It's Still Rape

I was 15 when I was in my first relationship with a boy who was 16. I really liked him and we never really had any issues and we had had sex lots of times before what happened. On his 17th birthday he asked if we could have anal sex. At first I said no and after a lot of "but it's my birthday... please" I reluctantly obliged. I asked him to be gentle and he wasn't, it hurt me so much... after only a few seconds I told him to stop because it hurt so much. He didn't. He told me that he couldn't stop until he had "finished". He pushed me down and carried on until he was done.
Afterwards I was bleeding a little and in so much pain. He took the sheets off of the bed because they had blood on them and put them in the wash straight away. I didn't move, I just lay on the bed crying. When he came back he put his arms around me from behind and told me he was sorry that he had hurt me but that I had said it was ok.
The next day I blocked out what had happened and everything went back to normal.
I'm 19 now and only recently have I been able to blame him rather than myself. I convinced myself that it wasn't his fault for multiple reasons: that I had said yes in the first place, that he had had a troubled past and been through drug addiction, that maybe he didn't even realise it was wrong.
I have an amazing boyfriend now who treats me better than I could ever imagine, he would never hurt me and I love him to pieces.
I still see my first boyfriend occasionally as we live in the same town and it makes my stomach sink every time I see him. I haven't told my current boyfriend about what happened because some part of me still feels like I'm just being silly or that after 4 years it doesn't matter anymore...
In a case where there is initial consent but someone doesn't stop when you want them to for any reason, whether it be excruciating pain or otherwise, it is still rape. This happening to me was traumatic and still haunts me, and I didn't see it as rape for a very long time afterwards, but it was.
An Ep User An EP User
1 Response Jan 16, 2013

Thanks for sharing your story. I'm sure it would help someone in a similar position. I was raped when I was 15 by my boyfriend. Luckily I don't have to see him. He doesn't believe it was rape. It took me 7 years to come to grips with what happened. Don't worry about the time. I'm dealing with another sexual abuse from 12 years ago. It affects us. But the best thing to do is work on healing. Sounds like you're doing that. That's you can ask for.