I Wonder If It Was Really My Fault

I was raped by a cousin of mine. I have always felt guilty for it for a few reasons. First being that I had messed around with him as a kid and we did that for several years (we were young and curious...it happens). One night I was laying with him and he wanted to mess around and I did not mind at first but he wanted to put his penis inside of me and I told him no we could not do that. I guess he thought because we had messed around before that he had the right to give it to me when he wanted. I got frustrated and just pushed him off and tried going to sleep. A lot of what happened is blurry but he forced my legs opened, was inside of me and it hurt. I wasn't a virgin but I was dry since I was clearly not turned on. I wanted to scream but didn't since we were in a full house with my aunt and my other cousins. My aunt is a sickly person and this would kill her. So I let him finish just laying there feeling nothing inside hoping he would stop and that he didn't get me pregnant. He turned me around, pulled my hair and said "You are going to f-ing suck my c.o.c.k. and like it" Now I was really scared and he roughly pushed me down and forced me to suck him off. I couldn't breathe and in pain. Eventually he got his rocks off and he went to sleep while I just laid there. I still feel guilty and while my parents know we didn't want to say anything since it would break our family up. Sometimes it bothers me and other times I just keep it moving. However I do not find him a threat. I think in his mind he really did not think he was doing anything wrong and thought we were just having fun. It is what it is.

However I was not sure if it was rape for a while. I guess because we were supposed to mess around that night anyways and we had messed around in the past. Not until I told a friend did he tell me that was straight up rape but sometimes I am still unsure.
smartandbeautiful3 smartandbeautiful3
18-21, F
4 Responses May 16, 2012

actually it's simple... no means no. It's too bad what happened to you. If your cousin doesn't figure this one out, trouble will come his way!

It was rape. No means NO!.

It wasn't rape dearie, read your profile

Im sorry but what does my profile have to do with that specific situation?

And if you are referring to my sex life then Im not sure what one has to do with another. Especially since this happened 2 weeks after I lost my virginity.

The fact the you were laying next to him was an invitation, plus it doesn't sound like you have the highest of morals.....re.......profile

So I "invited" my own cousin who is my age to rape me huh? Your right I totally deserve it. Because I love sex doesn't mean I have low self esteem I know who I am and what I want in life. You see attitudes such as yours is what makes women feel that they shouldn't enjoy sex. Pay attention ladies, old hags such as Lucy are the ones that cast judgment on other women for enjoying themselves. I also find it fascinating that you took enough time of your boring existence to look through my profile and raise your nose at me. Here's some advice get a life and keep it moving.

I also noticed that you only concentrated on the sexual things in my profile when I clearly mention things on there about my college major, how I enjoy the library and how I value intelligence. Yet somehow you like to pinpoint what turns me on. You are bothered by my sex life but CHOOSE to concentrate on it instead of all the other things I write about.

BBBBAAAAHHHHH

PS.........no one enjoy's sex more than I do smartypants

PS I will be in Cabo June 2-9 where will you be in your boring life? bbbaaahhh

OH one other thing. This old hag just got her neck lifted 3 weeks ago, so I may be 63, but have the body 130 lbs 5'2" ............of someone of a much younger age. Now I have a new neck that I have been told makes me look 15 years younger.......Im very youthful. do the math if you can

with your neck .....with your new look....YOU ARE STILL A LOOOOOOSER!!!!!

if I'm walking down a dark street I'm inviting someone to mug me, right? If I park my nice car in the parking lot, I'm responsible if someone runs into it, right? Come on, don't be base irresponsible. We all have responsibility. She said no, he didn't listen. Clear.

Lucy, I'm a 18 year old male. And before you get all excited thinking this is some sort of come on you are ******* wrong. You're the worst type of person that there is. I really sincerely hope you ******* die alone and preferably in the back of some trunk as it plummets of a cliff into the ocean. Now poster (the main person in this) this was completely and utterly unmistakably rape. It doesn't matter of what your past with the male was cause as soon as you say no it's no. I feel for him in a way though too cause as a male who's not a "full" adult I can understand the urges he was facing. But he was in the wrong, please don't let old ****** like Lucy ruin that for you and make you feel wrong. As Dufus55 pointed out Lucy, you're the ugliest ******* hag in the world so shut the **** up and go hang out with your own cousin if this gets you off so much dammit.

8 More Responses

It must be really difficult for you to understand and judge the situation, as it involves someone near to you/family. <br />
Concentrate on your studies/hobbies that will help you to make your living better in future. Prevent similar situation from occuring again. If required take someone(independent) in full confidence and discuss. It is good that you dared to speak out ur emotions out here.<br />
May God Bless You