Should I Forgive My Mother.............

I was an oops child.. Probably a big oops back in the early 70's while my mom was married to her first husband she had an affair with my "father" and I use that term loosely. Read on as I further explain why. My mom met my dad in a bar and seen him a few times before he was called to go to Vietnam. She thought she was pregnant but the doctor told her she wasn't so she stayed with her first husband and then I was born and he even knew I wasn't his child. My dad came back from vietnam and she left her first husband to be with my "father" when I was 2 1/2. I was born severely crossed eyed and I am still cross eyed after 4 surgeries. My mom said she didn't take very many pictures of me because of my crossed eyes. I often wonder now if that is the truth.

My father was a selfish, jealous, mean and very domineering to name a few. He was abusive with my mother verbally and at times physically. Out womanizing and often came home drunk. As best as I remember the abuse boiled over into sexual abuse of me when I was 8. My mom worked nights so my dad was left to care for me and my younger brother and that was when it would occur. I say "care" but I wouldn't exactly call it that because I recall fixing my brother and I dinner many times. As best as I can remember (unsure if I have blocked this because of what went on) the sexual molestation went on for 4 years. My parents lost their house and decided it was time to move to Texas. My mom had lost my brother and her mother 1 1/2 years prior to our move. They died within 4 months of each other. My brother was 18. We moved to Texas and my father continued to haunt me in many ways. He would stand at my door and watch me sleep which caused many years of not sleeping well. He would do "other" things when I would walk in the room and nobody was around and he be in his underwear. And again as best as I can remember I think I figured it all out and put everything together when I was 13 and I finally must have had enough and broke down and told my mom what had happened while my dad was gone one weekend (probably womanizing). All I can remember is she cried and laid on the couch for a week. She didn't have him arrested and she didn't leave him. She did confront my dad and he did own up to it (she said). She offered counseling but I declined but I was 13 so making that decision shouldn't have been left up to me I didn't think. I was later told she didn't want to talk about it anymore.

I remember even after my mom knew she would make me hug him and kiss my dad if he had done something nice. I found it so repulsive. I avoided my dad as much as possible and even tried to avoid conversation with him. I often felt out of place around them after I told my mom. I became very very over weight until my early 20's. By the time I was 23 I left home and I NEVER went back. I married when I was 25. I had my first (2000) son and the first of three children 3 years after that and another son in 2004) and my daughter in 2005. My parents moved away (2001) when my first child was 1 1/2 and back to Utah (where I lived as a kid) and my dad not much later became ill and fought heart disease and COPD and died in 2008. I did not attend my dads funeral and I was told then I would regret it by my mom. She was even mad over it.

After having kids I became very bitter over my mother not doing anything about what had happened especially after the birth of my daugther. My mother has never been back to Texas to visit us. We have had fallen outs several times in the past years because often I felt left out, not treated like my brother was and held to a higher standard. It was very obvious at times my brother was the chosen one. He got braces I didnt, he got a car I didnt. I remember one Christmas my dad telling me "I know your brother got alot more than you but he needed this stuff more than you did". My brother still lives at home til this day and he is 36.

For years I just wanted to be loved and for once be the chosen one and I dont mean monetary things. I mean I want my mom to come see me, love my children, just once choose me because I am ME. My family has been to see her many times since she moved away and it seemed like we often ended our visit early because of an argument. I tried many times to tell her how I felt but she never acknowledged how I felt. I got blamed often that I was being irrational. Often our arguments resulted in guilt trips by her. "how can you be so mean to me" she would say. She often exaggerated what I would say when we would talk when I would try to get her to see but for her it was considered "I was cussing her out" Our last visit in 2009 I was told then how long was I going to hold her accountable for what happened and was told by her and my brother to get over it. I really feel like she should be held accountable for it until she acknowledged my feelings...but that still has happened.

