I Was So Drunk I Could Barely Walk.

                When I was twenty…two months after I turned twenty in fact I was with my cousin planning her boyfriend’s party. My cousin was my best friend and I pretty much spent a lot of my time with her. We were on Facebook looking at who to invite and she showed me his friend who I said was cute, and she told me he had a girlfriend and a kid. I didn’t really mind, it wasn’t like I was trying to find him and marry him. I just thought he was cute.

                Fast forward to the party, my cousin told me that her boyfriend’s friend was now single. I shrugged it off, not knowing what exactly she was getting at. I just wanted to drink and have fun; it was the first time I was allowed at a bar since we knew the owners. I was waiting for marriage anyway, going as far as to wear a purity ring which I had worn since I was fourteen, my cousin knowing this. Her boyfriend’s friend had drove over (he lived about two or three hours away), and smiled at me when I met him. He was really cute in person. I smiled back, politely and went to go get ready.

                At the bar, he and I had to drive to the local gas station to use their ATM since we only had debit cards and they didn’t accept those. We didn’t talk much but he was nice.

                When we got back I started drinking with my friends. He drank a beer or two. When I drink I get a bit touch-y feel-y but usually my cousin stops me. I remember hugging him and we kissed. Then I remember him saying “I’m getting her a Long Island. That will f--k her up.” I’m a light-weight and had already been very intoxicated as it was but I was at a point where I would drink poison if you told me it was good. On the way back to my cousin’s, I was put in the back of the van with him where everything starts to get hazy. I remember him touching me though. I remember him kissing me.

                When we got back to my cousin’s, I was so drunk I could barely walk. You could probably push me over and I would have fallen asleep. Usually at this point my cousin puts me in bed. This time though, someone pushed the boy and me into a hall closet. I had no idea what was going on at all. Time was moving by second by second. We were still kissing. I was so drunk I couldn’t think what would happen five minutes from then, or even the situation I was in. I was like a doll. I remember him undressing me, and not knowing what was going on. I remember him telling me to undress him but I said no. My memory is so patchy about that night. I just remember feeling a startlingly sharp pain, then feeling it again and again. I remember him whispering “Are you okay?” in my ear a few times before I lost consciousness again.

                When he was done and we were dressed we walked out of the closet where a room full of people congratulated him and made fun of me. I didn’t understand what had happened but on some level I grasped it: I wasn’t a virgin anymore. I looked my cousin in the eye and she smirked. I passed out.
                When I woke up the next day the boy sort of snorted to himself and one of the girl’s that slept over yelled “ANYONE TELL HER SHE’S NOT A VIRGIN ANYMORE?”, then my cousin said “I guess you should take off that ring then, huh?”

                I went home and it’s been more than a year. I still remained friends with my cousin until recently. A girl posted on Facebook about it and everyone started calling me trashy. My cousin and her boyfriend told everyone I met that I lost my virginity in a closet. Later I found out from someone at the party that I barely knew at the time that someone asked if I should be stopped and my cousin said no, I had planned this. I didn’t plan to lose my virginity to someone I didn’t know in a closet with ten or more people in the next room. I still don’t understand her reasoning behind it. She watched as I let my life fall apart, cutting off my own hair in my bathroom until it was to my scalp. Stop talking to all my friends except her, convincing myself I was a lesbian, and then realizing I wasn’t, then flip-flopping between the two until I could barely think. Carving words into my leg, cutting my arms over and over because I always felt like an empty shell, I couldn’t even cry. I just felt so numb, except for when his face would pop into my mind and my stomach would hurt.  She told me I wanted it that night and everyone could tell. She let everyone call me a w--re, she told me it was my fault. She told me when the boy and his girlfriend got back together then borrowed money from me to buy a dress for his wedding. Told me about all their conversations. I let her do it too. I clung to her. I convinced myself that she had been my best friend for years, she was my family. She wouldn't want to hurt me.

                I have finally let her go, and am starting to re-claim my life. I just want my life back. I feel so weak for letting it happen and for letting how I was treated afterward happen. I’m ready to finally be strong. I’m not a w--re and I wasn’t that night.
Momo29 Momo29
May 19, 2012