I was twelve
He was babysitting me
I grew up with him, our mams were good friends
he told me to go upstairs with him, to watch a film
We sat on the bed
He wrapped his arms around me
I fell into him... Id never been held by a man. I enjoyed it.
He pushed me onto the bed.
He held my wrists, lay on top of me
Whispered that I was a good girl
He pushed my hands onto his back, told me what to do with them.
Then he raped me.
Told me he would pull out so Id be ok
'dont tell anyone, they wont understand'
so i got up
i got dressed
and i was fine.
I got pregnant
I self aborted
It took me two years to tell my mam
She didnt believe me
It still hurts, every day, it chokes me. smothers me. the thought of it makes me feel sick to my stomach. I dont know how to function anymore, not when Im thinking about it. I can seperate myself into two people, the functioning, university student, with friends, who goes out and does stuff, and that small, scared little girl who doesnt know whats happening and how to cope and who just wants to turn and run and run and run until i collapse and dont have to think any more.
Im slowly filling in the blanks. Theres more. Its taking a while.