were all hanging out and when it was time for me to go home he gave me his number so we could text (first red flag). I was flattered and of course being a naive little girl who felt like a nobody I took his number and later in the week I sent him a text. He was so nice! I finally had someone who wanted to listen to me.

One evening my mother and I got into a huge fight. I left home and I thought of anyone to call but I couldn't think of anyone who wouldn't take me home. So I called "him" in tears. He came and picked me up, said I could cool down at his place. He said that my friend's sister was there and we could just chill. We got there around 8pm to his little apartment and as he parked the car he said, he would get out first and to watch where he walked so I could follow after (again this should have been a sign). I was still overwhelmed from the argument and being young I wasn't thinking logically. I followed and I remember as he put the key in the lock, it clicked and we walked in to pure darkness. My friend's sister wasn't there and when I asked he said she would be there shortly. He never turned a light on. He walked to the kitchen and opened the fridge. He handed me a water. He asked if I wanted to watch a movie, I said sure. He motioned to take off my shoes as he put in the "Road to Perdition". I sat on the floor and undid my shoe laces. I sat down on the couch setting my bottle of water on the coffee table.

He sat next to me. The movie started and I don't really recall much of it. At one point, not too far in he put his arm around me. I felt very uncomfortable but I didn't say anything. He was being so nice and I figured he was being comforting. He pulled me closer and kissed my neck. I got very warm and nervous. I asked what he was doing. He answered that he thought I was beautiful. The thought that I was pretty, let alone beautiful never crossed my mind. So stiffly I gave in a little. He grabbed my wrists and I got very scared I asked him where my friend's sister was and when he was expecting her. I mentioned that I'd like to go home now, since it was getting late and I had school the next day. He ignored me as he pulled me back into the bedroom. I started pulling at my wrists as he jerked a sheet off his bed and careless let it fall to the floor. He pushed me down onto it as I pleaded with him. His face buried in my neck as his hips pressed down on me.

With his hand he undid my jeans and took them off me. I was crying and kicking and yelling "NO". I don't remember at what point his jeans came off but I recall the heat of his thighs as he laid on top of me. He pushed himself inside me and I felt an instant rush of pain wash through me. I felt frozen. I could hear myself whimpering, "no, please stop." The floor felt so hard, something between my thighs felt warm and so wet. When he finally turned the lights on later I saw the sheet was drenched in my blood. He squirmed on top of me, thrusting and grinding as I lay there sobbing. He shook and let out a huge moan. I just laid there as he stood up, walked to the bathroom and took a shower. My mind wasn't working but at the same time it was moving so fast. I just laid there as he turned the lights on and thew my clothes at me.

From there I don't remember much. The street lights flickering in the car as he drove me home. How cold I felt. Just like I was dead. I walked in the door to my house, pass my mom and sister. Up the stairs and into the bathroom where I sat against the door my knees to my chest the bright light drenching me. My head spinning as the knock on the door shook me into reality. My mom said, "it's time for bed kiddo." I waited to hear her walk down the stairs. I walked out into the hall and to my room. Crawled up the ladder to my bed and lay in the clean sheets with my clothes still on.

I grabbed my cellphone and pressed the number 5. My speed dial for a good male friend who I had know for years. I called and told him what happened. I cried and told him I felt like a *****. That I felt dirty and slutty and I tried to stop him but he wouldn't. My friend told me that I wasn't. Honestly I think he (who was also 15) was pretty freaked out. I don't remember how or if I fell asleep that night. The next day on the way to school after we dropped my sister off at her school I sat in the passenger's seat silent. My mom sort of figured out what had happened and drove me to Plan Parenthood to get "tested" for any diseases. Then she drove me to this place. I don't know what it was called or where it was but I can still see the yellow room I was in. The sun streaming in and this lady, a rape therapist, trying to get me to talk. I have no idea what I said. I don't think I cried. I was just quiet.

It's been a long time since then and many things have brought the memory back. I should have seen all of the signs, I should have never went. I shouldn't have done so many things. It's still there, it always will be. Life didn't play out the way it should for me for a while after that. Sex wasn't "special" anymore and I never mattered to begin with so I went through a lot of darkness before I turned 18 and met my current boyfriend. Since then I have been able to let go of a lot of things. I hate what happened to me, I would change it in a second. I didn't let it ruin the rest of my life. I became more of an observant and cautious person because of it. I don't know how to end this because it is still apart of me and my past. I haven't learned to fully shut the door. Please forgive me for this story not having an ending...............
anotherinnocent anotherinnocent 22-25, F 73 Responses Mar 15, 2011

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Di you ever report him to the police?

Awesome story

Thank you for sharing. I know it was a terrible thing to go through, and I hope you can be very happy from now on.

it was not right for hem to do what he did

An honest and moving post by a bright and genuine young lady. It evoked feelings of sympathy and anger in me and wasn't easy to read but its this kind of post that this site is about....sharing experiences with others who have been throughthe same thing and helping those that haven't experienced it understand. Maybe if experiences like this were taught in schools there would be fewer rapes, and those that had been raped would find the strength to talk about it and move on.

Thank you for sharing.
I sorry to hear what you went through

it was not your fault. it won't be easy to erase the memory!..i was 16 when it happened to me, but in my case he was my teacher (sick bastard). i was lucky that my 2 friends came to the rescue but i can never forget how he forcefully touched parts of my body he wasnt suppose to. Don't blame yourself ok!

first and foremost you need to grasp the concept that it was not your fault no matter what you did that night him raping you was not your fault. you were a child he as an adult. he should be in prison believe me i know full well what im talking about i applaude your strength and resilience keep your head up

i agree! so sorry ....that was a long time ago.. 9 years

That guy should be in JAIL! Its terrible thing that you had to go through, i know, but u should also never blame yourself for anything! If u want to be mad or blame somebody, be mad at him! He did it not you! I swear if I knew who he was I would beat the hell outta him! Also I know you dont know me but im a really good person to talk to, so if u need to talk just send me a message! dont be shy im a person just like u!

