Not Entirely.

I have shared this story elsewhere on this site, but after reading lots of stories in this group, I've decided it is also appropriate here.  Okay, here goes:

I have a cousin who is a year older than me.  When we were little it started with the simple curiosity that you have of the opposite sex when you're a child.  Little peeks and gropes, I mean, we were only about four and five.  Well, I started to notice over the years, after I'd lost that curiosity, that my cousin had not.  The first time I actually remember being uncomfortable was back when I was about eight or nine.  He tried to kiss me, tongue and everything, it was awful.  Then around year later I spent the night and when no one was home, he came over to where I was sitting on the couch and forced my legs open to rub me through my underwear.  I didn't like this at all and told him to stop, but he didn't. 

Flash forward a couple of years and I'm eleven.  Eleven/twelve were the most active years of his abuse, although I didn't see it as abuse then, I thought it was something that I was "asking for".  I never dressed provacatively and I clammed up around him.  One day we were in NYC on vacation and I went down to my aunt and uncle's hotel room.  They were in the shower, and my cousin was in there alone.  The couch bed was out and I sat on it.  He came over to me and laid on top of me, holding my legs open with his body.  He stuck his hand up my dress and began roughly fondling me.  I was thrashing around and saying stop, but I didn't want to scream.  I was too embarrassed to have anyone catch him.  Some people would ask why I never screamed, but like I said, I always thought it was my fault and that I would be blamed and I would get in trouble.  So I kicked him one good time with my high heel and he rolled off.  I left the room. 

A few months later we were doing Easter weekend at the beach.  We had a condo, where I shared a room with my dad's gf's two sons.  After the boys fell asleep  I was in the room doodling in my notebook.  My cousin walked in.  I had assumed everyone was asleep, but I was more wrong than I thought.  He sat down on the bed and slid his hand up my shirt.  I told him to get out, that he was crazy for this, the bedroom light was on and everything.  The kids were in the next bed.  But he kept rubbing and saying, "suck my ****"  he was begging me.  I refused and refused.  I looked up and in the crack of the door I saw someone there and they quickly ran away.  I thought it was his brother.  Finally he gave up and left me alone and I fell asleep.  Hours later I awoke to one of the little boys sleeping on me and my dad standing in the doorway.  He told me to get out of bed and come out and talk to him.  Now, I didn't realize it was my dad who'd seen my cousin doing that stuff earlier.  My dad was probing me for answers but not being direct so I didn't know what he was talking about.  He kept saying, "What were you doing earlier?" and "I'm gonna tell your mama"  I was very very tired and disoriented.  I thought he was referring to the kid sleeping on me, I thought he was accusing me of molesting the kid!  So I started crying and he let me go to bed.  The next day I got up and my aunt was very rude to me and my cousin was outside all day.  I didn't realize then that my dad had told my aunt and uncle what he'd seen and my aunt, so overprotective of her boys, was mad because she assumed that I'd told my dad a lie.  Well, I didn't tell my dad anything, he saw it with his own two eyes! (Months later she told my other cousin not to hang out in his bedroom with me because I would "lie on him too")

At the end of that year I was 12.  I went to stay the weekend with my grandma.  Little did I know she was going to invite my cousin too.  The first night she went to bed early.  Leaving us alone.  I had a pit in my stomach because I knew what alone meant, me fighting off this guy who is wayy bigger and stronger than me.  But I didn't know how far it would actually go.  I was laying on the couch in my nightgown watching a movie, he'd gone into a bedroom so I thought he was gonna go to bed.  He came in and tore the blanket off me.  He sat down and opened my knees, with me trying to force them closed the entire time, and with one arm he held them open and the other hand he started fondling me.  It hurt, he was not gentle.  Then I felt him trying to push into me.  He'd never done that before.  I was a virgin.  I was squirming and hitting him and saying stop, but he said, "Hold on" and right after that I felt a pain that made me flinch.  Then he looked kinda scared and said, "okay I'm done".  I felt so gross.  Then I went to the bathroom and had bloody panties.  It wasn't time for my period, but I didn't know what a "cherry" was so I thought my period was early.  It took me a while to figure out what the blood really was.

