I Was 4 Years Old...

My mom was a single mother. My father had walked out on us not once, but twice, because he wasn't ready to be a father. That also probably influenced the way I am. Even as early as two years old, my mother tells me I put her needs before mine. She told me that when I was 2, I was in a fairly bad car accident, and I was crying until I saw her walk in and start to cry. I apparently stopped crying and told her I was fine, mommy.

Anyway, being a single mom, and working 2 - 3 jobs while on welfare, she needed help from wherever she could get it. So, I would occasionally spend time at my Great-Aunt's house in Pennsylvania. Her husband was the one that abused me. I don't remember the actual event, but I remember being in the basement and I remember Christmas decorations, and I remember sitting in the car with my mom telling her where he touched me. It's a little confusing because I also remember being in a bathing suit too.

From what my mom told me, we went to the police and reported it, and I was evaluated by a psychologist who confirmed I was abused. All the police were able to do was to issue a restraining order. For the longest time, I believed I lied to my mother about what happened. I really truly did. I felt it was my deep-dark secret until one day I told her that I had lied. She assured me that I didn't. I haven't had any contact with that man since I was four except when my uncle died about 4 years ago. He was there, and he stayed away from me, and I avoided him, and strangely, the thought of him being there didn't make me feel anything.

Just last month, my grandmother told me that she thinks it happened more than once, starting when I was 3. When I asked my mom about it, she said that she doesn't think so, but I don't know, because I have conflicting partial memories.

Now, I'm 23 and in the what are supposed to be the best years of my life, and I'm living like a hermit and I eat really unhealthy food, and I wear the mask of being happy until the strain becomes too much, and the mask breaks for a couple of days, and I've had enough. I know I deserve better, so I contacted a psychologist, and I plan on doing whatever it takes to make myself better.

I just want to summarize what I'm feeling, because it'll make me feel better to get it out. I'm furious. I'm angry with myself for letting him have that power over me for so long, and I'm angry that he essentially destroyed my childhood and got away with it with no repercussions. I'm extremely sad because I never had the chance for a normal childhood, and it's not fair. When I was confirmed, I chose Maria as my confirmation name because of St. Maria Goretti, who was able to forgive her rapist-murdered before passing away. I want to be able to live up to that name, and I know it's going to take work. I want to be want to eat healthy and lose weight not to get my mom off my back, but for myself.

Thank you for reading my story, and I apologize for the disorganization. It's hard to put this in a concise form.
Sharkbait1213 Sharkbait1213
22-25, F
2 Responses Jul 18, 2010

Well, I hope one day you feel that you are worth enough to go get help, because you are. You survived one of the worst things that could happen to you. I hope everything works out for you.

i had nearly the same thing happen to me when i was 5 by my stepdad... i dont remember the actual event but i remember things like being outside at the picnic table and him telling my brother to go inside... and him coming into my room at night... and telling my mom later on. i too thought after a while that i had been lying about it but i know i wasnt. now i have a hard time trusting ppl especially men and tend to hold grudged... i now have a wonderful husband and i feel horrible that i cant b the wife he deserves because i have no sex drive... im never in the mood and dont enjoy it... i feel like i should c a therapist but im just not ready to make that step...