You are strong, and you hold yourself with so much dignity I cant help but respect you. I noticed how you said you should have noticed some things but this is the gift of hindsight. It was not your fault. I hope you stopped blaming yourself. It is good to know you did not let this affect your relationships and you have someone now, who sets you free from a lot of this.

I hope you called the police on him. He should be castrated for what he did to you!!

It was almost nine years ago. Nothing ever happened to him. Thank you though.

It's not your fault. What happened was most definitely HIS fault for putting you through the hell he put you through... I'm sorry for you.

This story doesn't have an ending because YOUR story hasn't ended yet. You are a strong and intelligent person. No matter what happens from here on I know you will be ok.

I swear I cried during this story. You are a truly strong and beautiful person!!!

each person has worth and is worth much. no one deserves that...just caring and possibly love from a mate. i so understand you..xoxo plz know it is never to late and you dont have to accept being a trash can with a hairy lid jim

Wow - i am so sorry that you had to go through that. Nobody deserves to have their trust misused like that..

You are a strong one. Sorry to hear of your ordeal. How dreadful.

I am so sorry you had to go through this. People can be so mean, cruel, nasty and wanting to hurt others like this is sick. You are a worthwhile person and have a lot to offer others. It makes me so mad that there are gjys out there who obviously have these sort of demons and they aren't brought to justice. I don't blame you for not going that route its just unfortunate that scum like that get away with the torture he put you through.

i know what you feel my friend had this and i would kill the man but sadly i cant and i wish you have a great life

Did the guy ever get charged with anything? When I was assaulted I waited a long time to speak up and we were told that we could no longer press charges I was young I just want to know what your experience was with the legality of it was.

You are a strong and courageous person. God bless you, and may peace be with you always!

I'm so very sorry that this happened to you. I wish that things went differently for you, that this never happened to you.<br />
<br />
There is one thing that you need to know about all of this: NONE OF IT IS YOUR FAULT!<br />
<br />
You were very young at the time and had a very low level of self-esteem and that creep knew this and took advantage of you. You shouldn't blame yourself for signs that you may have missed or for going to his place or trusting him. <br />
<br />
While you may have trusted him and went to his place, the bottom line is this: You did not ask to be violated. <br />
<br />
All fault is with him and him alone. HE is the one who did something wrong and HE is the one that is to blame. <br />
<br />
Perhaps you made some poor calls in terms of judgement but that doesn't mean that you deserved to be assaulted as you were. No one deserves that. There is no excuse for rape. And keep in mind that while you are beating yourself up for signs that you believed you missed when you were 15, there are women three times your age who have found themselves in the same situation as you. <br />
<br />
I worked at a hospital's crisis intervention program as a volunteer crisis intervention counselor for three years, providing emergency counseling to survivors of sexual assault and domestic violence. In that time I have seen many women (and some men) who have blamed themselves for being harmed as they were. But it's NEVER their fault, it's ALWAYS the fault of the fault of the person who perpetrates this crime. <br />
<br />
You did not ask to be harmed and did not go to with him intending to be taken advantage of. Meanwhile, he probably knew exactly what he was going to do to you and how that night was going to play out as he drove to pick you up. He came to pick you up with evil intentions. <br />
<br />
Place the blame where it truly belongs - with HIM and HIM alone!<br />
<br />
And mark my words: there is a special place in Hell for him at the end of his life.<br />
<br />
I'm here to talk if you need someone but it sounds like you still have unresolved issues over this incident and if that is such the case it may be helpful for you to speak with a professional like a social worker or a therapist.<br />
<br />
Take care and be well.

It looks like you've got so many comments on this story that you'll likely never see mine, but I just want to say that I know exactly how you feel. I was a little bit older,...this..."woman" was a LOT bit older...it was a very surreal environment...looking back, there were all these things I should've noticed...even the very thought of sex anymore has lost all meaning...it's getting better, though. There is hope, it just takes some time. :)

Don't worry! Your comment didn't get lost in the shuffle. I hope you are able to learn to accept and grow from your unfortunate experience as I am with mine. Good luck!

I hate that this happened to you. I love that you are so thoughtful and expressive.

My cousin molested me when I was 4 years old. I used to self-loath everytime I got a new sexual partner. When I had sex for the first time, I roled over, went into the fetal position and quietly sobbed. I waer my emotions on my sleeve, so my second partner saw me as blank and empty when we had sex the first time. I recently started to see a therapist, and she noticed signs of sexual abuse immediately. I'd thought I was completely over it, but I guess I'm not.

you will never be completely over it. i was 10 when my uncle forced me perform oral sex on him to completion i gagged choked and vomitted, he said " thats ok youll get used to it " it continue for 6 ys because i was to ashamed and scared to say anything. im 47 now i still havent forgotten and i still aint used to it

It's a common thing, but, that guy isn't human. You're coming along pretty good, keep it up!

That was a terrible experience you went through. It was not your fault and I do hope that with love, although the experience will never be forgotten, the memories will go further into the back of your mind.

Thank you so much PandaReverb, I am very flattered by your comment.

That sounds like a truly horrible experience. It takes courage to stand up to your past, and even more courage to speak up about it. Your writing is fantastic, and your notations of the "red flags" is a great warning sign to others. Continue your resolve, further overcome your pain, and keep on growing into the better person you are becoming.