Innocent

It all started when I was roughly 5 and lived in Atlanta. My memorys have been fogged over time when im conscious but ill do my best to remember. I had two older brothers whose friends love to hang around. We had a creek and woods behind my home. We all started to build a fort about 10 minutes out. My next door neighbor, shelton used to always ask me to go work on the fort with him. First trips he just made me feel uncomfortable but I still wanted to be accepted and work on the fort so I kept going. As things progressed he started making me do things I had never imagined. i was so scared. I remember how cold and uncomfortable the leaves were on the ground. I also remember the ongoing fear of someone finding us and being so ashamed. I was so little yet feeling guilty for actions that werent mine. Shelton was pretty mean to me. He was gentle with me but told me exactly what to do. This continued for maybe a year. Them another one of my brothers other friends Craig started sneaking in my room. I don't really remember what he did I just remember how insanely painful and forceful he was. I would beg him to stop yet he wouldn't. Or maybe I just begged in my mind. I'm unsure, either way it was dreadful. He didn't last as long as shelton but was scarier cause I felt so vulnerable and weak against him. I was too afraid to say anything to anyone in fear he would hurt me. Well we moved away when I was maybe 8 and things seemed promising. I knew I was far away for those demented boys but my nightmares were so bad. During daytime, I was a normal girl. If I had a friend over I was fine. Yet anytime I was alone especially at night fear completely took over. I would either stay up all night to ensure my safety or try to sleep and be constantly tortured by nightmares. I began to sleep with my brother. I love my brother more than anyone, he is genuinely the sweetest laid back guy I know. However over time he began to mess around with me as well. He started when he thought I was asleep and just feel me up. Time passed and things escalated alot. We never had actual sex but everything up to it. But he was very sweet and meant no harm. He just was a curious kid. I still was so messed up mentally though cause even my sweet brother only seemed to want me for cheap physical needs. My mom eventually caught us, he got in alot of trouble and I was so fearful I would too but my mom is just so sorry she did not catch us earlier. Many years pass and I develop a strong relationship with Christ and he immensely eases my pain and helps remove bad memories. Alright fastforward to when i'm about 16 and going on a mission trip to Costa Rica. I develop a relationship with this guy I've always known but never really been friends with. The trip as amazing and we got to witness to so many sweet children. Our trip took place In the mountains so when we can back down the altitude change makes a number of us pretty sick. Then we left the next day to fly back home. So before the plane ride I took a good amount of various medications people told me would help. (Not to mention I get very nauseous on planes) so I was pretty drugged up. But we got home just fine but had to take a charter bus a couple hours home. The boy sits next to me which is fine with me. I pass out in no time along with eveyone else. It's like 3am after a long week. I get awakened some time later to him giving a massage. I don't mind, it feels amazing. Then in and out of consciousness I realize his hand going alot farther than i realized and my bra is off. This all just really confused me. Then I woke up again later to him doing other things to me and wanting so badly to tell him to stop. I don't know if it was the medication or my internal fear of boys that kept me from making him stop. Either way, my insides were screaming yet I couldn't move. We arrive home and I haven't talked to him since. I'm 18 now and alot better but still extremely damaged. Last year Craig contacted me through Facebook and it was the most amazing thing. It scared me to death but he just apologized and stressed his remorse. It felt so good knowing atleast someone realizes how cruel they were and attempted to apologize. I accepted and he wanted to be friends. I declined and said it would be best to leave it there. I keep havin these dreams and whenever I wake up it's him I want to talk to. So I messaged him back and now we are growing a relationship. I'm very excited yet scared at the same time. Seeing his pictures on fb makese cringe and breakdown. We just have this weird twisted bond. I was wondering if any other girls have had contact several years after or can relate to the attraction between me and him.
Phoenixjade Phoenixjade
18-21
Nov 26, 2012