Raped By My Brother

My half brother didn't live with us, he was much older (I was 12 and he was 30). My dad had been married before so we have different Mum's. I've always thought of my half brother and sisters and my brother and sisters though, and loved them as such. As I was growing up it was a real treat for us to have one of them come to stay for the weekend, they were older and cooler and did fun stuff with us.
When I was 12 I thought I was cool and mature, what 12 year old doesn't?! I loved my brother, and enjoyed spending time with him. One night when everyone else was in bed, we were up late playing cards and watching TV, when we kissed. Things quickly progressed from kissing, to snogging, to him having his hands down my pants. I didn't really know what he was doing but it felt good and I felt grown up and sexy.
He went home the next day and I didn't see him again for a few months. We talked alot, and he was always texting me. He would text me really rude things, but also really loving things, like he was in love with me. I was in love with him. I told a friend at school, and she wasn't too sure of what was happening but I was happy so she was supported me I guess.
I went to stay with him and his wife. After she had gone to bed we stayed up and he made me go down on him.
I guess it was normal for me and my siblings to stay with our bigger siblings so nobody ever suspected anything.
It went on in a similar way - he would buy me elaborate presents, we saw more of him, things would get heavier. I was scared and excited by it. I loved him.
We had sex when I was 13 and he was 30. It only happened once. We didn't use a condom, he said it would hurt me. My whole family were in bed in the same house. I remember sneaking down to my bedroom and barely sleeping a wink that night. Getting up to go riding the next day. Never saying anything.
After that I lost my bottle. I didn't want to talk to him anymore. I still don't know why, even to this day. Did I realise it was wrong?
I don't think I really realised until I was about 16/17 what had happened and how wrong it was. I thought I was in love with him - but he had groomed me. I was angry and shouted at him. He didn't come to see us anymore, he kept his distance. I never told anyone until I was 18 I told my half sisters. They were appalled and disgusted. They respected my wish not to do anything. He has a wife and daughter - though I worry for the daughter as she is severely disabled and would never be able to say anything if he did anything to her.
I could never have said anything while my Dad was alive - it would have broken his heart, and I know he would have gone and killed him with his own bare hands. Now he is gone, I feel like I could tell people.. but then whats the point in raking over old ground? It would hurt my Mum but I know she would be able to deal with it.
I guess the reason I'm writing is to see if anyone has a similar experience, or if you can offer any advice.
It does bother me. I do feel guilty like I let it happen because I loved him. I feel like an idiot for letting it happen. I think it bothers me more know than it ever has. My sex life is strained. My fiance is patient, and he knows whats happened, but I don't know why its suddenly affecting me so much when I've lived with the secret for 12 years.
Legless399 Legless399
22-25, F
Dec 2, 2012