The following summer we all went down to FL.  The parents decided to get us kids our own room.  I felt okay because there were four other people in the room with my cousin and I.  But later after they went to sleep he turned of the tv.  He asked me to come suck his ****, he'd been begging all night.  He took it out and walked over to me in the dark.  I was terrified.  Absolutely.  He put his **** on my lips and stuck it in my mouth and began thrusting slowly, I spat it out.  The next thing I know I woke up with my head in between the nightstand and bed, since it was dark I couldn't see a thing, all I knew was I felt something hard being pressed against my private area.  It was wayy too big to fit in my vagina, but he was trying to force something, I kicked him and told him to stop because it hurt, thats when I saw it was a remote.  I was too weak to fight anymore because I'd just fainted, from anxiety, and I prayed that he would just leave me alone.  I kept thinking, Please God!  Get him off of me!  And after he put the remote down he went back to his bed and went to sleep. 

Ever since then, as the years have gone by, his little attacks continued.  I pretty much stopped going around there altogether.  But recently my aunt and uncle have gained custody of my younger three siblings.  I went to stay with them for the Christmas holiday.  Now, I am engaged, and I made a promise to myself that I would not let him hurt me anymore now that I was promised to another man, it gave me a reason to fight.  But my cousin is hard to fight.  The whole day he begged me to take provacative pictures of myself on his phone.  I told him no no no, I showed him the ring I wear and said, I will not do anything like that anymore because I love my fiance too much.  Even though these encounters are forced and uncomfortable for me, I feel that if I didn't fight hard enough it would be cheating on my fiance.  Anyways, I refused to submit to his demands and went into the room where I was to sleep.  I was changing my shirt and he came down the hall and opened the door.  When he saw me there with no shirt or bra his face lit up.  I was terrified.  I pulled my shirt on quick but he came in and pushed me onto the bed.  I struggled out of his grip and went to run but he pulled me down onto his lap.  He told me to quit trying to run because it wouldn't work.  So he pushed me down onto the bed and pulled my pajama bottoms off, he then got between my legs and lifted my shirt.

He started to touch me down there, and it hurt.  He stuck a finger in me and and it hurt so bad, as I was not aroused so I was not lubricated.  I had my cell phone in my hand texting my fiance and my cousin told me to just text and mind my business while he did what he wanted to me.  I told my fiance that something bad was happening to me and that I was scared.  Meanwhile, my cousin wrapped his erection in boxers and tried pushing it against my vaginal opening.  I moved my body away as much as I could and told him to stop.  He said something about getting a condom and my fiance called.  I have never been more relieved.  I seriously think he would've taken full advantange of me that night.  I haven't been back there since because I really can't take the chance.


urbrandofheroin urbrandofheroin
22-25, F
3 Responses Feb 21, 2009

I feel sorry for people like your dad and cousin they will never know what's its like too be happy or normal for that matter I hope you have a happy life

My dad was awful for not protecting me, he even went as far as, after semi-catching my cousin trying to touch me again, making jokes about it. He would tell me, "Let's go, we're going over to your kissing cousin's". It made me think, is this normal?!?

Thank you so much =] Andrew was livid that day. I've decided to just not spend much time over there, unless my cousin isn't home or something. It's hard for me because my siblings live there, but lately we've just been picking them up and bringing them over here. It's really been horrible, but like I told Andrew, and wrote on here, my dad has walked in on it more than once, and all he could do was laugh about it because he thought I was a willing participant. Then he told my mom, and she confronted me, I could tell she wasn't okay but I denied it. My aunt can be a ***** about her boys, like when she told her other son not to hang out with me.<br />
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So I just figured it was never worth it to tell. I really didn't even realize I was being sexually abused, because I always had the idea that the abuser had to be way older than you. But it was in my sociology class where I finally realized. I was thinking, yeah that happened to me! These forced sexual acts have gone on and on for years.