It is strange but if one begins to share personal experiences, new layers are peeled off and one feels ready to share more.
I 'developed' very young and my abiding memory of my childhood is hiding from my brothers and their friends who were constantly grabbing my breasts. Sometimes they caught me, held me down and played with me for ages. It seemed to be their favourite game. No one did anything to stop it.
Yes, I was then raped many times but it started when I was 11 or 12 (by an uncle who stayed with us for four years). For a long time, I did not think of it as rape because I was a child. I come from a different country and culture (Russia) but I think these experiences must be similar to females wherever they are. He always told me how naughty I was and that if anybody found out, I would be sent to Lubyanka. Even I knew that was a very bad place to go and was terrified. I was left with huge guilt and fear and switched off my sexuality entirely and tried to be 'unisex'. I missed all the good experiences that young women have and buried myself in my work. I always wore glasses but they had plain glass in them. I never danced in Russia and only learned in the UK, when I had to. I just did not want to be female in any way whatsoever.

My work stopped and I went to the UK and was desperate for a job. A friend pushed me into being a model/bimbo and that is what I did and I became very successful. I still felt exactly the same on the inside and nothing would change it. I did go out with some men and even had a 'relationship' but I could not/would not find my own sexuality. I knew these things (sex) had to be done and just gave in 'and thought of Moscow'.
Some big changes happened in my life and I met an Englishman and thanks to him, last year, I found my sexuality and am at last beginning to enjoy being a woman. I am nearly 34 and now grieve for all the years that I have lost. The relationship did not last but life is like that.

The wisdom I have now is that as long as I reacted as I did to the rapes, my now long dead uncle still owned my sexuality and I was a victim. I am now a survivor but far too late. I have missed so much.

If I have the right to give advice, it is this.

Do not let a criminal run away with your sexuality. He will continue to control you wherever you are. Get help as soon as possible to sort it out in your own way. Your sexuality belongs to you and nobody else...EVER.
thank you
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7 Responses Jan 6, 2013

God bless you. Seems to be very widespread throughout the world. The psychological part in calling you, the victim, bad names and threatening to send you away is just horrible. No wonder you left your home country.

Dear Olga, I thought my live started horrible, but its nothing compared to yours. You found your healing love and I found mine at merely the same age. I had 35 wondeful years and wish you the same. chantellette

Brave women don't give up you are a perfect example for living a life after all the things happened.

i can relate.. and i completely agree with you cos if let yourself be trapped in the past u would miss alot of things and important events of your is wonderful live it as the way it should be

Have you had any counselling in the uk ?

Great insight, nicely written, thanks for sharing your story. I lean toward "preaching" and I don't mean to offend... the great Healer is Jesus... if you have a moment, take a look at my "God's Protective Hands" story in my profile.

That was beautiful. Thank you for sharing that. I know there are many children that are going through this. Adults often don't want to talk about it, and it keeps going on. It takes courage to speak out.