I really thought we were going to get past it all and for once have that relationship I so wanted with her in 2011. Just to be me around her and she'd embrace who I was and be happy for me, be proud of me and share in my life my greatest accomplishments. My children barely know my mother. When we would talk she never asked to speak to the kids or asked about them which bothered me but I tried to ignore it to try and get to that place I wanted to be with her. In 2010 she promised she would come stay with us in 2011 from Thanksgiving to Christmas. My husband and I were even going to drive from Texas to Utah to get her so she wouldn't have to drive or fly (which she refuses to fly). 2011 came and it was October and my son on facebook asked my mom if she was ready to come to Texas and she told him on Facebook she wasn't coming because she had health issues. I later found out that was a lie through intercepted emails. For some reason and I dont know why she refuses to just do this for me for once just put whatever her problem is aside just so I can have that moment but it hasn't happened. I haven't spoken to her in a year and a half almost. Ive sent several emails trying to get her to acknowledge my feeling with no response. She still sent the kids birthday cards this year except my daughter's birthday is this weekend so I dont know if she will send a card because my husband requested she not send anything because it was so hard on our older son. Its hard for him to understand why she doesn't want to be in our lives so my husband asked if she would stop sending cards.

Should I forgive her? Ive tried but I cant. How do I find peace with this. I know she will never change because it just hasn't happened. I really feel she is dead to me. Am I bad for feeling this way? I dont know. I do know that I have a wonderful husband and wonderful children whom I cherish so very much. I cant imagine any of my children going through what I have been through. Which brings me to say how could my mom live with herself. I think I must be expecting to much for her to just love me and come to my world where I live and see what all I have accomplished. I live in a nice house, I dont work and I think I have some really great kids. Ive really made a good life for myself. I really think I have over come what my dad did to me but I haven't overcame what she continues to do to me and that is to treat me as Im not worthy enough.
ProudToBeMeMomof3 ProudToBeMeMomof3
1 Response Dec 5, 2012

It seems some women including my own mother should have never been mothers. Do not focus on her any more what she has done to you words can not describe, show her how a real mother should be with your precious three. You do not need the approval of some one like that she gave birth to you but she is not your mother. Try taking her off that pedalstool and looking at her from a different angle and you may find she is a weak woman with faults and you are considerably stronger. I wish you all the best I know your pain but the best thing is to focus on the good and delete the bad. X

Wow! My story is sooooo similar. My whole life has been filled with rejection, arguments, tears, and depression because of my mom. She has never been proud of me. It's hard to come to accept I am not loved. I'm trying so hard each day! I pray we all find peace in our hearts.

My mother's husband cheated on her with my dads girlfriend so they slept together to get them back and I was created. Her marriage was over and they ended up dating. My dad went into the navy when he came home she was with several other men so my dad took me away from her. But because he was only 18 at time, and not working at a well paying job. He put me in the care of a full time nanny where I kept getting sick. So his coworker offered I stay with her mother. I lived with this woman for six years with him visiting me when he had a weekend he coud spare. At six years old I didn't even know he was my dad thats how little I saw him. He decided I should meet his new wife and 2 year old daughter and that I spend the night. The baby cried many times that night and no one got up so I did and sang her lullabies to put her back to sleep, she actually remembers that. The next day I was shipped back to the nannys. and I didnt see him for 2 years. The family I was staying with faught for custody and won by rights of abandonment . Then moved with her daughter whom I barely knew all the way on the other side of the world. where I knew no one and didn't speak the language. And was reminded on a daily basis that I was a charity case and no one wanted me and that if I ever stepped out of line I would be shipped to an orphanage. I never felt like I was loved by her because of that. I searched for 30 years for my father. I just found him last year, it was roses until recently, now his true colors are coming through. Feeling hurt and stupid for buying all of their lies. The hardest part is trying to keep my kids from getting hurt. I say forgive her, but let her go. You tried and your kids need you, you cant be picking up the broken pieces she leavs in her path. Good luck, sending you warm hugs.