Ashamed

I'm 23 and this is not the first time this has happened to me. I've been in counselling for the last time and I feel like i took 15 thousand steps back in my recovery. I'm embarrassed to write this. the police don't believe me . there's not enough evidence.

 My boyfriend and i broke 3 weeks ago. two weeks ago he went to his mom's house as she was on a trip and they needed their house looked after while they were away. we are living with each other til he moves out or our lease is up which ever comes first. While he was gone his friend R facebooked me and we got talking. I started talking about my breakup with M and how much i missed him. R suddenly sent me a msg asking me if he could come up to go pee as he was out for a walk and talking to me on his phone. i didn't think anything of it. R came up went and we even to timmies and grabbed a coffee. He made a big stink about wanting to talk alone so reluctantly we went back to my apartment. R started telling me that M was already dating other people and he's moved on. i got really upset. I mean seriously!?  We only just broke up a week ago at this point. I started crying and hugging R. Feeling like I was falling and needing something to grab onto. He hugged me hard back and started rubbing my back. it felt nice, comforting. he layed his head in my lap and after talking with me for a few minutes. he kissed me. he gave me back massage to help calm me down and relax me.We had sex and it was amazing.  I later asked if we could be friends with benefits because at that moment i felt I wanted that connection with someone without getting my heart trashed all over again. but. but when I woke up, I was embarrassed with myself. How could I sleep with M's friend? - I later found out that R lied.  M was not dating other people.


 The next day i asked R to talk as I was embarrassed by what happened. He came over and sat on my couch. I told him that because of my past(I have been abused sexually by my step grandpa  at 11, and raped repeatedly by my ex boyfriend N.) that i didn't want to be friends with benefits or have ever have sex with him again. R started asking questions about my past. With each question i started to cry harder and harder. R rubbed my back and said do you know what makes me feel better? If I snuggle with someone. i was crying so hard I couldn't even see. I asked him,don't you even feel badly about last night M is your friend and my ex and I feel awful. he said no it just felt good. He picked me up and carried me into my bedroom. He layed next to me for a minute and started rubbing my back. He started for apologizing for the last night. I told him I enjoyed myself just didn't want to do it again. He looked hurt. He reached forward and started stroking my hair. He asked me if he was the best I ever had. I told him I wasn't going to answer that. He apologized and started to kiss me. i pulled away and said I didn't invite you over for that. I think you should go home. He aplogized again but then rubbing my back, when i told him i wasn't comfortable he slipped his hand up shirt and told me i have the cutest little boobs he's ever seen. he started caressing my breasts and i pulled away. i said R i don't want to have sex with you get off of me. he put his hands down my pants and said but your so wet. he pulled my pants off and i froze i went into a flashback of the last time N rapped me where he's ripping my top of off. i snap out of it and I'm naked and R is taking his underwear off. He climbs onto of me and reached over for a condom and lays it beside us. I go to get up but he;s stronger then me. I tell again this isn't why i invited him over. he shuts me up with a kiss. He starts to kiss me everywhere and then suddenly he says he has to do something bad. he starts to finger me and with each finger he asks if its okay. but doesn't wait for a respsonse.and before i know it his whole hand is inside and I scream into a pillow. i'm screaming because it hurts so bad, but he gets more turned on. he rolls onto his back and places me onto.he grabs my hips and starts forcing my body to pound into his. i find my phone under a pillow its shut off because he turned it off. I scream out of anger and he says come on baby harder its not good unless its raw and bleeding. and flips me onto my back drags me to the end of the bed. He pushes into me hard. I ask him to please stop it hurts. he says what did you say? and pushes harder. i tell me to let me up i have to pee. He pushes harder and moans my name as he comes. its been an hour. I head into the bathroom crying as he comments on how he';s usually longer but I wasn't doing enough for him. I lock the bathroom door and start crying. I am so sore, I'm bleeding and i silently swear at him for making me period come weeks early. I open the medicine cabinet and take the last of my antidepressants i open a bottle of muscle relaxers that I take for my mild CP and count them 20 plus a bottle of ibuprofen. that should do it i think. i'm sore and tired. crying my mind goes to N and my grandpa and how yet again another man hurts me. abuses my trust and takes everything away from me. I swallow two muscle relaxers and then look in the mirror. My face is swollen and I'm scared. I drop the pills, quickly before I can change my mind i scramble to  flush any  pills in the toilet. R starts banging on the door. I tell him to go away and hear him trying to pick the lock. I open the door and ask him to leave. i don't feel safe. But i'm slurring my words. he apologizes and says its  a misunderstanding. i grab a blanket and wrap myself. the last thing i remember is him putting me back in bed. I wake up freezing with no blankets on me. naked. and more sore and bleeding then before. he thank god is dressed.he makes me get up and lock him out of the apartment so he can go to work. he gives me a hug and kisses me ontop of the forehead. before he leaves he tells me he hopes i feel better soon. **

cisa cisa
22-25, F
1 Response Feb 9, 2010

I am so sorry for you and all those other people <br />
who have had the same problem.May God help you, hun.