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The Beginning: ****** Rape

I was first raped by my brother, Deedie, who is two years older than me when I was around six or seven. At that time, we lived in a one-bedroom house because my parents were financially unstable at that time.

Our family would go back to third street in Marrero whenever they hit financial hardships, they stayed in my grandma's old house but since she'd gotten sicker and was bedridden, my Auntie Mary decided to take care of her. My daddy probably also wanted to be near his family since we were never around them hardly ever. He probably wanted to be around his mom in her final days.

My mama had three teenagers from another marriage (along with my older brother from my father) all slept in the front room on a king-sized bed. The younger kids (including myself) slept on a mattress in my parents room.

The first time it happened, I was around six or seven. It happened while both my parents were in the room along with quite a few of my siblings. After that, I felt disgusted and didn't know how to explain what happened. Since it happened days after that, I knew I couldn't talk about it because no one in our family talked about the cycle of abuse.

So, that's what I thought my brother would do but the second time it came approaching, I pushed it again. He came from the back and got more aggressive. I didn't know what to say or if I should tell or not because this had never happened to me before. To top it off, my parents and the rest of my siblings were in the room talking and playing. I think he even was doing this to my mentally retarded sister as well. He came in and out of me while I felt ashamed and escaped in my mind from what he was doing.

It happened again when I was ten, probably before my second abuse (check out this story in the group, "I Have Been Sexually Abused" at EP Link This time he asked my younger brother, David (one year younger than me) to participate with him.

They both asked me to check something out outside. We still had a great relationship as brother and sister despite what had happened before especially since I had chosen to block it out of my mind and he was still moving forward as a normal boy in his life, so why couldn't I move on.

That time I felt like I was duped, like I was worthless and no one would understand what was happening so I kept it to myself.

After that, I never spoke to him or my younger brother about it again, they never bought it up, and neither did I. When I grew older, I never felt resentment or that they meant me no harm but I was upset at myself for allowing this to happen twice, and by the same brother from before. 

When we turned into teenagers, and puberty sunk in and I began to notice boys around my age and older, my younger brother asked me why I couldn't love him the way I loved my crushes and my other boyfriends?! Huh?! Was he serious?! I tried to explain to him that we didn't have the same kind of love, that we were siblings, and that my love for those guys was only infatuation - but he didn't get it.

A part of me feels like he didn't ever get it but as he got his own girlfriends, he knew my feelings for them and for him was different. Although a part of him does continue to go around choosing girlfriends that remind him of me because he has sort of an infatuation. I think we'll need to work with each other on what he wants more of for himself than this twisted obsession.

PLEASE OUT OF RESPECT FOR RAPE AND MOLESTATION VICTIMS:
I HAD TO EDIT THIS STORY FOR THE FACT THAT SOME MEN OR OTHERS WERE GETTING PLEASURE FROM STORIES OF THIS NATURE AND COMMENTING ON THEIR LUST FOR WHAT THE STORY WAS ABOUT.  
THAT BEING SAID, IT IS INDECENT AND DISRESPECTFUL WHEN I GLANCE THROUGH THE ACTIVITY OF THIS STORY AND READ PEOPLE TELLING ME HOW THEY'RE TURNED ON AND HAVE JERKED OFF TO IT. I FIND IT EXTREMELY DISTASTEFUL AND INAPPROPRIATE. I HAVE RECEIVED ALERTS ON COMMENTS ABOUT THIS STORY AND ONCE COMING TO THE PAGE NOTICE THESE COMMENTS THAT DISTURB ME BEYOND BELIEF. I KNOW IT HAS TAKEN ME A LOT OF TIME TO COMMENT ABOUT IT BUT I HONESTLY THOUGHT IT WOULD GO AWAY ON ITS OWN AND NOW THAT IT HASN'T, I FELT THE NEED TO ADDRESS IT. IF I NOTICE ANYMORE INSENSITIVE COMMENTS, I WILL DELETE THIS STORY AND THE COMMENTS.
I HAVE EDITED THIS STORY BECAUSE IT WAS TOO EXPLICIT BEFORE AND THAT CAN BE PAINFUL FOR SOME READERS, THEREFORE, I WILL NOT BRING THE OLD VERSION BACK. I HAVE TO BE AWARE THERE ARE ALSO PERVERTS ON THIS SITE WHO GET TWISTED PLEASURE FROM IT. FOR THE LONGEST TIME, I REFUSED TO EDIT IT BECAUSE I KNEW IT HAPPENED AS I'D EXPLAINED BUT A LOT OF PEOPLE DOUBTED IT. THE NEXT PERSON WHO DOES MAKE A NASTY REMARK, I WILL DELETE IT PERMANENTLY, NO EXCEPTIONS!!
DELETING IT IS SOMETHING I DO NOT WANT TO DO IS BECAUSE I BELIEVE THIS CAN HELP SOMEONE ELSE AND FROM THE POSITIVE COMMENTS I'VE RECEIVED, I'VE SEEN IT HAS. DO NOT TAKE AWAY FROM SOMEONE ELSE'S GROWTH. THANK YOU FOR YOUR OVER-STANDING.

