Tall, Dark, And Handsome. My Worst Enemy.

Please be patient with this. I remember everything so clearly. I need to write it all down somewhere.
We met just over a year ago. I was 18, still a senior in high school, he was 21, a second semester junior at the local art college where I live. I had friends who were beginning their freshman year and I was visiting them their first weekend. His roommate saw us at a gas station and told us there was a party going on at his place and that we should all come by.
I saw him the moment I walked in the door. He was tall, dark and handsome. I couldn't help but stare. An hour and one or two beers later, he approached me. He introduced himself. My god he was so gorgeous. All I was thinking was how I wanted to hook up with him. We talked for a bit, exchanged numbers, and that was that. Nothing more.
Over the next couple of months we would text occasionally and I would see him at parties, we would catch up, and that was that. Nothing more. A few more months went by and I was getting busier with my senior year. I was going to parties less and trying to keep my grades up. I eventually forgot about him, ended up dating a guy who had graduated the previous year from my school. It didn't last long and I ended it with him February of this year. Towards the end of that month I received a text from Mr. Tall dark and handsome.
At that point I hadn't spoken to him in about three or four months. I was ecstatic. We began to catch up a little and he told me that his birthday was coming up that weekend and that I should go. Of course I agreed. We talked a bit more then the conversation was over, and that was that. Nothing more.
The next day he texted me again. I thought I'd just won the jackpot. I told him I was studying for my exams, that I couldn't really talk. Then after some persuading we both agreed I needed a break. He asked me out for coffee and an hour later we met half way between each other at a Starbucks. We talked about our interests, our Christmas Break, why he hadn't seen me the last few months. A lot of things. I should have taken his arrogant behavior and outright admittance to him being an ******* as a warning to keep my distance. But I found it enduring. An hour or so later I realized the time. We hugged goodbye with a promise to see each other soon, and that was that. Nothing more.
A few days later he asked me out to dinner. A dinner turned into a dinner and dessert; then a dinner, dessert, and a movie; then dinner, dessert, a movie, talking and another movie; then we had sex for the first time. The next night was his birthday party. We both got lucky that night.
He and I were never serious. We never dated. We continued having sex. We continued hanging out. We got really close to each other. I knew him better than his closest friends and family, and vise versa. the whole "friends with benefits" thing went on for months. At parties we had a sort of unspoken rule though. That we would go around talking with our friends as usual, maybe scope out a potential hook up, but if by the end of the night both of us came up empty handed, we would go home together. We were with each other the majority of the time. When we weren't together we were either texting or on the phone talking. The more time we spent together the more I saw he was an *******, and the more I ignored it. Eventually I fell for him. He had never been anything other than honest with me. He made it clear he didn't want a relationship. I knew how he was but for some reason, I fell for him.
This was a problem. I finally fessed up and we agreed to take a break. We agreed that things had gotten comfortable and that after this break we would reevaluate the situation.
A few weeks went by and we got together and talked. We thought that maybe the break would change things, that we would grow apart and we wouldn't need each other anymore. But things hadn't changed in the slightest. The only thing that had changed was that I knew to never fall for him again.
We began to hang out again and we continued having sex. Everything went back to the way it was before. Still knowing he wasn't any good and still ignoring it. Finally my freshman year of college began. We were both in the same college now. (I can honestly say I did not base my decision of going to this college on a guy. It was about money. They practically paid me to go there so I couldn't refuse). A week went by and I realized I couldn't stand him anymore. I broke things off through a drunken text. Told him I never wanted to speak to him again. That what we were doing was pointless. That he was the biggest ******* I had ever met in my entire life, and that was that. Nothing more. We didn't speak for a month. We avoided each other as best as possible in one of the smallest art schools. Which translates to we saw each other everywhere. It was painful at first. Then it didn't matter. Then we began making small talk.
I regret the night I made this decision but I was bored and I honestly missed him. I called him up and we decided to hang out. I went to his place, we caught up and watched TV. Then I decided it was best I went home. The next night we hung out again, but this time we had sex. He made me regret it immediately. We got in an argument soon after and I left infuriated with him.
