I Was Raped...

in my college dorm room. April 7th of my freshman year. I knew the guy. He was supposed to be one of my closest friends. He told me he wanted to take pictures of me. He liked photography and he was into film-making so I thought nothing of it. It wasn't until he started grabbing at my clothes and pinning me down against my will that I realized something was seriously wrong...

I couldn't fight him off and no one answered my cries for help

I went to the police after it happened.
I did everything I could but my university said it didn't happen, my lawyer told me I wouldn't be able to convince a jury of his guilt in a "he said/she said" case...and so he got a slap on the wrist and if he went to some bs drug classes, his record would exponged after a year.

A year!

Four years later...my life is in shambles. I have horrible social anxiety...difficulty looking people in the eye and dealing with large crowds. I'm constantly fearful of being attacked...even in my own home...I have flashbacks. I'm an insomniac. I feel like everyone can see that I'm damaged. I have very few friends because I don't trust people. And I wouldn't want to drag them through this mess anyway. I feel like I've caused my family so much pain with all this...sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't have just been better to keep my mouth shut...I'm still struggling with all this.

The therapist I went to about this was awful. She couldn't remember my name from week to week, she forgot appointments, she took personal calls during our sessions...she just made me feel so unimportant...like my problems weren't big enough to warrant her time, but I feel like I'm falling apart. I used to be a happy person. Now I struggle even to get out of bed some days. My anxiety and the feelings of guilt and shame are overwhelming.

I know none of this was my fault...I just wish I could heal and move past it all
Erin518 Erin518
2 Responses Dec 2, 2012

Your experience is similar to mine.. Having problems trusting people, not being able to look people in the eyes, social anxiety, etc. I can say it does get better. I hope that you have been able to do some healing. It took me a very long time to finally come to the point where I was close to my pre-attack self. I wish you well in your recovery!

Life will go on. You may never forget, but rape doesnt ruin your life.