 

Dimples87 Dimples87 22-25, F 121 Responses Jun 13, 2008

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(((((HUGS)))))) Thanks, Andrew for believing me as well and thanks for your compliment. I know what it's like to feel about the subject matter. I cringe even as a victim of this to know what it's like when I read or hear a similar story.

*hugs Dimples again*<br />
<br />
It's monstrous when a family accepts something like this. You and your brother were only children, as far as I am concerned. Your story had me asking myself what I would do if my Stunt Nephew (aged 5) ever molested his sister the Stunt Pixie (aged one). No matter how much I love him, I would come crashing down on him like a ton of bricks. No way I could turn my face away from something like that. And it would break my heart.<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
<br />
Andrew

P/s: I think I would be 100 times harder on my brother, his father. Because the parents are supposed to be looking out for their children.<br />
<br />
*hugs*<br />
<br />
AP

That's the normal, reaction, Andrew, but I come from a family where sexual abuse, molestation, rape and all of that was the norm. I mean, it happened throughout generations in our family and to be honest I am unsure of where it started and to be honest, I don't know if I even I want to know. It crushes me and my spirit to know a lot of people have to deal with this BS. I've seen it and have tried to prevent it whenever I even saw the warning signs but so many people are in denial because they want to keep their man or keep the woman in their life. They just either see this as a flaw in the person or the child is the problem (and if you ask me, that's far from the truth) but no one wants to examine themselves or throw the man or woman to the side because they don't know how it's changing the child from the inside out.

Your story is very well written. Unfortunately things happen in life and unfortunately they can have negative results and consequences. I am the youngest in a family of four. I am male. I do remember lots of exploring going on when I was young. At time some of the exploration occurred with children outside the family. I was never ever the instigator. In fact my sister appeared to be the one doing most of it. She always had "stories" that her older friends told her that she wanted to act out. She loved hanging around with older girls. Nothing significant ever occurred we were all very young at that time. It was mostly sexual curiosity. We knew that as boys and girls we were different. We sort of new that the organs used for peeing had some other purpose. Years after this exploration ended, I remembered becoming fascinated by breasts. But it remained a mystery to me until I was able to get my hands on a copy of playboy magazine. Something strange that occurred when I was in my teens leads me to believe that my brother and my sister continued with the sex play and whatever else into young adulthood. Of this I am not hundred per cent certain. Personally, none of this harmed me or my siblings very much. I believe a greater harm came from the conditions that we lived in, poverty and neglect. The neglect because our parents had to work hard to make ends meet. Although nothing is wrong with hard work, there are those who work much less and can afford much more. Life is often unfair and I can see how what you went thru at the time you went thru it can have very negative consequences. Clearly the effects on a male seems to be very different from the results on a female. For all of the obvious reasons, risk of pregnancy and childbirth been one of the main reasons. Without the proper social environment and conditioning from that environment, developing sexuality can be problematic for both males and females. Again I am not trying to be nonchalant about the consequences faced by females. As you mentioned in your story about your sister we are sometimes mentally incapable to handle some of the challenges life deals us. Guidance on some of these matters is seldom forthcoming. Finally, I am glad that you are in a good relationship right now. Best wishes.

I belong to a Middle Eastern country and I had similar experience with my older brother but not in my childhood. I was divorced at age 23 and had a nervous breakdown so I went to stay with him trying to heal. I was always crying and upset and one night he was holding me trying to comfort me then he started to like make love to me. When I realized what was going on I tried to stop him but he overcame my rejection and had a complete intercourse with me. It happened again next day and I just accepted it like it was destiny. I stayed for 3 months with him and became his full partner and when I refused to participate he would go ahead anyway. I got married again and he asked me many times to sleep with him but I said no.

