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11 Years Later

I was raped 11 years ago when i was 8 years old. I didn't know either of the men that were involved. It took me a very long time to even understand what had happened and my new feelings of guilt and anxiety were never addressed.  about three years ago i finally got the courage to tell a friend. it was so liberating but at the same time brought back intense feelings of anxiety, depression and anger.  My parents thought i was just being an unruly teenager but an ex boyfriend clued my mom in on what was going on.  Unfortunately my parents didn't believe my story and even told my therapist that i had made it up so i ended up skipping out on therapy because it was no longer helping me.  I've never told anyone exactly what happened to me, those that know only know that i was raped and not the details of the event.  I'm getting so overwhelmed by anxiety, nightmares, depression and anxiety that i think its finally time for me to admit to myself that i was raped and get my story out there. So here it is.

I was outside playing by myself and two men approached me, they told me that my mom had asked them to watch me for the day and that they had a fun game for me.  they took me into the alley behind my house and told me that if i wanted to play the game i had to take off my pants.  I told them i didn't want to play anymore but they insisted i take my pants off. After a few minutes of trying to coax me out of them they finally gave up and just took them off for me.  One of the men held me down and covered my mouth while the other forced himself inside of me.  They took turns raping me vaginally orally and anally.  One of the men had a knife that he held to my throat for almost the entire time(i still can't let anyone touch my neck) at one point i started crying really loudly so the man with the knife cut my hip with it and said "this will remind you exactly what you did".  

I'm now on anti depressants and doing the best i can but i still get incredibly uncomfortable around men i don't know and i have a really hard time trusting people.  Despite now living in a situation where those around me are very caring and understanding i still struggle with it very much.  I have nightmares about the event and am starting to have thoughts about cutting myself again.  I feel like i am at a dead end and don't know where to go from here. Any advice would be helpful and much appreciated.

audiobot audiobot 18-21, F 5 Responses Oct 28, 2009

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God..I can't believe someone did that to you. You were not the one in the wrong. It was those two men. You were only eight years old. I can't believe your parents didn't believe you. They are just as bad as the two men were. Parents should always listen to there children. I am a man but if you ever need a friend to talk to my email is r_eastson@yahoo.com. A friend of mine was raped several times by her uncle. In fact she became pregnant with her first child from her uncle. And her mother (which was her brother) didn't want to belive it. I would have shot him if it was my daughter that came and told me something like that. Our prayers are with you always.

I agree, this was in no way, shape or form your fault!!..by any means and I can not stress this enough. and as a parent I am upset that you parents didnt believe you..although they may be good people.. its something i would not dismiss...but that is then this is now and you need to survive and work through this..i know its easy to say but alot harder to do..but we each have to resolve for, and i do mean for ourselves these kinds of things that happen to so many of (us) because no one can really know your pain but talking about it with people you trust and tell yourself and believe that you were just a child and you did nothing wrong and you are a good person your were then and you are now..and you are worth saving(yourself) and you are worth alot as a human being and no one has the power to take that from you, not even the the ones who did this to you.

I agree, this was in no way, shape or form your fault!!..by any means and I can not stress this enough. and as a parent I am upset that you parents didnt believe you..although they may be good people.. its something i would not dismiss...but that is then this is now and you need to survive and work through this..i know its easy to say but alot harder to do..but we each have to resolve for, and i do mean for ourselves these kinds of things that happen to so many of (us) because no one can really know your pain but talking about it with people you trust and tell yourself and believe that you were just a child and you did nothing wrong and you are a good person your were then and you are now..and you are worth saving(yourself) and you are worth alot as a human being and no one has the power to take that from you, not even the the ones who did this to you.

This is as bad reading this as it must be horrid for you to be telling this.

I have read a few of the experiences here but yours has affected me the worst.

My heart goes out to you.

They are Monsters of the worst kind to do that to a precious 8 year old.

That fills me with horror.

To be used like that makes my heart sink to the depths of my soul.

I wish you good luck.

aw im so sorry sweetie! please dont cut yourself. its not the way.. I too suffer from being raped. It happened to me 2 years ago. :( i still have trouble with it...everyone does. a shame your parents didnt believe you. just remember that its not your fault. if you need someone to talk to...im here. your not alone.