I Loved Him

I went out to a bar with a couple of guy friends. I'll change their names, so lets call them Bob and Jim. Bob was my best guy friend, but I saw him as my gross little brother in a way. And Jim.. well I had been in love with him for years but nothing ever came from it. We decided to go out and drink and Jim started talking about us all having a *********, of course I assumed he was joking and just laughed and went along with it. When we left the bar we stopped at a gas station and when Bob got out of the car, Jim started kissing me. Of course I was excited.. I waited for this forever. The three of us went back to Jim's house to hang out some more. It wasn't too long before Jim started talking about the ********* again, I was drunk by this time so it was really funny to me then. Then he got more serious and I began to get scared, I told him no and that I would never do that. Jim then got angry and said if I was going to be a scared b*tch, he was going to bed. He layed down in his bed and started pouting. He had hurt my feelings, but I loved him and didn't want him to be mad at me. I went to his bed and laid down next to him. He started touching me and I told him to stop. Bob came over and said he was hungry and wanted to go get something eat. Jim told him we weren't hungry and he could go alone, but Bob would not leave. Eventually Jim got angry that Bob was still in the room and got up to turn the lights off. He came back in the bed with me and started to have sex with me. I was crying and telling him to stop but he was holding me down and telling me to be quiet. I tried over and over to get up, but he was stronger than me. He was having sex with me and then began asking for me to let Bob come over and I told him no and that he was scaring me, I wanted to leave... but he wouldn't stop and he wouldn't let me get up. The next morning I had the worst feelings I had ever felt.. I felt disgusting, violated and confused beyond belief. I couldn't believe what had happened the night before, it felt like a nightmare. I told my friend about what happened and she was the one who made me realize that Jim had raped me. I loved him, he was my good friend, how could it be rape? I still think about it all the time and I still feel dirty and used. I moved away from the town that Jim lives in and I never see him anymore. But I can't get these feelings out of my mind.
An Ep User An EP User
1 Response Jan 18, 2013

It was rape the moment you said no and he didn't instantly stop. What you are feeling is your minds way of coping with this traumatic thing that happened to you. It wasn't your fault, you did nothing wrong, he didn't respect your right to say no and, he is a criminal.