It is always interesting to see that others have been through it as well.

i think u should have tell your parent

Kakuma1, my mama was sexually abused and raped by her father along with all of my aunts. When she told her mama, her own mom didn't protect her from their father but instead went on to do binge drinking. My mama dealt with it by acting out and looking for love in all the wrong places, which is also how I dealt not only with the abuse but with the death of my father.<br />
Anyway, my father would have torn into my brothers and I don't know how I would've handled it because I was scared, too. My mama would have swept it under the rug and went inside herself like she'd always do with that topic or have another personality of hers take over. I know I should have but I didn't know how to handle it and I was scared.

im terrible sorry for what heppen to you sister.i allwey think only a strega can do this but sims like im wrong. i wish u and your brother can talke about this and move on even thing the wont be d same.

We live in prudish, Puritan, Victorian society that is sex negative, that believes sex is bad, that if someone has sex with you without your consent, you have suffered some great loss. Voodoo works the exact same way, because its practioners believe it works. The suffering sexual abuse and rape survivors feel is all in their head. The more they tell themselves they have been damaged, broken, hurt, and destroyed, the truer it is. Tell a female that someone raped her while she was unconscious, she will experience all the trauma of a rape victim, even if she was never raped. If a female was unconscious when she was raped, and never realizes it, she experiences no depression, and suffers no loss. I have counseled hundreds of survivors. They say I have helped them more than all the therapists, psychiatrists, and psychologists they have seen their entire lives. But you never having met one of them know better than they do that I have not helped them. You have been brainwashed by society and have your own personal convictions and prejudices. Just like Jehova's Witnesses and Seventh Day Aventists nobody can tell you anything. If you believe something is real, it is real to you whether or not it exists. Voodoo spells kill people, and cripple them. There is no magic at work. The "victims" of Voodoo spells simply believe so strongly in Voodoo they convince themselves they have been injured. If you keep telling yourself over and over again how much you have been damaged and hurt by rape, it will of course damage you. A small percentage of survivors are not bothered by whatever sexual experiences they had in their past. These survivors told themselves from the begining that what happened to them was no big deal. That is what they believed, so it didn't effect them. I have counseled females who were subjected to verbal abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, and sexual abuse, and no love. They told me the worst part was the love they never got. They said they could have put up with every form of abuse, if only they had been loved. Then I encounter females who were loved and cherished, whose fathers once looked at them inappropriately or touched them inappropriately. Their fathers begged their forgiveness, but these daughters claim to this day their fathers ruined their lives. Some females survivors remain mostly unaffected by severe abuse, while others claim the most mildest form of abuse destroyed them. Up until a hundred to two hundred years ago it was normal for females who reached puberty to get married and have children. It is unnatural for teenagers whose brains are flooded with sex hormones to have to wait to 18 to have sex. People say 18 year olds are not mature enough to have sex. I say most 40 year olds are not mature enough to have sex. There are mature teenagers and there are immature adults. If a teenager commits murder you consider them mature enough to be tried as adults and given the death penaltiy. It all depends what shoe the foot is on. Parents don't want to lose their children and never feel right about them having sex. There is nothing horrible about sex unless you have a negative view of sex. I have treated a small number of "survivors" who tell me they are glad they were introduced to sex at a young age. They told me that they enjoyed sex when they were children, and they continue to enjoy sex, that they wouldn't have had it any other way. I would agree these females are exceptions, that most females claim that early sex damaged them. But I have to wonder what part of that damage came from societal mores, their parent's beliefs, and the beliefs of their peers. Most children of Muslims are Muslim. Most children of Christians are Christian. This is not a coincidence. When children are exposed to sex at an early age and everyone is telling them that what happened to them was awful, they osmotically absorb that belief and integrate into their being. Survivors don't want to understand. They need to hate (even though they say they forgave the person who raped them), they need to be self-rightous, moralistic and judgmental. They say they forgive, but they don't forget. And forgiveness without forgetting is not true forgiveness. Survivors who don't take my advice suffer depression their entire lives. They are never able to have a normal relationship with any other person. They have anger managment issues. They are unable to trust others. They fear intamcy. They engage in self-mutilation, and cut themselves. They are unable to enjoy sex. They are filled with bitterness and hate. They bury their feelings where they fester. Their anger is like a lake of magma below a volcano. It constantly vents. They attack their pets, lovers, employers, and strangers for no reason. They are very stubborn. They always know what is right. Those survivors who listen to me are healed within two years. Their past no longer has any control over them. They no longer fear triggering flashbacks. If there was loving God he would not allow children to be raped. Most individuals who rape children are not sociopaths. The brother who raped his sister here was simply horny and had nother other outlet for his sexual needs. He had no idea how much damage it would cause her. Yes Voodoo damage is just as real as any other kind of damage. When someone loses their arm because of a Voodoo spell their arm is just as useless as it would be if someone cut it off. People believe whateve they tell themselves is true. So, if you want to go through life judging feeling like you are in a position to judge others, thinking you know what others can or cannot do, you will be the one who suffers. If you fear emotional intimacy and wish to die without ever being able to share yourself with anyone else because that is the safest course of action, go right ahead. But you should know you can get over whatever happened in your past and use your past to your advantage.

