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Something I've Always Been Ashamed Of...

I've always hid it from people. Took me well over a year before I could even tell my best friend.
Partly because it took me well over a year to admit to myself that what happened was not consensual.
I stayed in such denial, it kills me. It wasn't violent, the situation was more of a if I don't just let this happen, it will get violent.
It was a woman I was friends with and her husband. I'd trusted both of them.
Technically it happened twice. The first I was 17 and I was so drunk and **** all the time I don't even remember what happened all that much. I was having trouble with a boyfriend and they were all let us help you. and I went with it, and I got instantly uncomfortable..... and I said I don't want to do this. and they were like just come on and they kept saying it til I just did it, I think the only reason they stopped is because I started to cry once he was actually in me. I tried going with it and ignoring how ******* gross I felt, but I did it anyway. I wasn't living with my mom,she was even more bat **** insane than this entire situation was, so no running there and I didn't know where to go, had no phone, so I was like, if you want a place to live, you have to. But once it got to me I cried. and He pulled out and they ****** right in front of me. Now It's still a little iffy on whether I say that's rape, I know that I said no too, but this one I still haven't let go of, I guess. Hell I went into the hospital a few months later cause I had a nervous breakdown, not just them, but my life,and I hid it then, I hid it from my counselor, along with the second time. I blamed myself.


But the second time I have no problem referring to it as such. This was my second time living with them Well her, he is a convicted sex offender and isn't allowed around her kids without an adult, thank goodness. But when they finally decided to stop bailing on me and leaving me with her kids for like a week or so straight. They came back and the kiddos were with grandma. They offered to take me out to eat and we got beer and smokes. they had a hotel room (from the night before because they wanted to have alone time) and I went back with them, and **** went down from there. I went to the room with them, smoking and he was drunk, well he was an alcoholic surprise surprise he was drunk. But they kept trying to get me to get on the bed with them, and I don't know how many times I said no. I was freaking scared and nervous and I started laughing, a bad habit I wish I could change, but needless to say I said no too many times to count. I even pushed him off when he came near me, but he thought I was being playful supposedly, and I said no, I don't want to, no no no. He was stronger than I was, and reached to my legs and pulled my pants off some, I kept saying no, a freaking giggly mess, and the ***** wasn't stupid, she knew me well enough to tell I was serious and ******* scared, but did nothing but lay there. Since I was on the other side of town, i kind of gave up. He got my pants off, I tried hanging onto the chair, but I still ended up getting pulled onto the bed by him. Next thing I knew he was in me, and telling me to touch her... I did, cause honestly i don't know what would have happened if I would've tried fighting back. and then he told her to get on my face. I literally stuck my tongue out and closed my eyes til it was over, she moved when she looked down and realized.....it took him forever to just stop...I laid there and stared anywhere else that I could til he pulled out and went for her. Thank god. My next reaction I will still never fully understand, I went and grabbed a few beers instantly chugging one or two down. and took more outside of the room, and stole his cigarettes, drinking smoking and crying, great combo. I called a friend of mine, I was in tears but you'd never know it and i told him what happened, but I kept saying I wanted it. I went straight into it's my fault mode and hid it for the next year and a half. Even to this day I have a hard time talking about it. One because mine wasn't what I think of when I hear the word rape, which is why I couldn't even begin to say it, my best friend and her mother were the ones who were like that's rape. Even then it took me another year before I could talk about it and say the word rape with it. But then reason two, I didn't think anyone would believe me, I was expecting most to laugh in my face or be like well Nikki sweetie it's your fault, you had it coming. I'm just so sick of not talking about it and hiding it. It's something I've hidden from I think all of my friends on EP, and it's because I've been ashamed. I've been scared, and to be honest I'm afraid that I'l have the reactions I feared from some people on here.
Greeneyedandcurious Greeneyedandcurious 22-25, F 13 Responses Jun 10, 2012

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I'm ashamed cause I blame myself cause I'm the one who drank to the point where I couldn't defend myself. No matter how drunk I was I did say no, but I couldn't defend myself. When someone says no, it means no. The worst part is there was 4 other guys in the other room knowing what was happening, and they didn't do anything about it. It sickens me. If I was their little sister I'm pretty sure they wouldve helped me. I'm more cautious now on how much I drink

I am sorry you had to experience some of the worst kind of people that have the gall to consider themselves part of the human race. i am a father of three daughters and i have to say as a society we suck big time when it comes to this type of behavior. Rather than wait for our slow wheels of justice to get up to speed when it comes to dealing with people of this nature i think perhaps we can do more and faster by starting at home. I personally informed my daughters that under no circumstances will we ever doubt their story and that there is no excuse for this type of behavior. My wife and i let them know that even if they feel they could of done better on their part to avoid this type of crime it still is a CRIME.I made sure that they have some training in self defense and to not hesitate when they feel it necessary. Example i used is it does not matter if it's a boyfriend that they have been intimate with previously. If they say no then it's no i don't care if they willingly went to a motel or back seat of a car if at any time they change their mind their decision is to be respected. We all know that sometimes us men are easy to turn on and sometimes slow to turn off so take time to find out about them and their character, what kind of background they were brought up in. To enforce my support of them i have told each one individually i would not hesitate going to jail if they felt that was the only way they would feel safe and have some closure of the situation. I am by no means a prude or ultra conservative. They know how i feel about any sexual activities between to consenting adults no matter what the main stream of society may think. What they do and how they do it is still their call

You have nothing to be scared of. It's your story and your truth. No one can tell you how to feel. More than a few women I know have been raped, and I know it is because we live in a rape culture in which men believe that being forceful is akin to being persistent. I'm truly sorry this happened to you. I just don't have the words.

