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I'll Spare You the Details

I'm not going into the details, I never really have.  The family didn't and still doesn't know, just a couple of very good friends that I can trust.  I was raped by strangers when I was 15, I don't even remember their faces, just the smell of Budweiser on their breath.  I was really religious at the time and I didn't know much about sex.  It was obviously traumatic.  Because I believed in God, I begged for him to intervene and stop what was happening.(he didn't) After it was over(like it's ever over) I did the usual clensing and blaming myself and all that.  Fate would have it that the very next day would start my week at my churches "camp miracle."  The first night at camp me and my fellow teen campers sat around a bonfire while people took turns standing at a microphone confessing sins or giving testimony of how god worked in their lives. 

A girl got up and told of how she had been raped as a child and how god had given her the strength to forgive her attacker and so on.  This gave me an idea and without really thinking, I stood up to give testimony.  I wanted to tell what god didn't do for me the night before, but when it got to the point in the story when I was attacked, I lied.  I said the men didn't do what they wanted, that god helped me get away.  When I put down the mic, sobbing, everybody applauded.  They believed me!  For years I believed the  lie I told that night.   I believed that god made my lie true, that he took that event away, erased it and replaced it with the memory of me getting away.  Although I know the truth, as a part of me has all along, the lie did help me through some years that I might not have otherwise survived.

After all these years, I am somewhat well adjusted considering... but it has always angered me that I never remembered their faces.  I'm still not sure whether I would have ever told if I did, but at least I could have a face to hate.

deleted deleted 26-30 4 Responses Oct 22, 2007

Your Response


I told my rapist that he didn't rape me and that we were "all good". He was too drunk to remember. It's eaten away at me a little. I'm glad some of your friends know though. That's pretty crazy stuff

Good for you. God changes everything. There was this story about a woman who was raped when she was a child, a few years after when she grew up, she saw the man who had raped her in an elevator and for some special reason she felt like talking to him and so she touched his shoulder and said, "I forgive you." Ever since then she became free.

Forgiveness is personal. <br />
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Weather you do or not is something you have to find in yourself though your healing. <br />
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(*(*(*(*( Anotherhuman )*)*)*)*) if ok.<br />
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What happened to you was terrible and you truly have shown amazing courage to be able to share.<br />
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The denial did help you.. in a way. Denial is a coping mechnisum. If something ( like your r*pe ) happens that the mind is unable to cope with. Then its way of protecting its self is to store the problem until it believes it is able to handle the issue. Sometimes its effective enough that memory of details, or even the entire event can be lost from our consious memory. Basicly we CAN forget. <br />
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Problem is later in our lifes.. weather days or decades these issues resurface because they havn't been resolved and the mind believes itself ready to be able to do so. This comes in things like repressed memories, flashbacks, body memories and the feelings of fear, danger, and unsafety that you would have felt during the attack.<br />
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Hate is a powerful tool in healing after sexual assult. It brings back your power and pushes the blame back where it belongs. So long as hate and anger are directed towards your perp's and there actions, not at people / men in general and their possible actions.<br />
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Take gentle care of yourself. <br />
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I read a book "Forgiving and Not Forgiving (why sometimes it's better not to forgive)" by Jeanne Safer. This would probably be a case where it is actually more therapeutic, logical, whatever you'd say, to not forgive the attackers. Religious implorings that you must do so in order to heal or be justified or whatever are likely wrong I'd say--flawed man's wisdom speaking there rather than God. I could explain further upon request, or look up the book, but the argument, which I agreed with before even reading the book, was pretty solid to me...<br />
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Jeanne (PhD in psychology I think) limited the scope of her book the topic of forgiving in the case of intimate betrayals--cases where you are likely having to continue to face that person in your life afterward. She excluded from consideration cases of betrayal or victimization by criminals etc., where you don't know the attacker and most likely will never see them or deal with them in everyday life again (or if so it is from behind one-way glass picking them out of a lineup or in a courtroom etc.). So your specific case is not covered by this book, but the point about not forgiving being an option and often overlooked especially because of religious ideas, is why I brought up this book, in case you've been led to believe non-forgiveness is necessarily a bad thing, which I don't believe, as I briefly detailed of above.