Something I've Always Been Ashamed Of...I've always hid it from people. Took me well over a year before I could even tell my best friend.
Partly because it took me well over a year to admit to myself that what happened was not consensual.
I stayed in such denial, it kills me. It wasn't violent, the situation was more of a if I don't just let this happen, it will get violent.
It was a woman I was friends with and her husband. I'd trusted both of them.
Technically it happened twice. The first I was 17 and I was so drunk and **** all the time I don't even remember what happened all that much. I was having trouble with a boyfriend and they were all let us help you. and I went with it, and I got instantly uncomfortable..... and I said I don't want to do this. and they were like just come on and they kept saying it til I just did it, I think the only reason they stopped is because I started to cry once he was actually in me. I tried going with it and ignoring how ******* gross I felt, but I did it anyway. I wasn't living with my mom,she was even more bat **** insane than this entire situation was, so no running there and I didn't know where to go, had no phone, so I was like, if you want a place to live, you have to. But once it got to me I cried. and He pulled out and they ****** right in front of me. Now It's still a little iffy on whether I say that's rape, I know that I said no too, but this one I still haven't let go of, I guess. Hell I went into the hospital a few months later cause I had a nervous breakdown, not just them, but my life,and I hid it then, I hid it from my counselor, along with the second time. I blamed myself.
But the second time I have no problem referring to it as such. This was my second time living with them Well her, he is a convicted sex offender and isn't allowed around her kids without an adult, thank goodness. But when they finally decided to stop bailing on me and leaving me with her kids for like a week or so straight. They came back and the kiddos were with grandma. They offered to take me out to eat and we got beer and smokes. they had a hotel room (from the night before because they wanted to have alone time) and I went back with them, and **** went down from there. I went to the room with them, smoking and he was drunk, well he was an alcoholic surprise surprise he was drunk. But they kept trying to get me to get on the bed with them, and I don't know how many times I said no. I was freaking scared and nervous and I started laughing, a bad habit I wish I could change, but needless to say I said no too many times to count. I even pushed him off when he came near me, but he thought I was being playful supposedly, and I said no, I don't want to, no no no. He was stronger than I was, and reached to my legs and pulled my pants off some, I kept saying no, a freaking giggly mess, and the ***** wasn't stupid, she knew me well enough to tell I was serious and ******* scared, but did nothing but lay there. Since I was on the other side of town, i kind of gave up. He got my pants off, I tried hanging onto the chair, but I still ended up getting pulled onto the bed by him. Next thing I knew he was in me, and telling me to touch her... I did, cause honestly i don't know what would have happened if I would've tried fighting back. and then he told her to get on my face. I literally stuck my tongue out and closed my eyes til it was over, she moved when she looked down and realized.....it took him forever to just stop...I laid there and stared anywhere else that I could til he pulled out and went for her. Thank god. My next reaction I will still never fully understand, I went and grabbed a few beers instantly chugging one or two down. and took more outside of the room, and stole his cigarettes, drinking smoking and crying, great combo. I called a friend of mine, I was in tears but you'd never know it and i told him what happened, but I kept saying I wanted it. I went straight into it's my fault mode and hid it for the next year and a half. Even to this day I have a hard time talking about it. One because mine wasn't what I think of when I hear the word rape, which is why I couldn't even begin to say it, my best friend and her mother were the ones who were like that's rape. Even then it took me another year before I could talk about it and say the word rape with it. But then reason two, I didn't think anyone would believe me, I was expecting most to laugh in my face or be like well Nikki sweetie it's your fault, you had it coming. I'm just so sick of not talking about it and hiding it. It's something I've hidden from I think all of my friends on EP, and it's because I've been ashamed. I've been scared, and to be honest I'm afraid that I'l have the reactions I feared from some people on here.
Greeneyedandcurious 22-25, F 13 Responses 13 Jun 10, 2012