@ frankshore: i agree that one can overcome what happened to them in the past but, trust me, rape is bad, negative and those that have been made to have sex without their consent have suffered a huge loss. anyone that attempts to trivialize it obviously hasn't been raped.sex in itself isn't negative but RAPE is!

I WOULD KILL EM BOTH i dont know what its like but almost everyone in my family had this happen to em i have personly put two unlcles in the hospital and 4 cuzins sick basterds if i ever meet yo brothers i would chop off they d*#+s and shove em in eachothers mouth and kick em in the throte my love and respct goes to u im sorry about what happend

@FrankShore: I don't agree with you. Every woman, if she knows about sex and what sex is, she knows what's right and what's wrong regarding the topic. I mean, if you're aware of your body especially your vagina, you'll know and feel when someone has penetrated you or at least I'd know if someone penetrated me, because I know the difference between how I feel before and after. Usually, in relationships, men have to ask to have sex with the woman and in marriages we show our partners we're giving them permission by putting both he and I in the mood by playing music, lighting candles, having an intimate dinner and other things because we're comfortable with our partners - but yet and still, we know the difference between having sex and not having sex with someone.

@FrankShore: So you focus on the victims. They should just accept. Reject their pain and distress simply because, according to you, these are but reflections of how biased society makes us all when it comes to sex. That way they wouldn't feel like - or even be - victims anymore.<br />
And, about the rapist, you say Dimples87's brother "was simply horny and had nother other [sic] outlet for his sexual needs" and "had no idea how much damage it would cause her".<br />
Are you effin insane ????<br />
One of the biggest steps for a rape victim towards recovery is precisely to become able to coolheadedly acknowledge that they have been raped, that it was a form of torture and, on the rapist's part, a hardly forgivable crime. So, according to you, the pain, the discomfort, the hatred towards oneself, the tears and the distress are all but side-effects of our being brainwashed by society. You're stating that society has such a control over our very bodies, feelings and emotions that they are not worth paying attention to, and that we might as well just ignore them ! This is downright idiotic ! Then what in the hell are nerves and a brain for ? I think you never helped anyone with such insanities but if you ever counseled anyone, then you're the one who brainwashed them into ignoring the signals of their body, brain and heart, regardless of how vital they are !!<br />
As for the criminals, know that empathy is absolutely essential to a healthy society and a healthy life. It goes far beyond just a species preservation mechanism. It is essential to social interaction and to pretty much every feeling one has towards someone. But mostly, empathy is NOT an option. Everyone has the ability to feel pain and all the unpleasant feelings mentioned above and, because of that, everyone else, in return, has the right to expect from others that they consider their feelings, all the time, when engaging in any activity, no matter whether the criminal is ignorant of the risks there might be. So say a boy wants his ***** into something warm and fluffy. If he rapes someone, then he is to be punished for not taking his victim's feelings into consideration before and during what is a crime. And no one is to blame the victim for making it just what it is: a gruesome act of lowness.<br />
Now get this: sadistic people can be cured, because they themselves know they do wrong because of impulses they are the first to want to get rid of. They use their empathy, despite everything. However, people who are ignorant of the suffering they cause, like Dimple87's brothers, can hardly be taught right. Hardly can one get them to even realize there is something wrong at some point. Sounds paradoxical, doesn't it? It's not. Now this: delusional people like yourself are ignorant people, as described above, but with extra insanity, which makes it nearly impossible to get them back on tracks.<br />
You are a living danger for everyone out there who might stumble upon any of your mad ramblings.

pastafasol, do you have to work at being an ******* or was it a gift from god? ******* beast!