As you commented *right on* I entered your profile and among all ur stories here is 1 without reading felt happened who made me chose my answer...

How you felt is normal process for a raped person, you now aware of that? are you ok now from this?

Honey you are not responsible and you aren't the one who should be ashamed

Logically I know that, it's been a few years since it all happened, and I still have issues with calling it rape.

You were trapped in a room with them with no one to help you. And worrying about maybe becoming physically harmed was a very real threat. You should bear no guilt whatsoever from this horrid experience. We learn from the **** things that happen to us in life and hopefully move on. Surround yourself with good people and draw your strength from them. You have a great life ahead of you. Just don't let your demons get the best of you. Never be afraid to talk about the things that bother you. If there's one thing that EP has taught me, it's that there are usually many people on here who have dealt with and gotten beyond the same problems in their lives. Knowing that you are not alone can help remove the stigma of guilt while providing a support group for changes in your own life. Hit me up anytime if you want to talk about anything.

Thank you :-) You're very kind, I appreciate this :)

I meant what I said. You have too much potential for a great life to be saddled with guilt and depression. There are too many stories out there of people just like yourself who changed their lives for the better. For many that change began with a "**** it!" moment. They literally became so overwhelmingly fedup with their life and constant misery that they reached their breaking point. It was at thst moment that they said to themselves, "**** it! I am not going to live like this anymore!" They took charge of their life, stopped letting people and circumstances dominate their feelings, disassociated with negativity and replaced it with positivity. That change begins from within, an exercise of your free-will to change yourself.

****! That is so awful!

Yup, but those people aren't in my life, and I'm finally dealing with it lol
I hid it for so damn long I don't think I ever really dealt with any of it.

well it sounds like you have dealt with it.....put it away and moved on ;-)

Yeah trying. They were ********. And honestly with the support of the people I live with and everyone here on EP, it's easier to accept. And now that I see that I'm not totally crazy.... It's easier for me to admit what happened and that it isn't my fault.

I'm sorry you had to experience creeps like that. They should be locked up forever.

reading through these comments makes me realize that rape, abuse and depression are three things society doesn't do a good enough job of realizing the damage they take on people. I don't have rape/abuse struggles but I do have depression so I know the toll that one takes on a person...

Yeah depression is rough. I have some major depression, and it's hard. But I agree with you, society really doesn't do a good job on how to deal with any of it. A lot of people are scared and then there are the few who don't take it seriously.
Sorry you have to deal with depression. *hugs*

anytime you'd like to speak with me in further details, the lines are open *hug*

I've had my own battles with depression for the last 5 years (for different reasons) so I am aware of the toll it takes on you. Be that as it may, I have *zero understanding* for why someone has to treat you like they did n this story. No one needs to lose their virginity in that manner. <br />
<br />
I think we both are confronted with the challenge, as Mariah Carey says in "hero" to "look inside you and be strong" and see "the truth that a hero lies within you" as the more I listen to that song, the more I realize how well it describes the strength we need to find within ourselves (you and me both)...

My goodness love. My heart goes out to you. Don't be worrying about what other people say or react (which I don't think anyone would say things your afraid of hearing) because this site is VERY SUPPORTIVE of one another and there is so many of us (including myself) who have been raped and been where you were. But babe nothing to be ashamed of. You know what happened and you said no. NO means NO and IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT - NEVER! Breaks my heart that you would think it's your fault because babe it isn't. Your strong and brave for writing this story it takes a lot of encouragement and I think you'll be happy with the results and encouragement you'll get from you. Keep your head up and if EVER you want to talk I'M ALL EARS hun!!!!!!!!!!!!!! XXOXOXOXOXOXO Just want to give you a hug right now.

I really really appreciated this :) And the thing is logically I know that no one would say that, but that fear has been with me for the past few years. Never really shook it off for some reason. But especially on here, I think so much of all the people here, but I think my fear is of the people on EP thinking less of me I guess. I think to some degree I still haven't fully stopped with the blaming myself. Yeah no means no and I sure **** said it enough. Thank you for saying that, cause I felt freaked out writing it lol So having someone say something sooo positive is really really nice. And I know, you're a pretty kick *** person, like seriously. And awww thank you :P *hugs*
Oh and wanted to make sure I added this in, I'm soooo sorry that you've dealt with rape too. But it's another reason I admire you and view you as a "hero" to me. You've been through something else completely ****** up but you'd never know it, you're sooo crazy amounts of positive, it's sooo cool and helps me keep myself from getting down in the dumps.

So sorry to hear of your horrible horrible experience, and not just once, but twice! No! Means No! But I'm not sure you could've stopped it? I know I have a tendency to make sexual suggestions to and about you. I hope that doesn't make you uncomfortable.

you are not the first or the last till the system steps up and deals with it many males and female are raped each year others<br />
while it is reallyhard for a female it is worst for a male to be raped as the names you are called are way worst it you tell of other find out

I can agree with that, it's like when men get abused by women, you don't hear about it as often because the men are afraid, and I can't say I blame them some of society looks at it like it's bull. Which the same goes with rape you don't hear about it cause it's hard for them to come forward. Just like women, you're right the system needs to step. Tons of people get raped and never come forward. A big part due to the fact that soooo many people get away with rape when people do come forward. It's a sad sad fact.