I was twelve

He was babysitting me

I grew up with him, our mams were good friends

he told me to go upstairs with him, to watch a film

We sat on the bed

He wrapped his arms around me

I fell into him... Id never been held by a man. I enjoyed it.

He pushed me onto the bed.

He held my wrists, lay on top of me

Whispered that I was a good girl

He pushed my hands onto his back, told me what to do with them.

Then he raped me.

Told me he would pull out so Id be ok

he finished

got up

got dressed

walked out

'dont tell anyone, they wont understand'

so i got up

i got dressed

went downstairs

and i was fine.



I got pregnant

I self aborted

It took me two years to tell my mam

She didnt believe me

It still hurts, every day, it chokes me. smothers me. the thought of it makes me feel sick to my stomach. I dont know how to function anymore, not when Im thinking about it. I can seperate myself into two people, the functioning, university student, with friends, who goes out and does stuff, and that small, scared little girl who doesnt know whats happening and how to cope and who just wants to turn and run and run and run until i collapse and dont have to think any more.


Im slowly filling in the blanks. Theres more. Its taking a while.

Tesse Tesse
18-21, F
10 Responses Mar 2, 2008

your story touched me. i am SO sorry! and pregnant that young? wow. he is a total douchebag! i hope your getting through things well. i HOPE the best for you in the future.<3

kimmy1302. Welcome to EP. Now come clean. You are not a 16-18 year old girl. Not with thoughts like that. Nobody with a grain of soul would wish that on anyone.<br />
<br />
Now leave. Come back if you wish, be honest, and bring some soul.

Alright kimmy. I think you're out of line. thatsnotme is reaching out for help & that's the hardest step. You can't be judgemental unless you've experienced the same. I feel I've gotten to know this great young woman fairly well & know she's just looking for answers to an almost impossible trauma. You're not to blame thatsnotme. I hope you can lay fault where it's deserved & not punish yourself.

Yes he is.<br />
I was made to apologise to him by my mother. It would be a contradiction to take him to court now.<br />
And nothing can be done. Its been 6 years, nearly 7. <br />
Im trying to get the guts to report it at least, if the police take it no further and it happens to someone else then its their fault, not mine.<br />
Purely selfish I know, but I hate how people always say 'report it, he might do it to someone else'

Rape is rape is rape. It's never your fault. I'm sorry you had this happen. I do understand your feelings in the matter. I just want to say you have friends you can confide & talk to...

thank you awakening...<br />
I always thought if you went through someone thats seen as so traumatic, you would know you went through it. I didnt think I was raped for so long, and I think it sbecause I trusted him, because I didnt think that he would hurt me, so although I knew what he was doing was wrong I assumed it must not be, otherwise why would this guy, my friend, who i grew up with, be doing this to me? he was only 17 too.. not even a man really...

he is at fault, but,...<br />
you say rape, people imagine a girl dragged into an alleyway, or a kid just doing what daddy says, or fear and screaming and kicking and fighting.<br />
i just lay there and prayed. took what he made me believe i deserve.<br />
its confusing. i dont know.

Hun, still not your fault. A kiss and rape are very differant things. Don't beat yourself up for hindsight. As the saying goes "Hindsight is 20/20." Move forward from now. Like saomeone doesn't give them permission to rape you..or do anything else to you that you don't want. Hugs, CMR

thats the thing.. in this case it was.... i said i liked him... i let him kiss me...<br />
i could have shouted louder, made more of a fuss... but i thought it better to just let him do whatever and wait for it to be over...

I am so sorry that you had to go through this. I am glad that you are talking about it. I hope that you find peace. Remember, it wasn't your fault. Hugs, CMR