Have you tried Pandys.org?<br />
Please check out this website. It's for survivors like you. It's amazing with supportive people and information to help, vent and understand.

i think that you need to talk to your brother you should tell him how his actions has affected you maybe bring closure to that part of your past. Is your brother married n does he have children. What if he is doing the same abuse to his kids

Cindy, I have talked to my brother about this because he came to me and apologized for what he'd done. In one of my recent stories, I wrote about it and I stated that I have since forgave him. He is married and it was his wife who was also abused by her biological father who got him to apologize to me. The reason he said he did what he did was because my half-sister who is older than the both of us, had sexually abused him and you know she was abused as well but then again all of us were and none of us ever broke the cycle (at least until recently) and she taught him what power his penis had. With that power, he did what he did. He isn't abusing his daughter, and this I do know for a fact. Her mom won't allow it, he won't allow himself to go there, and neither will I.

how will either you or your sister in law keep him from sexually abusing your neice, i guess you two have answer that not been established as of now.

I was penetrated by my father once sometimes twice a day age seven for a year. It is something I can never forget and so sad to me that most no body even cares my own mom did nothing and still happily married to him over 60 years. It is proven he done it to me as an adult I opened an investigation.He was found guilty of penetration. The scars on me are still there because I am crying at this moment about it. I am 40 years old. Its like it stays with you for a lifetime it is a part me. It was forced on me with nothing I or anyone can do to change it. I desire that no other child on this earth ever has to live through something like that and feel so unloved by those that are the caregivers.

I am the victim the one that was mere child seven years old at the time. To this very day my whole family judges me like I am the perpetrator. Like I am the problem the one with the sick mind the onto blame for everything. Even my dad the molestor puts the reason if did it to me because I am an adopted child and he did not do it to my sister that is the same age as me because she is his biological child

People think that you have to be strong to be a hero. (That's not true.)
Kids can be heroes too,because They bear the pain with determination and patience , That adults are not able to do so.
believe me ,you are a HERO

Thankyou for such line words. I always say that my children are my personal heroes the type that Mahria Carey sings about. There dreams and desires are much sweeter than anyone that I have ever met.

Bless your heart im so sorry :'(

I was 9 when my Step sister who was 17 angry and bitter first touched me. She was baby sitting me and "helping" me wash up for bed and making me put clean uderwear on she soaped up her hand and started to wash my "front" and "back" I of course got an erection which made her concentrate on that saying it was OK and "doesn't it feel good?" It did but i knew we should not be doing it. She made me go into bed without my under wear and said she wanted to just keep rubbing me like i was a cow and her a farmer. I got on the bed on myhands and knees and she would rub my like she was milking a cow. She stopped doing that and took both her hands and spread my bum cheeks and started to kiss my bum. and after a few kisses she used her tongue to push up into my anus. i was kneeling like that for at least 15 minutes while she did this. I thought it felt good but when she finished she told me to never tell any one or I would get in trouble.But if i liked it she would do it for me again next time she baby sat.

But besides how it felt physically to you, how did you feel emotionally? Did it impact your adult life in any way? Have you seen or been around your step-sister since? Did you confront her? If so, what happened?

i feel srry 4 ya

I think your brother is twisted and God know how many other children he molested already, I am A license behavior therapist and sure that child molesting can begin it behaviors at an eary age, You need to do some investigation into his personal lifestyle, he's got some problems.

Can you add me or lowere your restrictions?

Your story touched my heart sister....keep your head up and trust Jesus

Your story touched my heart sister....keep your head up and trust Jesus

horrible uncaring brother

The worst part that hurts me the most is you trying to justify your brother's actions which,to be very frank,are absolutely inexcusable!Do you realize that?i hope you find the courage to confront him and get him imprisoned,also to face that he has been anything but a brother to you.God bless!