Flip Flopping And My Thoughts To My Rapist

I'm always going to flip flop about whether to tell my boyfriend about my rape, as it only happened 2-nearing 3 months ago everything is still so fresh and scary to me and as I am still seeking a therapist I have not dealed yet.
many people have gotten in touch with me about their experiences and ive had male opinions and stories , two latest ones showed the upsides of how supportive they were and were very honest about how it has taken some things away from their relationships and that they are trying to build it back, they say it has made them closer but they have issues still. one man told me how he was restless with anger and the need for revenge and for closure, he sounded so pulled down with hatred I yearned for him to be okay. the other man said how he himself had had to undergo counselling just to know how to deal with the idea of someone he loved being hurt. it had turned their lives upside down too and gave them something to work on. This is what i do not want at all for my boyfriend, he always says "your problems are my problems" but this would end me to know I had put him through this angst and pain over something an hour or two of my control being taken away by some lowlifes they are not worth any pain my boyfriend would feel and they arent worth mine which is why I am going to deal my own way and become stronger for it, it will be hard at times of course because it is ******* hard right now but I have officially hit my bottom the only way truely is up. **** you ___ you "took care" of me that night you said in your smug way and turned my life upside down until I only ran on fear and paranoia and self guilt. you can see me as a drunken easy option all you want and tell yourself it was a one night fling by a girl out of it all you want but deep down you know this should never have happened I am only 18 you were 21 I am no longer a product on your mind while you haunt mine. I will become stronger and I will walk with my head held high and my blood full of love you took away my memory my who I was and mu self worth but you won't take away the one thing that means the most to me.

If after counselling or even over the years I turn to my boyfriend and one night I feel I will tell him. If I look into his eyes and feel the courage and strength to utter the sentence then I will, but for now while we are both young and in the prime of our lives I will let us be unconditionally happy - the only thing we are when we're together. I will not let him be led by the need for blood and revenge I will not let him look at me with sympathy and the need to tell my he loves me excessively. I never lost my trust for him nor will I ever. This event made me appreciate the goodness that is his soul more than ever. he is my antidote when the nights get too dark without having to explain.
Until I can utter the sentence of my story without crumbling I will leave him oblivious he and I both deserve the happiness we have found with one another.
I want to know I can do this alone before he helps me (if i tell) just for me.

Its a terrible thing but I'm not alone, I will survive
gunsnrose gunsnrose
18-21, F
4 Responses Nov 29, 2012

Very tricky this one If your were my girlfriend would like to know ,especially as you are obviously suffering and very down ,but then would be angry enough to want the scumbags to pay for the way they treated you. so not sure if your boyfriend would feel the same and want to deal with it himself which could lead to more big problems , maybe you should consider using the law to help put things right . and just remember victims have no reason to feel guilty or ashamed .

venting here for now is better than telling your BF

I may be out of line when I say this, who ever did that needs to be stopped. Even if you was the 1st more likely than not you wont be the last. Theres a kind of rule in human nature that starts early in life, we have to test bounderies, the more we get away with the more we push. So the scum **** that got you will feed off that victory, next time it may be some girl much younger or more violent. Maybe you kid sister. I have little to no faith in law inforcement, however I strongly believe in justice. We can't allow **** like that to victimise you or anyone else. Its up to you at this point to get that **** off the streets, a old fasioned neutering party wouldn't be out of line. I know its easy to coach the game sitting on a couch. Perhaps you could talk with a prosecutor, but you need to do something.

One of those people said something about not telling your boyfriend and then later down the years you do. I kind of agree with them. He might feel hurt or that you didn't trust him. But you have to do what you feel is right for you now.
I suggest you start keeping a journal or diary. Just write something every day. How you feel, what made you laugh that day, just a sentence every day. Or more. Be honest and truthful, it's for you.