Over the next few weeks things got worse. We continued to see each other, we continued to have sex. We continued on like nothing was wrong. But things had changed. We became abusive towards each other. not too an extreme measure but when we would jokingly roughhouse each other things would get a little too rough. He would slap me some times, not particularly hard but he would slap me. I would just punch him back in the gut. Finally I began to come to my senses. I would try to correct things that were wrong. I lessened the amount of abuse. Then finally I tried to end it all. We both agreed things had gone wrong and that we needed space. We decided to cut sex out of our friendship.
It would have been fine. But fighting continued. it was stressful. One night while he was working on his BFA I found him at the school and told him flat out that After all we had been through, after all the things I knew about him, I wanted him. But I knew that that wouldn't change anything between us. It wouldn't magically make him mine and it wouldn't fix all the problems we had. We fought more and a day later we decided to give an actual friendship a real try.
Again, it didn't work. we had sex. Then I truly decided I had had it. We wouldn't speak of it. We wouldn't talk about it. I had made up my mind and we were never going to have sex again. About a week went by and it was like we were actually going to make a friendship between us work. There was no stress, no fighting. We got on well. I was relieved.
It happened on a weekend. Just over a week ago. At this time I was already trying to pursue another guy. We had seen each other earlier on Friday night and we were talking about what parties were going on. He told me about a few but said he wouldn't be going. His BFA was due that coming Monday. and he had a lot of work he needed to do. Later that night I ended up at one of the parties we had discussed. Had a fair share of alcohol one bad decision lead to another. I made my way over to where he was working on his BFA just to say hi, to see how his work was coming along, and then I would be off to the next party.
Almost as soon as I got there he realized how drunk I was and asked for my keys. I wouldn't give them to him and when he tried to take them from me I tried to unsuccessfully shove them down my throat. I got mad at him and kept annoying him so that he would give them back so I could leave. The guy I was talking to called me asking where I was. I told him I'd be there soon. I got off the phone and started to complain. He told me to shut up, that he would take me to the party if I shut up for a bit. A while later he got frustrated, threw a bit of a tantrum, and got up asked if I was coming. I didn't say a word, I just got up and followed him. We didn't speak the entire car ride to the next party. I asked him if I should find another ride home. He said no and that was the end of that conversation. The party was really dying down by the time we got there. But I made sure I got my hands on some alcohol before we left. I caught up with my current interest and we made plans for after the party to meet up. He and I were both drunk and had different drivers. About 30 minutes and a good amount of gin later, Mr. Tall dark and handsome signaled that it was time to head out. I was definitely drunk, I couldn't walk properly but I was still aware of what was going on around me. We got in his car and I thought he was taking me back to my place. But he didn't. He stopped right in front of his house. I thought it was a little strange, but I didn't ask questions. I was used to his place. I liked being there. We got inside and I plopped myself down on his couch. we watched TV and I cuddled up next to him. It was a natural reflex to me. An hour went by and my current interest began to text me and call me, asking where I was. Mr. Tall dark and handsome began to get really mad. He even took my phone away from me. I told him I was getting tired, I knew I was still drunk. I looked up at him and said he needed to take me home. That I was getting tired and he needed to start working again anyways. He agreed, we both got up and I put my coat on.
He came up behind me and wrapped his arms tightly around my waist. He began kissing my neck and it felt so good. But I knew enough of what was going on to tell him to stop. He didn't stop and he moved his hands up my thighs and under my dress. I told him again to stop and I tried to push his arms away. I was so drunk that pushing his arms away turned into me resting my arms on his. But I kept saying stop. He moved me to the couch and I was on top of him. I told him I was tired and I needed to go home and he needed to work. He just stared at me with this look in his eyes. I tried to stand up but he pulled me back down. I couldn't see any way around it anymore. I kept saying stop. But he wouldn't and I eventually gave up. It was finally over and I told myself to just ignore it. I guess I was still pretty drunk because I did that pretty successfully. He drove me home. I went up to my place. Opened the door and was instantly frustrated. My roommate had her boyfriend over and they were both snoring. I felt like the walls would start shaking. I tried calling my current interest. I needed to get away. I needed to forget. I needed sleep. He had passed out. Not giving it two thoughts. I called up Mr. Tall dark and handsome. He took me back to his place. he left me there and I finally had peace and quiet. I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. I woke up later the next afternoon alone in his bed. I was angry. I wasn't sure why but I knew I was mad at him and I knew something had happened the night before but I couldn't think of it. I grabbed my purse and found my phone. I had a text from him. "You alive?" told him to come pick me up. I had lost my patience for him.
