The Morning After

this is basically like a follow up or more detail of my first story about my rape.
as you all know i messaged my rapist and asked him if he walked me home because i couldn't remember a thing he said he yeah he walked me home and took care of me he then asked if i really couldn't remember a single thing? i said not at all nothing, he then said "not even our trip to the ___ car park ;)" i panicked and felt so sick, the little flash of me in the car park which i wished was a horrific dream must've been real, i said said please can you just forget it? he said "pretty unforgettable for me ;)" i felt so sick and ill i begged him again i said i have a boyfriend who i love so much please just drop this, i don't remember it so ill let it slide and we just keep it that way? that it never happened? he then changed and said something along the lines of, "say no more i didn't know you were that bad or i wouldn't have done anything I'm not a **** like, kinda feel like scum now to be honest, but for the record it wasn't my idea" i was so confused how could he not know how bad i was if he had to walk me home :S i said thank you and asked him to tell his friend who was there not to say anything either and he said its okay don't worry I've already spoke to him not to i said thank you again and he messaged me again saying how he had a great night with me i felt so sick i panicked would he be mad and retaliate if i go mad at him? i told him from what i remembered i had fun too (meaning the laughter and chit chat from the start of the night) i was so petrified the state of my body...the fact he had taken me to a bush on the way of walking me home...the fact he was winking and calling me babe and being so sly and snide about it all.. it wasn't until i mentioned my boyfriend that he tried to push the blame onto someones else and he lightened up I think it may have frightened him that I have someone to protect me i don't know. he kept saying "it wasn't my fault" i was too drunk to have walked myself home it must have been..the i thought of his friend.. had his friend caused it/ initiated it? maybe even joined in? is that why my genitals were swollen? i felt sick to my core. i begged him to drop it and he did and he began to chat to me normally.. out of fear or retaliation and anger i tried to simple chit chat back to him, after a while i couldn't do it anymore so i didn't reply.. a few weeks went by and he never messaged me again, i went onto his profile to see if he had mentioned anything to of him with other girls out on a night on the town, i waited about a month and a half nearly two and still not a single message from him i felt safer that way but still seeing him on my fb hurt so i blocked him and blocked his friend and still have heard nothing from then in anyway...i was something so disposable to him, it hurt, it hurt so much, I was someones rape victim now. my body ached and hurt, i showered and couldn't raise my arm above my head to wash my hair..something hurt so bad. I had a burn form cigarette on my finger i must have been smoking.. drunk enough to not be able to hold onto a cigarette and they take advantage of me..i feel worthless.helping me home doesnt mean you can help yourself, i was too drunk to say no but that doesnt mean i said yes.

I cannot believe he did this to me, or they. it took a while for me to be able to comfortably sit down until my genitals had healed and my burn that got infected had healed.

Its still taking time as its only been 3 months and i hurt like hell nearly everyday but i have to remind myself I have a boyfriend that loves me and would never do anything like this to myself or any other person, I have 2 best friends who love me, my family who will do anything for me and a job and are doing so well in university and making new friendships there. yes i am still consumed with so much fear but taking up therapy will help me. i just need to courage and push to do so. my rapist will not tell my story.. i believe that, he said he felt like scum and im glad. he seemed afraid when i mentioned my boyfriend so i feel that is helping him keep this secret, also taking a girl who cant even walk home into a bush and ******* her is not a story to boast about. i still don't recall anything form the event and its been 3 months i really think i may have been drugged. what scum bags.
I may never find the power to go clubbing and partying in my hometown where he goes again but i will try my best so he does not steal my youth.
I CANNOT let him win.
I hate the fact that I am pregnant with my love of my life's baby and even though i would never have kept it at this age and me and my boyfriend have agreed we're not ready but it hurts me so much that my main reason is because im so emotionally un stable i could never give this child the love it needs because i cant even give it to msyelf.. the fact no one will ever know that hurts to

he has ruined me in so many ways
i need to take my life back
gunsnrose gunsnrose
18-21, F
4 Responses Dec 15, 2012

Wow, that was ****** of a friend. I would seek some professional help, I am not a person who could provide you any good advice in this.

He said it. He's scum. You're only fault was enjoying a little too much alcohol; hard to gauge how much is OK sometimes.

I hope you find a good professional to hear your story. Better to discuss it with someone neutral rather than friends who may have some emotional ties to the pig in question.

Be strong. Don't forget you are never alone.

thank you

My heart goes out to you.

thank you