Going Through The Motions

I wish I could stop going through this mix of emotions, one minute I'm fine and feel so happy because I feel I can live my life the same and still feel good, I get so happy but then a wave washes over me and I realise how severe it is what I've been through, I feel so ******** of freedom and youth, I just envy everyone for their live's, I'd give anything to be anyone but me for a day. my friends message me complaining about how stressed they are about uni work and I envy them, I want to be able to only be worried about stuff like that. I hate the fear, the paranoia, and the lack of motivation.
I don't know whats "normal" anymore, I keep telling myself I want and need to be how I was before I keep wondering if maybe I'm living life differently than before, is it noticable? I hate who I am now. I hate my life. I have amazing people in my life and I am very lucky and thankful for each and every one of them but...I cannot shift these horrid feelings. even though I don't know exactly what he did to me, just the thought of knowing this happened to me is enough to alter my life so much. it shouldnt but it is.
its weird i know i cant change what happened but if i could change how it happened i would. I'd change the fact I thought he was a friend. the betrayal hurts. so does the feeling of being seen as disposable to someone
gunsnrose gunsnrose
18-21, F
1 Response Dec 5, 2012

Oh honey. That's even more awful than a stranger. I'm so sorry that happened to you. People suck sometimes, but not all of them. That'll probably wreck your trust for a while, but it will get better. Have you seen or talked to anyone yet? Professional help actually does wonders, even though many don't think so. I'm so sorry, but I understand.

No I haven't talked to anyone at all :/ my cousin knows but she acts as if I told her id fallen over an hurt my knee or something shes not supportive at all and one of her things she said was "you'll be fine duuude just gotta keep it off ya mind and come clubbiiiiing!!!" it upset me so much. I really want to try it but part of me is scared to because then it feels so real that I have to accept i am the victim

My boyfriend is the exact same way.
I would try it. I had to go pretty quickly because of legal stuff (I got pregnant and it was part of medical expenses and blahblah) but it really helps. I mean, really really helps. They can even sometimes give you antidepressants and stuff. I know drugs aren't the answer, but sometimes they can make it sting less.