He walked in the door 20 minutes later and looking at his face made me sick. He sat beside me on the couch and he told me he needed to apologize. He apologized for letting me witness him losing his temper when he was working on his BFA. Then he apologized for "what happened later." I almost had my finger on it. He said he wasn't himself. That what happened should not have happened. I was furious. I told him it wash't ok. I told him to take me to my car so I could go home. We got to the parking lot and I didn't even remember where I had parked my car the night before until I saw it. He pulled over and we both got out. I headed straight to my car with him following me. He was saying something but I wasn't listening. I didn't look back. I got in my car and began to cry. I made myself stop because there were a lot of people walking by and I drove home. It wasn't until I got in the shower that everything that had happened the night before finally began to sink in. I broke down completely. Every detail clear as day came rushing back to me. I wanted to die.
I pulled myself together. I got out of the shower. Dressed myself. and went to find Mr. Tall dark and handsome. I pulled him away from his work and we went for a walk. I laid everything out for him. I said everything without saying the most important word. I couldn't say it. He kept apologizing. Saying he had no idea, he didn't think that was what was happening. I felt so sick to my stomach I got up and walked away as fast as I could. I got in my car and saw him coming after me. I sped off and reached another parking lot. I pulled my phone out, called him. Crying and screaming I asked what the hell made him think it was a good idea to come after me. I hung up and began to drive. I drove towards a river. I parked there. I wanted to die. I considered driving right into the river. The more I thought about it I realized that my car wouldn't make it down all the rocks. to the river. I got out of my car and went to sit under A tree. I stared into the river. I considered going down to it and never coming back.
Then he called me. It is still a blur but I I ended up back where he was. We argued more. we fought. He told me how sorry he was. He was really messed up about it I could tell. The fighting continued the entire weekend. I could barely make myself get out of bed. But I made myself do it. I carried on about my weekend as normal. But not really there. I had my routine of working all day, going out at night. I carried on conversations normally. No one could know. But I felt dead inside. Every time I came across him we fought more and talked more. Then finally last Monday came around and I knew what I needed to do. I waited around all day. I felt sick to my stomach. I decided I would never let myself act the way I did this weekend. I couldn't let my trance like state continue. That night I pulled him aside and I finally said all I needed to say. I finally said it out loud for the first time that he raped me. That I could never forgive him. It didn't matter what he had to say on the subject. I had said stop that night, repeatedly. He didn't listen to me. He didn't care about me or respect me. I told him I wanted nothing to do with him anymore and that I never wanted to speak to him. He got the bright idea that he could yell at me. He yelled and I told him I hated him. He yelled more and finally I couldn't stand it anymore and I slapped him. I wanted to keep hitting him. I wanted to crush him. I wanted to make him feel what I had felt I wanted him to feel what it was like to want to die. To feel so hopeless and dead inside. But one slap had to be enough. I slapped him and walked away. I haven't spoken to him since.

I know I am not ok. writing this even now, writing down practically every detail, it feels like a horrible dream. I know I am not ok. I don't know if I ever will be, really. But I can't let myself become as hopeless and depressed as I was just two weekends ago. He was everything to me. As ****** as that is. He was everything. But now he is nothing. I refuse to let him take more that what he already took. I refuse to let what he did to me ruin my entire life.
It as just been over a week since he raped me. I have nightmares and wake up every morning in a cold sweat. I have tried going to parties. I have had drinks. I even made out with one guy, but when he tried to pull me away from the crowd I began to beak down. I will never be the same person I was. When I go out in unfamiliar places like restaurants I avoid the looks from guys. I think twice about everything when the opposite sex is involved. I have been scared every day since it happened.
I have been on Thanksgiving break. Tomorrow is my first day back to class. I know I will see him. Running into him on this campus is inevitable. I am scared of what will happen. But whatever happens. I refuse to let him see me weak. This is his last semester at this school. After these next two weeks before Christmas break, I will never have to see him again. Until then I will be as strong as I can. He will not see a tear run down my cheek.

survivor207755 survivor207755
1 Response Nov 26, 2012

I am sorry but i could not find the part he raped you...